Category Archives: Depression

I tried to have this conversation with someone recently

…..but she wouldn’t understand or maybe she just didn’t want to. Could it be that she was just soooo caught up in her pre-conceived notions about the subject that there was NOTHING that I could say that would even make her think differently?

The conversation was about antidepressants.

She  said something to the effect that she would NEVER go on “stuff” like that.  STUFF like that. Almost like it’s Tik or Heroin.

She said that she WANTED to FEEL.

I told her that actually, AD’s don’t remove your  feelings.  If they were doing that, then you needed to go back to your Dr for a tweak or a change of medication.

I told her that one DOES still feel. One never stops feeling. One still gets sad and teary say, when there are sad situations or when ones feelings get hurt.

One still got tremendous joy and could belly laugh and giggle and guffaw.

One could still feel indifference. One could still feel despair. One could still feel EVERYTHING. Just a slightly less intense version thereof. All that the AD’s do is to take the edge off so that those feelings don’t impact your life to the point where you fall apart at the seams.

You just manage those emotions better. You don’t cry for 5 hours straight because you were moved by a TV advert. You don’t lock yourself up in your room for days because someone at work said something hurtful.

You are able to logically look at a situation. You are able to actually step “outside”  of a situation and rationalise it. Analyse it. Decide if it was a battle worth fighting.  Decide if you actually, really wanted to fight it.

You are not on a heady, druggy trip à la Trainspotting. You are not in a world of your own à la Brittany S Pears.

You cannot become an addict and will not  go through “withdrawal” or “cold turkey” when going off them.

Do I think that sometimes Dr’s are too quick to prescribe them? YES.

Do I believe that some people need them more than other people? YES.

Do I believe that they are effective as PART OF a holistic treatment plan which includes exercise, enough rest, therapy and a good diet? ABSOLUTELY.

Without me going into the science of it all, this is what it boils down to FOR ME:

My AD’s make a MASSIVE contribution towards me having a clear, focussed mind  which, in turn has further spin-offs.

I am infinitely more organised and less scatterbrained which in turn takes care of overwhelm and anxiety and feelings of not being in control of my life.

My senses are heightened and I actually SEE the leaves on the tree. Not just the tree.  I actually SEE the details. The shapes. The colours.

It’s like waking up after a long sleep.  Everything is fresher. The air is more crisp.

My AD’s essentially help me to be a BETTER version of myself.

I really like (and love) myself and others a lot more when I am on them.

I  feel more “connected” to the world at large and NOT disconnected.

I feel what it must feel like to feel “NORMAL”. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I wish that I didn’t need them. Apparently I do.

And I really wish that people would tone down a bit on the ignorance. It gets a bit old after a while…


No words

Usually, in my life when the words don’t come then it means that I need to take a step back. I need to wait it out. Breathe. Be Still. Do some yoga. Go run. Get perspective. Or whatever.

Fact is, I like the words. Correction. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the words. I cannot possibly imagine my life without them.

But. I want them to come naturally. I want to see them display on my screen without having being edited too much – btw I do very little content editing on my posts – this is probably why I seldom blog less than 800 words. I usually just spell check because I HATE bad spelling.

I could blog about my weekend but I don’t feel like it. I could blog about this wedding that I went to on Saturday. I could blog about the fact that I still don’t have a tree or any form of Christmas decor up. I was just too tired to do this on Sunday. I went in to the office to do some work and when I came home I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and then I went to bed.

Point is, I have loads of things to blog about at the moment. Off the top of my head I have approximately 14 things/ topics to write about.

Yet, the words don’t want to come. I stare at the blank screen. I start a sentence. I delete. I finish another sentence. Then another. Then I delete ALL the words.

Rinse and repeat 12 ( YES, TWELVE) times. Then I stop. I give up. It kind of kills me to have to do this. IT feels wrong to walk away from the words that are taking a bit longer than usual to come.  It feels like I am admitting defeat.

But. This is what I do know:

To me, there is nothing more beautiful than words strung together, regardless of the medium used to display them.

There is familiarity and comfort in the words. I need them because to me they symbolise “normal”. They are an indication that all is well and that things will be OK.

The words need to flow and if they are not flowing then I need to examine why that is. I received some information/news yesterday about someone who I love with my entire heart and soul that I should probably work through.  When I’m out of denial or shock or whatever I will blog about it. Hopefully in 2012. Could this be why there are no words at the moment?

What do you do when the words don’t come? Do you force them as I’m obviously doing now? Do you take a step back and wait for it to pass?

Mmmm….maybe I should post  some pictures?  Maybe I should publish a quote or something wordy that I’ve pinned? Must think about that.

In the absence of words do you substitute with pictures etc?

And btw…how do I get rid of this snow on my blog?


Dealing with anxiety

Thank you for all your beautiful comments on my previous post. I took something for my tummy and am feeling sooooo much better. I am taking it easy for the next two days (no schedules or timetables or knitting or ANYTHING – in fact I spent last night watching really mindless TV) and then I will reassess where I’m at. I did go and exercise yesterday and it was HARD but I feel somewhat more normal.

I haven’t forgotten about the follow-up to that shouting post. I’ve finished writing it and am tweaking it a bit and I will publish it tomorrow.

I just really need to talk about about a different issue quickly.

There is a person in my life who is overwhelmed by anxiety.

This person (I don’t want to say who it is but I’m sure that you can figure that out) has had an exceptionally tough year.

The person in question has recently lost a parent and is under tremendous stress in the workplace.  He works A LOT of hours for a rubbish employer who literally expects 300% from his staff  and wants to return the favour with 20%.  No wonder he has such a VERY HIGH staff turnover.

The persons anxiety is becoming crippling and we are slowly getting to the point where he is unable to cope.  There are even panic attacks being thrown in for  good measure. The other day I had to make the person pull over in the traffic so I could drive. We witnessed an accident – thankfully nothing major,  and he literally froze  and couldn’t remember what to do.

I have talked to the person about seeing someone but he is not ready (or rather, he is not comfortable) with that. I don’t think that men are into that  whole “seeing someone to talk about their feelings” business. I then asked the person to go to our GP  to get booked off sick for a couple of days. I do believe that a big part of the problem is this persons levels of fatigue. I believe that he needs to be home for a few days. Just to rest and not do or think about anything else. I think that he needs a time-out of sorts.  When I mentioned this to him he panicked. He told me that he cannot deal with the fallout that will inevitably take place at work if he takes off sick.

I asked the person to come and run with me at the crack of dawn on a Saturday and a Sunday morning. I told him that it would do him the world of good and that it’s a start. I told him that we don’t even have to run, we can either do brisk walking or we can do walk-run, walk-run. He is not sure. Well. Not yet. The person even struggles to make a basic decision like this.

The person keeps thinking that he is going to die any minute now. He has practically been OD’ing on Rescue which no longer seems to do anything.

The person is not that keen on medicating (his reasons for this are completely valid and I do understand them but I wish that he would at least TRY) so I am kind of at a loss as to the way forward. I know that I can convince him but ultimately he needs to make the decision and go forward with it.

I do suffer from mild anxiety as well (though I never used to get panic attacks – mostly knots-in-my-tummy stuff) so I know that it is a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE place to be. Fortunately my AD medication manages this for me so I am very lucky to not have that anxiety be a part of my life any longer. In very extreme circumstances I may take some Rescue Remedy.

If you are someone who struggles with anxiety or if you know someone who struggles with it then what would you suggest?

How does one deal with this? How does one deal with someone who is afraid  to go for help/won’t medicate/ is crippled to the point that they don’t know where to start dealing with this?

And why are some people more prone to this kind of stuff than others?

I feel really sad for this person as he has truly had the most horrible 2011.

The person that I’m referring to knows about this blog and chooses not to read it. Having said that, I do think that I will take this post down within the next day or so.

Monday is nearly done

I woke up feeling blue.

Decided to sleep in.
Visited my SIL for a bit because she was worried about me. I think my DH called her to get me out of the house. She tried to pray the Sad away. (As an aside…I watched the Greys episode this weekend where Callie’s dad brings the priest around to pray away her gayness. Was actually a powerful and moving and incredibly sad episode where the conversation ends with them fighting each other with Bible verses).
Not sure if my SIL’s prayers worked. The Sad is still here.
Came back home.
Played on computer. Pinned one thing. Tried to tweet. Tried to FB. Was too overwhelming. So much noise.
So I slept.
Woke up to drink tea.
Made something to eat despite having no appetite. Took two bites of sandwich and had one cherry tomato before giving up.
Awoke and wondered if the sadness would ever F*** Off.
Woke up and wrestled with the sadness. Tried to be reasonable with her. Tried to bargain with her. Eventually told her to F*** Off.
Made dinner while DH sorted kids (he cancelled his work  this evening to be with me)
Tried to comment on some blogs. The words wouldn’t come. Will try again tomorrow.
Tried to read a book. So many words.
Said a few words on FB and tweeted. Twice.
Blogged. As you can see the words are still not flowing.
Back to bed.
To sleep.
Because I am determined that tomorrow will be better and I need every ounce of strength to make sure that the Sad doesn’t control me.
ps…I have been taking my meds. Not sure what happened today.
pps..I REALLY wish that it was just a matter of pulling myself together and thinking happy, positive thoughts. I HATE this stupid Sad and want to toss out with her.