Fatty Boomsticks hits ROCK BOTTOM

I’m not quite sure when my weight issues got out of control – I guess it happened over a period of time.Until recently, I never really saw myself as an emotional eater and one thing that I absolutely CAN’T do is to eat when I am stressed out. I usually lose my appetite during times like that.

I lost all the baby weight after Child1 mainly due to breastfeeding. My weight was OK for a few years and then at some point I started to pick up weight. It happened so slowly, almost sneakily. I wasn’t at my ideal weight when I got pregnant with Child 2. I don’t pick up a lot of weight during pregnancy and this time was no different – I honestly didn’t worry about it because I figured that I would lose it once again with the “breastfeeding diet”. Well, the breastfeeding diet didn’t work the 2^nd time around and the weight stayed like it was part of the furniture.

Thinking back, it seems like my weight issues got completely out of control during my husband’s period of unemployment. We were having to be very creative about stretching meals and saving money on food. There was lots of pasta eaten during those months. Lots of fry foods like eggs and burgers. Lots of bread. Lots of rice dishes like breyani etc.  I was literally living in carbohydrate HEAVEN. These things are cheap to buy and they do stretch which at the time helped us a lot.For someone like me who was already overweight AND not exercising it was a VERY BAD IDEA.

I knew that I was overweight (I do look in the mirror and I know the number on my clothing label) but I can’t say that I felt obese or anything like that. My clothing still fitted me (mostly) though they felt a bit snug side. I also knew that I was overweight because people were forever passing comments which really stung. I mostly managed to ignore them (or be downright bitchy right back) and it was only when my Mother spoke to me at the beginning of the year that I decided to do something about it.

I went to WL and when I climbed onto the scale and saw how much I weighed and how much I needed to lose I was in shock and somewhat overwhelmed by the magnitude of what lay ahead for me, but I can’t say that I was deeply and profoundly affected by how fat I was. Even though I was overweight at that first weigh-in, I still wasn’t classified obese according to my BMI calculation though I was practically borderline. Somehow this fact reassured me.

Overweight people usually hit a “rock bottom”  of sorts, very much like addicts. This is involves getting to a VERY LOW point where they realise that some changes have got to be made and they usually come to this decision by themselves (whether it is to lose weight, stop taking drugs, drinking alcohol etc) when they hit their rock bottom.

Up until now I  haven’t had a rock bottom moment. I had my DH telling me that he loved me EXACTLY the way I was and that I looked HOT and on the other hand I had my mother telling me that she saw me as a walking heart attack. I felt bad after that conversation with her but I honestly can’t say that THAT was my rock bottom.

Well. My rock bottom came last week.

We had a guest trainer at Boot Camp. We could choose if we wanted a session of Tai Chi or Zumba Dancing. We chose Tai Chi thinking that it would be a nice change to the hardcore exercise we were doing 3 times a week and joined up with another beginner Tai Chi class at the venue where we do training.

WJ took pics of us during the session which she emailed us the next morning. I looked at them and I wanted to cry. I’m not sure if it was shock or disgust at the image of myself but I was completely grossed out when I saw those pictures. I literally felt nauseous and wanted to puke!

I haven’t had any pictures (except for the occasional head and shoulders shot) taken for many, many years so truthfully, I didn’t really have an accurate idea of what I look like (except for the picture in my head where I was only about 7kg or so overweight).

I saw those pics and realised just how FAT I am. I haven’t weighed myself since July (I’m trying to NOT obsess about the numbers) but I have lost 10 + kg so I was  more in shock at the fact that I was even FATTER than that recently. The pics tell me that I need to lose at least another 14kg to look even remotely proper. Ugh I am just completely grossed out by myself.

I responded to her photos via email. This is what I said:

From: Julia

Sent: 19 October 2011 10:26 AM

To: Wendy-Joy

Subject: RE: TAI CHI

Thank you for these pics which were quite an eye-opener. I haven’t had any pics of myself taken for many years and I never quite realised how fat I was!

And to think that I was FATTER than this? Yikes!

This was her response back to me:

From: Wendy-Joy
Sent: 19 October 2011 10:29 AM
To: Julia
Subject: RE: TAI CHI

You are most certainly THINNER now than you were when you started running and attending my sessions so focus on that Fact and that what you’re doing is working! 

You know, I know that she meant well with her response but I wasn’t feeling it. I’m still not feeling it.

I love that I am fitter. I love that I can run 5km without stopping. I love that I am still losing weight (albeit cm’s). I am not loving that I look like THAT!

I have hit my rock bottom. Better late than never. It really doesn’t feel good. IT feels almost overwhelming.

I know that I can’t lose the weight overnight. After all, it took me YEARS to get to this point so if I want the weight to stay off then I need to be a lot more serious about this lifestyle change.

I am going back to WL and I will be obsessing about the numbers. I know that they don’t shouldn’t define me but unfortunately they do. I need the numbers on the scale to drop. Significantly.

I wasn’t sure if I should post the pics here but have decided to post one of them. I am the one in the red t-shirt and the black tights.

Forgive the quality. They were taken with a BB.

 

The quality is actually rather poor so maybe I’ll mail the whole lot to whoever comments. If you want.

Weight. Numbers. Unhealthy Obsessions.

One of my goals for this month was to go back to Weigh Less.

I have stayed away for a few weeks for two reasons:

1. Things in my life were crazy for the past month or so – not really a good reason because I can slot in at any group if the time doesn’t work for me.
2. I was starting to hate that scale. Let me explain.

I am one of those people who need help when it comes to losing and maintaining my weight. Unfortunately I need to pay for accountability. In this case, accountability meant that I had to weigh myself and answer to my Group Leader every week. This kept me on my toes and I made really good progress with weight loss. At my last weigh in I had lost 10.4kg. This makes me very proud!

The bad thing about having to weigh every week was that I was starting to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale. This was not what I wanted. I used to beat myself up if I lost less than 400g.  I would eat something “illegal” like a piece of chocolate that I’d been craving and then do star jumps in my room so that it wouldn’t show on the scale. I stopped socialising because more often than not it would put me in a position where there was nothing suitable for me to eat and I would end up eating all sorts of pastries etc.

I do not want to be that person anymore. WL is ultimately a life-style change. I really love it and it works for me. I love that it has the perfect balance of carbs, protein, fruit, vegetables, healthy fats and eventually treats. I love that even if I should adjust my lifestyle to vegetarian or vegan, or if I fall pregnant or am breastfeeding,  then there are excellent options for me too. I love that I am never hungry and that I have the world of energy if I complete my formula and drink all my water for the day.

I listen to what other people eat on their weight loss plans and I honestly believe that my plan or rather, my lifestyle change is the better one. Their plans limit them so much and I often wonder what will happen when they decide to go off it start eating carbs or whatever?

Since I started running, my weight loss has come to a standstill. I believe that I am losing cm’s. I am not measuring myself but I can definitely feel it on my clothing. Fact is, I have not been losing grams or kilograms and this made me feel despondent.

My GL did explain that my body will go through a period of adjustment when I start exercising but that it would eventually settle down. Still, I wasn’t coping with losing 200g at a time and after chatting with my DH I felt that my obsession with the numbers on the scale was bordering on unhealthy.

This is what I have decided:

I am going to eat as well as possible during the week AND be good with the water – I am currently doing this anyway so it is really no adjustment. I menu plan (including lunches and snacks), I shop weekly for all the fresh produce and perishable foods that I need, I watch my portion sizes. This is part of my lifestyle and won’t stop.

On the weekends I am going to allow myself to eat what I want BUT I will watch my carb and fat intake – am not going to start eating junk and fried foods again.

When I am invited to a party I will try to eat something  before I leave to prevent me from overeating on food that is not good for me. I will save my carbohydrate serves in case I decide to have a glass of wine or two.

I will continue to run – I really miss it when it doesn’t happen. I will focus on becoming fit and healthy and NOT on the numbers on the scale.

I will go back to WL towards the end of September to see where I am at – I don’t currently own a scale and I am so glad I didn’t give in and buy one.

For now, my obsession with the numbers needs to be tamed. In fact, it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I have gone though a significant thought process this past weekend and I feel comfortable with this decision. I need to learn to trust myself and stop letting food and numbers control me. I need to not live to eat. I need to learn that I eat to live.

I believe that my relationship with food has matured in the last few months. Food and I have certainly come a long way. It no longer controls me. It’s no longer on my mind ALL THE TIME. I do occasionally comfort eat but am aware of this and am working on it.

I truly believe that I can do this. And I will.

 

You look lovely. BUT.

Recently, some people (at work) have complimented me on my weight loss.

This never fails to thrill me as it means that it is finally visible and a girl needs all the encouragement that she can get to keep going. Also, one of my primary love languages is words of affirmation and so compliments and singing my praises are obviously right up my alley.

I have noticed one thing though.

I don’t know if I am just being oversensitive but when some people(and it’s only the women at work btw) compliment me then it starts off well and ends off badly.

For example, one woman said to me yesterday: “you are getting so nice and thin – don’t fade away now” and another said: “that jeans looks really good on you BUT you need to wear a brighter top”. It’s not as if we even have the kind of relationship where it’s ok for her to say that to me. We are not exactly BFFs or anything.

This morning another woman said “your hips are getting smaller but if you lose any more weight then you will also lose weight in your face and it won’t look so nice”.

I told her that I am touched by her concern for my not-yet thin face but that I did actually prefer it that way. I could not help myself and she didn’t even realise that I was being sarcastic!

Seriously. I would NEVER dream of doing this. I find it easy to genuinely compliment people and mean it and I have absolutely no issues leaving snide remarks out of it.

Is this possibly a jealousy thing?  Is it just more proof that women really are their own worst enemies?

Whatever happened to just complimenting someone and leaving it at that? Whatever happened to actually being genuine when praising and complimenting someone?

Why does there always have to be a “BUT” when some people compliment you?

Of weight loss and cravings

This morning at my weigh-in the scale told me that I was down another 2 kilos. I was very excited. This puts my total weight loss at 8.5 kilos.

How do I feel?

Fantastic. Better than I have felt in years. I have more energy, my skin is beautiful, I am happy for the first time in years and I am feeling like I can do anything I can put my mind to.

I have not had any coffee since I started, though I am allowed 2 cups a day. The no-coffee thing was for the first 2 weeks of detox only. The thing is, I am not craving it and plan to have a cup only when I really fancy it. I’m really loving Rooibos tea so will stick to this. I am also considering introducing Green Tea at some stage. I think that what made this transition relatively painless was the fact that I was off takeouts way before I started with Weigh Less. I haven’t had KFC or McDonalds or even Nando’s for at least a year now.

I no longer eat any fatty foods – no fried foods at all.

I have cut down significantly on my sugar intake – I use sweetener in my tea.

I drink 2 litres of water a day. If I feel for a sweet drink then I have a glass of TAB (caffeine AND sugar free. What a win!) because Coke Zero is just VILE.

I have done a complete overhaul on the type of foods I make and how I prepare them. I have introduced things like chickpeas and green veggies (my favourite at the moment is the humble courgette) and more salad into my diet. I have also learned to go without those salad dressings and sauces.

I am disappointed that I’m not really feeling it that much on my clothing as yet. My clothes are not exactly falling off my frame (except for my fat skirt when it is unzipped) but they are also not as tight as they used to be.  I am at the point where I have to go and buy a belt to wear with my jeans.

I am disappointed that nobody seems to notice it yet. Well, except for my DH. Then again he could just be telling me that I look hot because he’s my husband.

I know I shouldn’t feel bad because I am ultimately doing this for myself and for a healthier heart so that “I” can have more time with my kids.

The only thing that I am seriously craving is salt and vinegar fish and chips from Plumstead Fisheries. Man, I really am dying for one of those Hake and Chips parcels. The Portuguese really know how to make fish and chips. The craving comes and goes and I usually ignore it. I tried to do my own version of salt and vinegar fish and chips but it just wasn’t the same. AS soon as I’ve lost 12kg I’m going to treat myself to this. My DH says I probably won’t enjoy it because it’s fatty and I’m not used to eating like that anymore.

In a way I hope he is wrong but deep down I also hope that he’s right when he says this. I would not like to go back to where I was. I am so done with being a fatty.

I am off to have some breakfast with my DH. We have the entire day to ourselves and I am besides myself with excitement!

Later.

x

 

 

 

Update on the first quarter of 2011 – part 1

Week 12/13 of the year 2011 brings the end of the first quarter of 2011. It has certainly been a busy quarter for me. I have been more productive these past 3 months than I have been during the entire 2008, 2009 and 2010. I am happier than I’ve been in years (still on the Happy Pills – these babies are STAYING forever) and for the first time in a very long time it feels like I have purpose. So. Let’s assess where I am at.

Money matters:

Earlier this year I did a post on becoming a grown-up about my money. I haven’t truly respected my money for many, many years and things fell apart when my husband was retrenched at the end of 2009. He was unemployed for a whole 8 months. We had some savings which were quickly exhausted and everything was literally about surviving one day at a time. Unfortunately we managed to rack up a bit of debt at this time (I know it wasn’t clever but we did what we had to do to hold onto our possessions and stay off blacklists and things) which we are STILL trying to recover from. My husband is currently employed (he loves his job btw…it was a complete career change for him) but unfortunately this meant that he had to take a massive pay cut. The plan was for him to remain at this company until something better came along but it looks like he would much rather stay on and gain more experience and qualifications – they are actually paying for him to study. Anyway. I made a list of stuff that I needed to do in order to get back on track in this area of my life. Well. I am very proud to say that I have done EVERY SINGLE THING that I listed in that post. Except for changing banks, (it wasn’t necessary) and I decided that our family holiday may need to wait another year.  While we are in this period of recovery things are still really difficult but I feel so much more in control. And I have to add here that we are extremely blessed. Even though we are broke (I hate this word – I prefer to use the term “temporarily out of cash”) midway through the month we survive. Things just fall into place. The bills get paid. We eat every night. We have shelter. We have so much more than most people. So. All is good on this front. It’s a matter of keeping it up and this I will do because I am determined never to be THAT poor again.

Health and Fitness:

I wrote this post in the week that I joined Weigh Less. As of today I am down approximately 7kg. I haven’t weighed for 2 weeks now but will have a better idea of my exact weight loss on Saturday after I weigh myself. I have not lost a complete size yet but my fat skirt* fell off my hips this past Saturday. Despite the fact that I am very impatient and want to lose ALL the weight yesterday, I am actually enjoying the process of meal planning and shopping for just the right amount of stuff that we need. In fact, for the first time I just LOVE grocery shopping. My favourite places to go to for vegetables are organic markets. I have introduced many new foods into my diet. Some of my favourite things to eat now include things like chickpeas and beans and lentils. Who would have thought that I would be considering becoming a vegetarian? I drink 2 litres of water every day and my skin is beautiful. I eat very little fat and quite frankly I feel fabulous. For the first time in a long time I feel pretty. I can actually look at a photo of myself and like what I see. That is just such a big thing for me. In terms of the exercising I have done the best I could. I really struggle to fit exercise into my life so I walk in the mornings (when I don’t take the car to work) as well as in the afternoons after work. I have done some exercising off a Zumba DVD but I need to make more effort with this especially since the weather is now changing. All in all. I am happy with where I am at with my fitness and weight loss journey but I am going to have to step up the exercise thing a notch.

My house:

I finally sorted out my filing. What a nightmare! It took weeks to get something going that I could maintain easily. I shredded and tossed a LOT of paper. And I actually have a filing system in place. I do filing and admin once a week (am trying to do it more regularly) but for the moment this is working for me. I think that I will make an effort to do this twice a week from 04 April.

 

*I must mention the story of my fat skirt falling off my hips. On Saturday I was in my pyjamas – it was quite early in the morning – my DH had just left for work and I put a load of washing in the machine and went back to bed. After a while I heard the washing machine switch off. I took off my pyjamas and put on my Fat Skirt. My Fat skirt can’t zip up (for obvious reasons) and I usually pull it up as far as it can go and walk around with it unzipped. So I started hanging up the washing and at that moment my skirt fell right down to my ankles. I was so excited I even did a little happy dance! Then as I pulled it up I heard a sound coming from my neighbour and I looked directly at him – he was painting his roof. I was mortified that he had seen that little show!  Silly Pervert! He was just grinning. Fortunately I was wearing pretty panties. I ran back inside my house, paced a bit and then woke my Tween to go and check if he was still there. Poor child was not impressed with me. He came back to tell me that said neighbour was gone. It was only at that point that I went back outside to (very quickly) hang up the washing. And let me just say that my skirt finally (after many months) zips right up and still feels a bit loose around my hips. Am so excited!

 

Part 2 of this post follows. Stay tuned.

 

 

Of bald heads, Saturdays, School stuff and Walking

1. After being all gung-ho about shaving my hair I changed my mind at the last minute. I realised that I am going to be drawing a lot of attention to myself and that I would be much more comfortable with this if I was thinner. So, I am going to be doing it, just not right now. I don’t think that I would feel comfortable being bald AND overweight. And, winter is coming and I can’t stand hats and stuff on my head. My colleague and I debated this issue at length on Friday. She told me that I am allowing the media to influence my thinking of bald headed girls who are overweight vs. bald headed girls who are thin. I suspect she is right and I probably need to think some more about why I feel the way I do. Also, as a reward to myself for losing weight I am going to be treating myself to a boudoir shoot sometime in July. Long hair will just look better with this.
2. This past  Saturday I went to weigh in and that beautiful scale told me that I lost a whopping 1.8kg. I was so chuffed with myself – this puts my total weight loss at 6.3kg. I wish that I could say that my jeans is falling off but it’s not happening as yet.  After weigh-in I went with my friend to the organic market for breakfast, followed by a walk, followed by a trip to the Spar for fruit salad and water (It was extremely on Saturday), followed by another beach walk at Hout Bay, followed by a trip to Checkers for some dinner stuff, then I went home for some QT with my DH, then we went to fetch the kids at MIL to take them for a swim at St James. We arrived home at 18:30, I put them in the bath and then made us a quick dinner before we all decided that an early night would be in order. Such a beautiful day.
3. On Sunday I spent the day testing my Tween son on the subjects that he will be writing exams on this week. We did well and managed to get through most of the subjects that he will be examined on this week.  Tonight he must revise and we’ll go on with Fridays stuff. He then had to finish off another project which was due on Monday. He is doing well on his own but I have to say that some of the assignments are absolutely ridiculous and it annoys me tremendously, even though I am just supervising and offering guidance here and there. I often wonder what we would have done without Google and what if we lived far from the library. I planned for us to go to evening Mass and then fell asleep. Was a bit bummed but there is always next week.
4. This week I am taking my walking to the next level. I am doing my morning walk in about 15 minutes at the moment. From tomorrow onwards my DH will be dropping me a lot further away. I really should work out how many kilometers I am actually walking. Did I mention how much I love this part of my day? Currently it is the only alone time that I have. I am also going to be walking in the afternoons (only if it is not too hot) to my sons aftercare facility – approximately 30 minutes of walking.
5. I have been home (i.e. not at work) for most of yesterday and today looking after my “very sick” Toddler boy. Eish. It is quite tough looking after a child who is not THAT sick but who is also not well enough to be at school. He is having an absolute ball and is playing in the bath at the moment. Singing at the top of his voice. So much for being quiet when you are sick. He is so going back to school tomorrow.
6. Otherwise, all is well and dare I say it? I am happy.

 

 

 

 

You make me feel like dancing…

I recently watched season 1 & 2 of Private Practice as well as Seasons 1-4 of Greys Anatomy.

I noticed that at the end of the episodes the characters sometimes dance to really loud music.

Well, guess what is my new favourite thing to do in the evenings?

DANCE!

I had loads of fun last week selecting music for this. This evening we danced to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. We did not do much dancing this past weekend as my body and feet were sore from all the dancing at U2’s concert (it was absolutely fabulous btw). Last week we danced to Prince and Madonna and Mika and some Johnny Clegg. I absolutely love it and it is totally my favourite way to unwind in the evenings. My kids and my DH join in as well and they LOVE it! In fact, we have worked something out where everyone (except my Toddler – he will probably choose Barney or something silly like that) gets a chance to choose the music which we will be dancing to for that evening.

It is the perfect stress reliever, such a great workout and it can instantly put me in a good mood. My friend offered me her Zumba DVD which I also tried once last week. She spent something like R500 on and she doesn’t even use it! How can you spend R500 on something that you don’t use?

So. If you are looking at ways to relieve some stress, have some fun and just let your hair down (for free) then I suggest that you just dance.

No rhythm required (I don’t have much rhythm to speak of), no money required, no special clothing required – you can even do it in your underwear.

Seriously. The only requirements are some funky tunes and a willingness to let your hair down for a bit.

GO FOR IT!!!

ps…I lost 0.4kg as per weigh-in on Saturday.  I didn’t really expect to lose anything because of AF and the fact that I really battled on Thursday and Friday last week so I am actually quite chuffed with my 0.4kg. Total weight loss for 4 weeks = 4.8kg. That makes me rather happy.

 

 

Some Random Updates

1. I took a leave of absence from all social media this past weekend. It was glorious. I got so much done around the house, I read a bit, I spent some time with a friend – we went for a walk, I watched more Dexter (did I mention how fascinated and creeped out I am by Dexter? And yet, I just keep going back for more) and I took my kids to the beach.
2. On Saturday at weigh-in I lost 1.6kg which made me much happier than last week. This puts my total weight loss at 4kg. I think that this is quite good for 3 weeks.
3. I have not gone to the Granny Gym yet. Very bad, I know. I have just been too lazy. But, I have been skipping every night (I’m planning to buy a more fancy skipping rope with my next salary) and I got a Zumba DVD from my friend. So far, I’ve done this once. It was great fun though.
4. I managed to sell 2 unused (still in plastic) AMC pots this weekend that I bought as part of a set 2 years ago. I made a cool R5k from it which filled a number of gaps. Now to get the ball rolling with the rest of my stuff that need to be sold.
5. I am worried about my weight loss for the coming week because I am supposed to be getting a period any minute now. Will the bloatedness show on the scale again? My group leader says it probably will but that I need to stick to my formula, drink my water and do some gentle exercise in order to at least maintain my weight.
6. I am not particularly enjoying my job. But this is probably old news. I need to plan how I’m going to move from here.
7. Today is Valentine’s Day. My DH is not into it. I am into everything that is soppy. I tell him that it’s fine, even though I would love something small. I should be used to it by now. Clearly I am not.
8. My DH was in Durban for a couple of days. He came back with lipstick for me. I was most impressed with him as he bought a brand that I never use (a more expensive one) and he was spot on with the colour. He told me that he was picturing how that particular shade would complement my skin tone. Isn’t he just stunning? He is so good at buying me gifts. Especially when he applies himself.
9. I have not PMS’d yet. I suspect it’s the healthy eating.
10. I attempted a vision board recently. It’s not going so well. Either I have crap magazines with nothing that appeals to me or I’m somehow missing the point of it. I am going to my Mom’s for more magazines tomorrow so I can try again.
11. This coming Friday my DH and I are going to see U2. I cannot begin to explain just how excited I am. I have taken the day off to finish laundry and tidy up, I’ll collect the kids around 13:00pm and drop them at my PIL and then I will meet my DH in CT so we can do the fan walk first.
12. On Saturday I have to take my kids to 2 parties. Sjoe…I am not sure how we are going to feel on Saturday after Friday night’s extravaganza.
13. My DH and I also have another weekend away (sans kids) scheduled for the second weekend in March. I cannot wait to sleep late and wake up in silence and to have champagne for breakfast. So excited!
14. Did I mention how excited I am to see U2 this weekend?