I’m not quite sure when my weight issues got out of control – I guess it happened over a period of time.Until recently, I never really saw myself as an emotional eater and one thing that I absolutely CAN’T do is to eat when I am stressed out. I usually lose my appetite during times like that.
I lost all the baby weight after Child1 mainly due to breastfeeding. My weight was OK for a few years and then at some point I started to pick up weight. It happened so slowly, almost sneakily. I wasn’t at my ideal weight when I got pregnant with Child 2. I don’t pick up a lot of weight during pregnancy and this time was no different – I honestly didn’t worry about it because I figured that I would lose it once again with the “breastfeeding diet”. Well, the breastfeeding diet didn’t work the 2nd time around and the weight stayed like it was part of the furniture.
Thinking back, it seems like my weight issues got completely out of control during my husband’s period of unemployment. We were having to be very creative about stretching meals and saving money on food. There was lots of pasta eaten during those months. Lots of fry foods like eggs and burgers. Lots of bread. Lots of rice dishes like breyani etc. I was literally living in carbohydrate HEAVEN. These things are cheap to buy and they do stretch which at the time helped us a lot.For someone like me who was already overweight AND not exercising it was a VERY BAD IDEA.
I knew that I was overweight (I do look in the mirror and I know the number on my clothing label) but I can’t say that I felt obese or anything like that. My clothing still fitted me (mostly) though they felt a bit snug side. I also knew that I was overweight because people were forever passing comments which really stung. I mostly managed to ignore them (or be downright bitchy right back) and it was only when my Mother spoke to me at the beginning of the year that I decided to do something about it.
I went to WL and when I climbed onto the scale and saw how much I weighed and how much I needed to lose I was in shock and somewhat overwhelmed by the magnitude of what lay ahead for me, but I can’t say that I was deeply and profoundly affected by how fat I was. Even though I was overweight at that first weigh-in, I still wasn’t classified obese according to my BMI calculation though I was practically borderline. Somehow this fact reassured me.
Overweight people usually hit a “rock bottom” of sorts, very much like addicts. This is involves getting to a VERY LOW point where they realise that some changes have got to be made and they usually come to this decision by themselves (whether it is to lose weight, stop taking drugs, drinking alcohol etc) when they hit their rock bottom.
Up until now I haven’t had a rock bottom moment. I had my DH telling me that he loved me EXACTLY the way I was and that I looked HOT and on the other hand I had my mother telling me that she saw me as a walking heart attack. I felt bad after that conversation with her but I honestly can’t say that THAT was my rock bottom.
Well. My rock bottom came last week.
We had a guest trainer at Boot Camp. We could choose if we wanted a session of Tai Chi or Zumba Dancing. We chose Tai Chi thinking that it would be a nice change to the hardcore exercise we were doing 3 times a week and joined up with another beginner Tai Chi class at the venue where we do training.
WJ took pics of us during the session which she emailed us the next morning. I looked at them and I wanted to cry. I’m not sure if it was shock or disgust at the image of myself but I was completely grossed out when I saw those pictures. I literally felt nauseous and wanted to puke!
I haven’t had any pictures (except for the occasional head and shoulders shot) taken for many, many years so truthfully, I didn’t really have an accurate idea of what I look like (except for the picture in my head where I was only about 7kg or so overweight).
I saw those pics and realised just how FAT I am. I haven’t weighed myself since July (I’m trying to NOT obsess about the numbers) but I have lost 10 + kg so I was more in shock at the fact that I was even FATTER than that recently. The pics tell me that I need to lose at least another 14kg to look even remotely proper. Ugh I am just completely grossed out by myself.
I responded to her photos via email. This is what I said:
Sent: 19 October 2011 10:26 AM
Subject: RE: TAI CHI
Thank you for these pics which were quite an eye-opener. I haven’t had any pics of myself taken for many years and I never quite realised how fat I was!
And to think that I was FATTER than this? Yikes!
This was her response back to me:
Sent: 19 October 2011 10:29 AM
Subject: RE: TAI CHI
You are most certainly THINNER now than you were when you started running and attending my sessions so focus on that Fact and that what you’re doing is working!
You know, I know that she meant well with her response but I wasn’t feeling it. I’m still not feeling it.
I love that I am fitter. I love that I can run 5km without stopping. I love that I am still losing weight (albeit cm’s). I am not loving that I look like THAT!
I have hit my rock bottom. Better late than never. It really doesn’t feel good. IT feels almost overwhelming.
I know that I can’t lose the weight overnight. After all, it took me YEARS to get to this point so if I want the weight to stay off then I need to be a lot more serious about this lifestyle change.
I am going back to WL and I will be obsessing about the numbers. I know that they don’t shouldn’t define me but unfortunately they do. I need the numbers on the scale to drop. Significantly.
I wasn’t sure if I should post the pics here but have decided to post one of them. I am the one in the red t-shirt and the black tights.
Forgive the quality. They were taken with a BB.
The quality is actually rather poor so maybe I’ll mail the whole lot to whoever comments. If you want.