She comes in waves. She has a friend called Depression who makes it easy for her. They fight one another all the time. Depression is under control. These days, Grief is the winner. Some days the wave is huge and envelopes your every being.
You can’t breathe.
You can’t move.
You can’t speak.
You are almost paralyzed.
And yet. You fight it even though you know that you probably shouldn’t. After all, life does go on. Bills still need to be paid. The house still needs cleaning. We still need to eat. There are still school projects and homework to supervise. Routine is a relief. It helps to maintain your sanity.
So you grieve in those silent moments. You are aware that it is part of the process. You fight the silence. It’s too painful. And all the time you are aware that fighting it is not exactly solving the problem.
Then you have other days when you are happy to be alive and you are aware of every single breath in and out and in and out. And you find it so easy to see just how blessed you are and how much love you have in your life. You laugh all the time. You are aware of your senses and savour and enjoy every single taste and smell and sound. You drink in the beauty around you and you want to use every single muscle in your body. You want to be close to the one you love. You crave both emotional and physical intimacy and you are so, so grateful to have this. And you realize that you really need to savour it all because who knows when it might be the end?
Up and down. Ebb and Flow. Up and down. Back and Forth. Up and down. Roller coaster. Up and down. Wave.
I end this piece with a quote from Greys Anatomy’s Meredith which sums today up for me:
“Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”