Check check check-in

So the other evening I went out for dinner with 2 of my girls.

Friend Y and I traveled in her car and the arrangement was that we meet friend O.

We arrived at our meeting place and Friend O wasn’t there yet. So we sat and looked through menus so long. Friend Y then realised that she left her phone in the car. She contemplated whether she really needed to go and fetch it – the car was parked in a secure parking area (we were at Cavendish) and her husband knew who she was with and so could reach her on my phone if necessary. Eventually (after about a minute of contemplation) she jumped up and said that she was going to fetch her phone because SHE NEEDED TO CHECK IN ON FACEBOOK!

Oh my hat. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Friend O arrived at that moment when she ran back to the car. I  told her where Friend Y went to and WHY she HAD to fetch her phone and she had a good laugh too! Friend Y then  came back with her phone, checked in on FB AND made sure to tag us as part of the update.

Anyway. It made me think AGAIN about the checking-in thing. I have never ever checked in ANYWHERE in my life!

I may include my whereabouts as part of a status update eg..having soooo much fun at the Sting concert. OR I may post a pic and include a caption like “ scones and tea with a spot of sewing at the Cape Grace”  or whatever.

But I have never actually physically done a check-in.  I have simply never felt the need to do it, mainly because it just feels weird. For me.

I don’t have ANY issues with people who DO check in, though I may get annoyed with them if they do serial check-ins.  Like more than 2 or 3 places a day.

Or if they are not responsible and safety conscious about it eg checking in at their kids schools and naming the school etc. THAT annoys me.

For the most part though, it’s all fine with me. I always say that you need to do whatever makes you happy so if you need to check in, then check in.

It DOES fascinate me though. Maybe because the serial check-in types never have a really good reason as to WHY they need to do it ALL THE TIME? Like 7 times a day or something?

Are you the type to check in? 

Why do you check in? 

Would you consider yourself a serial check-in type? 

Ps…I think I’m going to check in somewhere this weekend to see if it will give me some kind of thrill.

 

I don’t do playground…

….because I’ve been there and done that and I have LOADS of t-shirts.

I am a grown up.

I am aware of how things can be perceived.

I choose how to react to situations.

I choose to use my words carefully - to build and NOT destruct or break down.

I don’t react in anger.

I listen.

I think.

I sleep on it.

And if something  REALLY bothers me to the point that I’m losing sleep then I may call the person out by emailing or messaging them – I actually don’t need an audience to bring my point across. I haven’t ever needed to do this though because quite frankly, if twitter annoys me (and it has been doing this A LOT in the last while) then I just log off  and come back some other time.

Seriously people. How do we even begin to teach our kids to respect the views of others, to be tolerant of others even when you don’t agree with them, to disagree respectfully, to NOT be nasty and to play nicely on the playground if as adults we are not even getting it right?

I watched a number of sub-tweet wars two nights ago and I wanted to vomit. I kept thinking that SURELY this cannot be happening between ADULTS? Ugh.

And interestingly enough, I felt GUILTY about the fact that I was watching this ugliness play out and NOT saying something to STOP it. I felt like I was an accomplice because I stood by and watched. I felt guilty because, here I am trying to teach my kids to STAND UP and be counted if they see wrongdoing and ugliness and not to stand by and watch. And I went an did exactly the opposite of what I would expect from them.

Here’s the thing:

People are ALWAYS going to have differing views and opinions.

HOW you react to a situation says more about you than you will ever know.

People’s perceptions of you are just that. Perceptions.

Respectful debates are fun and interesting and one can learn so much. Mudslinging is NOT. It’s childish.

It’s not WHAT you say but THE WAY in which you say it.

I wrote a post a year ago about blogging and commenting and differing opinions. Here’s the link, but I’ll once again summarise my main points in that post.

Before you press publish – whether it is for a blog post or a tweet or a FB update/reply ask yourself these questions:

Does whatever I have to say (as the blogger/tweeter/commenter) come from a place of love and compassion and understanding and maturity? Am I being straightforward to the point of rudeness? Can others benefit from what I have to say?

In fact, today I’ll go a step further and include a pin which says very much the same thing. Only, it’s prettier.

Source: cookingwiths.blogspot.com via Julia on Pinterest

IS Twitter annoying you as much as it is annoying me? Are you a sub-tweeter? WHY? Please explain what your thinking is behind this? I promise not to judge.

Are you often a victim of sub tweeting? How do you respond to it when it happens?

Experiments, rediscoveries and enjoying the small things

This post from Jon Acuff struck a chord with me. I think because it’s something that has been on my mind a lot during these past weeks while I was offline.

My DH is not a big phone person and social media and being connected is not that big a deal to him. He checks FB every couple of weeks (if I remind him to do so) and he only checks private email once a day i.e. in the evenings.

Me? I try but I just can’t stay away. I need AT LEAST 5GB of data every month to survive with my sanity intact, I check emails constantly, and I go on FB and/or Twitter multiple times during the day using my mobile phone. Imagine I had to have a BB and was BBM’ing all day. OR an iPhone? Eish.

I don’t really check my phone much when I’m home because I use the computer to access my preferred media but I do check my phone a lot when I’m visiting family or when we are driving (obviously not when I’m driving) or waiting in a queue or something like that.

In fact, a few weeks ago I visited my parents and my Dad asked me (so nicely) to PLEASE put my phone back in my bag! I should have taken the hint there and then but I was kind of annoyed that he just didn’t GET IT!

During those 3 three weeks while I was offline I decided to try an experiment. Well, it wasn’t an experiment per se but I did need to save airtime in case of an emergency because we had no landline.

I decided to not access FB or Twitter or emails from my phone until such time as my home connection was restored.

Let me tell you, I NEARLY DIED. It was an EXCEPTIONALLY DIFFICULT habit to break. I felt incredibly isolated but as tough as it was, I eventually adjusted to my new normal. I think that the first 48 hours were the worst.

Instead of tweeting while I was in the car in the mornings I was knitting, instead of being on FB while I was visiting people I was actually making eye contact and talking (AND listening ) and engaging. Instead of rushing off to my computer after dinner I was talking to the kids and reading extra stories. Because I could. And because there was no computer and ADSL line calling my name.

The other day my DH passed a comment while we were driving and while I was knitting. He said, “I love that I can actually talk to you while we are driving now – I can’t get anything out of you when you have your phone in hand…” in other words he was thrilled that he could connect with me for a change. He felt like he actually mattered while in my company and he felt happy that I was putting him first, above my phone and online activities.

This comment made me a bit sad (it was never, ever my intention to make him feel less valued than my online connections) but it did make me think.

Even now that I’m online, I am extremely conscious about connection and making people (whether it’s my DH, kids or others) feel less valued because I’m more interested in what is going on in cyberworld.

This past week I thought about all the things that I rediscovered and really enjoyed while I wasn’t online.

•  Reading. I did A LOT of reading in this time.
•  Really paying attention to my kids. Zooming in on what it is that they  are really saying and having the longest conversations with them    EVER!
• Cleaning! I did not do well with those September goals but every single cupboard in my house has been decluttered. Also, there is more than enough time in the evenings to tidy up and doing just a little bit every evening helps A LOT!
• Going to bed at a decent hour to get my full 8 hours of sleep. I felt like a million dollars during that period.
• Cooking. I made a LOT of food and it felt like there was even enough time to experiment during the week.
• Listening to music in the evenings.
• Making lists upon lists upon lists. I am a list person but those weeks without connectivity just elevated that vice to new levels.
• A bit of Yoga before bed

I am back on Twitter again but I have to say it just hasn’t been the same. I find myself annoyed with the little snide tweets and the whole “living in a bubble” trip that a number of them are on. I actually don’t really go on during the day at all – though I may send out a tweet or two during lunch time if I remember.

I have been looking at other ways of structuring my time online but I do realise that this is a work in progress.

Fact is, I LOVE media, I love the connection that goes with it, I LOVE having the world at my fingertips. It’s who I am and so I am not going to change who I am but I am going to make some adjustments for the people in my life.

I’ve started by not taking my phone out of my bag in the car (whether I’m driving or not) and, when I’m out with my DH I will only take it out if it rings. Seriously. For someone like me this is very much easier said than done.

I’m currently contemplating deleting email functionality from my phone. I’m not there yet but it is on the cards.

I’ve blogged before about how much I struggle with this. I’m curious. How much time (in hours) are you really spending online in one day? What kind of total are you looking at if you add regular FB and Twitter and Email AND blog reading/commenting etc?

Please share? Am very curious.

 

The peer pressure – she is making an appearance

I have been very lucky with my Tween boy so far.

He is still very child-like and loves to play outside and with lego and build puzzles. He can entertain his little brother for hours and is definitely not your typical 11yr old. He is a very childish, playful Tween and quite frankly I prefer it this way. He doesn’t even have a mobile phone and if I were to get him one he would only be interested in playing games on it.

Even though he sees me using various social media he hasn’t really shown any interest in it.

I know that many parents allow their kids to have a FB page and a Twitter account and to use other media. I get that there are good reasons for this like having overseas family for example.  I am not judging them, but if I’m completely honest, it is not something that I am completely comfortable with for my child at this point.

I really would like him to be a child for as long as possible and I believe that social media may possibly take that away from him sooner than I feel is necessary. I do think that social media can be dangerous for a child and I would have liked him to at least be in high school before we consider this.

Some months ago he asked me for a FB page. I told him that his Dad and I would discuss it and get back to him. My DH and I discussed it at length. We know that these are different times and that it really is only a matter of time for before this happens. I do understand how it feels not to “fit in” with your peers. I also understand that technology is one of the ways for him to fit in without me having to necessarily break the bank.

I wasn’t completely OK with the idea but was prepared to give it a bash (obviously with lots of policing and controls). My DH felt that if we needed to police it then it meant that he wasn’t ready and that we should possibly reassess this in about a year.

We made a decision that media would have to wait and discussed it with him. He understood it and was OK with it. We never spoke about it again and that was that.

After we had that conversation with him,  we set up an email address for him as we felt comfortable with this. He basically only emails my parents and some of his classmates – really arb stuff like “we are having chicken and roast potatoes for dinner”. He does subscribe to certain newsletters (from ToysRUs and Canal Walk etc). And he enters competitions. My DH and I can live with this.

As with everything else, there are rules with the email. He knows that it is not a right for him to have email (or internet access for that matter) and that it is a privilege that can be revoked at any time. His room needs to be clean, homework needs to be done and checked etc. BEFORE he can check emails in the evenings. Also, there needs to be an adult present whenever he goes online. SO far we haven’t really had any issues.

Last week, he got a mail from a girl in his class – we’ll call her Nelly. He seems to really like her and is always telling me things that she told him. I’ve met her before (he introduced me to her at the Market Day last year) and I felt OK with her. I am not 100% OK with her at the moment (I wish I could tell him but then he won’t share with me anymore!) because I found out from my son a few weeks ago that she kisses boys! Call me old-fashioned but I am not quite OK with an 10yr old French kisser girl being my sons friend! Ugh. I obviously need to get over myself!

Anyway, Nelly sent him an email inviting him to FB to view her pics. He asked me to show him how to do this. I logged into my FB account and went onto her profile (which was NOT LOCKED btw – stuff like this REALLY makes me angry) and we looked at a few pics that she took with her mobile of some kids that they were at school with.

He asked me again about a FB page. I re-iterated that we had spoken about this before and that it was something that would have to wait for a while. He insisted that he is the only one in the whole school who doesn’t have FB. Sound familiar?

We then checked Nelly’s friends out and I asked him to identify all the people on her friends list who he was at school with. There was only one person. He asked me if I could speak to his Dad about it again. I told him I would but that I doubted that we would change our minds.

I am a bit torn about this. I don’t want it for him and at the same time I don’t want him to feel left-out. I don’t think that FB is for children and at the same time I think that with some guidance, he will be able to manage it. I feel that at some stage we need to show him that we trust him to make sound decisions and use good judgement.

As an ADHDer he has exceptionally poor social skills and I really would like us to do some more work on this before dipping our toes into the social media pond. Also, he has this habit (much like me I suppose) to get totally into something and lose all perspective of everything else in his life.

I haven’t had a chance to speak to my DH again (actually we don’t need to speak about this because we have already made a decision about this and WILL stick to it) but this is what I need to know from you:

Am I being unreasonably strict with my tween son about this? What do you think about kids and FB? Would you allow your 11yr old to have a FB page or a Twitter account? If you do have a child using social media how do you police it? What type of controls do you have in place?

Ps…a random interesting fact: I mentioned this in the office and was told that I am being unreasonably strict with him about this. I then put this matter out on Twitter and most of my followers completely agreed with my thought process on this. Those who did have kids on FB had VERY strict controls in place and were very consistent about enforcing them.

Pps…I was catching up on blogs in my reader earlier this evening and read this post from Jon Acuff which really made me think – not just about FB in relation to my kid but FB in relation to me. Perhaps I am in denial about how FB will affect my life in the long-run but I have to say that I didn’t quite see it like that. Right now, I am working on consciously trying to remain aware of this.

 

How do you decide what to post on FB?

I posted last week about my love/hate relationship with FB. At the moment it’s all fine. I have gone on it without getting too annoyed. Except for this evening.

There is this person that I am friends with on FB. I don’t really want to be friends with her but she wants to be friends with me and it would have caused huge drama if I had to decline or if I should decide to unfriend her.  I think she wants to make it clear to me that she is in control of a particular situation. No idea why she is so insecure but if it makes her feel better to be my friend then I’m all for helping her save money on therapy.

This person litters my stream with the most ridiculous, inappropriate updates. I consider myself relatively open-minded and non-judgemental so if I find something to be inappropriate then it really is inappropriate. Last night she posted pictures of herself in a horrific car accident that took place about 3.5 years ago. All blood and guts and gore and broken legs and stuff. I actually thought that it was in very bad taste.  Why would you want your 400 plus friends to see that? Is it for sympathy? Did she want people to admire her for surviving that? Her other FB friends feed/enable this sordid part of her personality and this is why she continues with it. A big part of me actually feels sorry for her.

It got me thinking about what is OK to post on FB. Obviously everyone has their own ideas when it comes to this. Some people do jokes, some do quotes, some post every 5 minutes about what they are eating, some do emotional postings, some talk about their kids, some post about their hectic social life, some bitch about their employers (a big NO NO in my book), some post arb stuff about the traffic etc.

I tend to post all the “vanilla” and keep the private stuff where it belongs – in my home. I went through a phase where I was emotional in my status updates but I stopped that and I don’t ever post when I am PMS’ing.

How do you decide what to post? Is there a limit to what you post? What do you consider an inappropriate status update on FB? What are your FB “rules” of engagement?

I am going to play around with my settings tonight. I’m sure there must be a way to block someone’s updates? I hope there is a way of doing this.