Exercise: The good, the bad and the ugly

I have mixed feelings about the exercise at the moment. I like it (just barely) and at the same time I HATE it with a passion.

While I run I am usually cursing under my breath and wondering to myself WTH I have managed to let myself in for.

But. I am incredibly blessed. I have an actual, proper trainer who is passionate about all things fitness and who encourages me and who WANTS me to succeed.

She wants me to set fitness goals for myself and we are looking at the entire process, from what I am eating to what vitamins I am taking right through to my running shoes. And I am not paying a cent. How lucky am I?

So.

The good:

I am not so exhausted ALL THE TIME anymore and I actually have energy to complete my more simplified evening routine. And I have more energy for “after-after hours” activities. Always a win.

Somehow I am feeling different. In a good way. I feel fitter and stronger and dare I say more content? Mentally, I am way more alert than I was just over a week ago.

I am sleeping so much better.

I have a renewed consciousness about what I put into my mouth.

I have battled with water consumption during these winter months and it’s nearly back to normal now. See previous point.

I feel a sense of accomplishment which does absolute wonders for my self-esteem.

My asthma seems to be more manageable (or maybe my body is just adjusting) and I’m at the point now where I only use the pump at the end of the session – this only after 5 sessions of torture. I still take it along for every session and I suspect that I am going to get to the point where I no longer need to use it during exercise. Not that I’ll stop taking it along with me or anything. Can’t be dropping dead in the street due to lack of oxygen and then on top of that, STILL be in sweaty clothing with dishevelled hair.  That would be very embarrassing.

New clothes! My lovely Mommy told me to go to Edgars and put aside whatever exercise gear I need so she can go and pay and collect it for me.   And I’ve budgeted for an upgrade in running shoes which I’ll be getting in the next couple of days.

I am not that sore anymore. I am sore while I’m doing it and for a bit after that but after I’ve had a bath and some rest then I’m OK. I can actually walk properly now and get up from my chair AND from the loo without holding onto something. Another win. Last week after session one, I had to request help (from the cleaner who was mopping our work bathrooms) because I couldn’t get up from the loo and the toilet paper holder thing wasn’t sturdy enough for me to hold onto. I was mortified!

The bad:

There ain’t no endorphins. Not yet anyway. I want them though, so am putting it out to the universe to send them along already!

My nerves are shot and my tummy goes into a knot before each session. Maybe because I know what’s coming?

The ugly:

The itching! Eish. I can cope with no endorphins but I am NOT coping with the itching. I am now at the point where I have to moisturise my entire body with E45 before AND after each session. I’m hoping that wearing proper exercise gear will alleviate this some more.

So. I guess that there is more good than bad. I am going to keep this up. And I am going to be adding at least 3 sessions of yoga a month to my routine. I have to get my exercise happy SOMEWHERE and yoga will also help me to improve on flexibility and balance. Can you believe that I can’t stand on one leg when I stretch? Totally embarrassing.

This afternoon after our session, WJ informed us that she would be adding some hills onto our route and that, as of Monday we would be running up to UCT and most probably up all those steps at the Jamison Hall.

I nearly hyperventilated and had to take some Rescue Remedy when I got back to my desk because my nerves couldn’t take it. Please light a candle for my poor muscles?

The girlfriend files

A few days ago I posted about the fact that my DH and I no longer really have many “couples” as friends.

Today I want to talk about my so-called girlfriends. The story is as follows:

Friend A:

No contact for 3 months. In the first week of April I texted her AND I called her because it was her birthday. As usual, we chatted up a storm and promised to meet. Well, we are still meeting. Because obviously this meeting is dependent on ME initiating as well as the fact that “I” need to make arrangements so that it can take place. She is currently in a relationship and is one of those people who “forget” about her friends when things are going well. As soon as the sh*t hits the fan then we are all good enough again.

Friend B:

Sigh. We last spoke about 6 weeks ago after “I” called. Before that? Maybe in February. I saw that she wished her partner well on FB (he was going for an interview) and I made the effort to call (from my work phone nogal!) just to see if all was well. Again, we chatted up a storm and promises made to meet. Again, I must initiate said meeting and make arrangements in order for everyone to just pitch up.

Friend C:

Very present in my life. Annoying me to no end at the moment. So very materialistic and so self-absorbed.

Friend D:

VERY VERY, VERY busy at work. I do understand this as she has a high-profile job. Surely she can at least return a text message? No contact since February. I have given up texting because I only have SO MANY FREE SMS’s and I do try to save them for an emergency or for when my airtime runs out already!

Friend E:

Calls me ONLY when she needs some kind of help which I (stupidly) give ALL THE TIME. Other than that I don’t hear from her.

Honestly? My address book is getting emptier and emptier. How does it get to this? I wanted to do something fun this weekend and I realised that there is nobody to invite because everyone (except for Friend C who is currently driving me batty) has just been too busy for me??? How on earth does something like this happen? How is it that I am nearly 33 and still struggling with stupid things like this?

I do enjoy the company of my DH very much. He is my BFF and my soul mate. However. It’s not the same as having a good girlfriend.

I don’t have many friends. I struggle to make friends because, even though it may not come across on this blog, I am actually very shy irl and it does take me a while to warm up to people.  I am also very private and very selective about who I allow in my space.  When I do let someone in, I give them my all.

Maybe this is the problem. The fact that I assume that they would naturally feel inclined to do the same? I understand that people view friendships differently. I also understand that something (within the context of a friendship) that I may perceive as important may not be as important to the next person.

Fact is, I crave contact (in the physical sense) and I crave deep connection. And I need for it to be mutual. I speak to each one of these people in their respective love languages. Nobody appears to even make an ounce of an effort to determine mine.

And yes, I know that there are different friends for different things i.e. tea drinking friends, movie friends, wine-drinking friends, online friends, shopping friends and deep connection type friends. Today this fact does not making me feel any better.

I also know that life is busy and that families and jobs and routines can get in the way of friendship. However, despite this also being an issue in my life, I do make an effort. I even have a spreadsheet. OCD much?

My requirements are very simple (well, I like to think so):

I need physical contact i.e. we could go for breakfast or coffee or even a walk.

I need no judgement of choices that I have or have not made. I don’t judge any of my friends and trust me, there are some stories that will make your hair stand up!

I need for them to not just trust me with their sordid secrets (this is so draining and sometimes puts me in a difficult position – nevertheless, I am still there for them) but also with regular everyday stuff like “I had some good sushi at XYZ restaurant” or “this new green tea that I’ve bought tastes really KAK” or “how did Joel’s speech therapy session go” or whatever.

I need a phone call on my birthday – presents not mandatory though it’s always nice to receive something. I really just want some of their time.

I need them to be interested in ME. Not my kids. Not my job. ME. Can you believe that not one of the people who I have listed know that I am trying to lose weight? OR that I am trying to improve my quality of life? Or that I love a rare steak? Or that I am looking for a new school for my Toddler?

Honestly? I feel like writing all of them off because I am VERY tired of having to be the “lighthouse keeper” in the various relationships. I really need a whole lot more than I am currently getting.

And quite frankly, I have just about had enough. And I know that I deserve a lot more than I am getting.