A few years ago I was in a job. I HATED this job as from Day 1. It wasn’t the job itself that I hated. Without going into too much detail (because I can write at least 700 words about the rubbish that went on there) I will go as far as saying that it was everything except the job that was terrible. It was the person who I had to report to – the relationship was emotionally abusive and broke me completely and I lost all confidence in myself.
It was the horrible work environment. It was the fact that my gifts and talents weren’t given the time of day. It was the fact that it was so far from home. It was the traffic. It was EVERYTHING.
I cried every single morning before I went to work. On Sundays I would get the most horrible stomach cramps. It took every bit of effort and self-control to get up and go to work every single day. I think that I actually used ALL my sick leave that year – for the first time ever.
One day I was outside having a fag – did I mention that I only started to smoke full-time when I worked there? Anyway. Another lady from a different office in the same building mentioned that she had just resigned. She told me that she’d had enough and that there HAD to be something better out there for her.
I just cried. And I think that this was a turning point for me. I am extremely private with my tears and I NEVER cry around people and here I was, crying on the shoulder of a complete stranger. She was so very kind and told me to just have faith. That things would come together.
After that conversation I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to choose ME. So after speaking to my DH who wasn’t comfortable with my decision although he understood why I had to do it(we had just bought a house so the timing was terrible), I quit that job and did not look back. I had no doubt in my mind that I was making the right decision.
Leaving that office on my last day of employment was one of the most freeing and amazing and beautiful days of my life and I will never forget how good I felt about my decision. I still remember it so well and I marvel at how much faith I had back then. I just knew that I wouldn’t be unemployed for long and that I would find something awesome. I just KNEW that things would be OK. And they were. I was unemployed for all of a week before I got a divine job in the right area with the right people at the right salary.
At the time something struck me. It struck me that I had waited an entire year to choose ME. I had spent an entire year being unhappy within my environment. I had waited an entire year before saying “ENOUGH”.
Isn’t that pathetic? AN ENTIRE YEAR! I swore I would never do that to myself again. I couldn’t believe that I thought so little of myself. Seriously. I essentially made a choice for an entire year to be unhappy for 8 hours of my day.
And now I am amazed at how history repeats itself. I feel like I am wearing an old coat that smells musty. Because I am in that same situation. Again.
I am not crying before work (I think it’s these beautiful AD’s that I’m on) but I am at the point where my body is acting out. I’m breaking out in hives when I think of having to go to work, I am constantly having neck and shoulder pain, my stomach is completely messed up and I want to smoke! Can you believe it? I haven’t been able to enjoy a weekend and just relax for some weeks now – even though I have been conscious about not scheduling social activities on the weekends.
And yet. I don’t have the courage to do what I did those years ago and just quit. I don’t have the faith that I had at the time. Where did my faith go? I wish I knew.
And I think that I am way past my breaking point. I honestly feel like I am in a prison. In ANOTHER emotionally abusive relationship. And like an abused woman, I keep hoping that the abuser will change which you and I both know will NEVER happen.
And I wonder what it will take for me to choose ME again. Will it be ill physical and/or mental health?
Will I always be making decisions that are not in my best interests?
Will I always be making sacrifices that don’t actually benefit me?
Will the decisions that I make ALWAYS be based on fear?
Have you ever been completely unhappy in a job? Have you ever just quit without having any prospects lined up? What is your breaking point? At what point do you see red flags?
