Why am I fat?

There is a particular area in my life where I just cannot get my A into G.  The area of BODY WEIGHT.

Actually there are many areas where I have to work REALLY hard to get my A into G and to keep my A in G. For example things like being disorganised with money, being impatient, being instant gratification etc. I go through phases where I do really well with these things provided that I nurture and maintain systems that I have implemented into my life which are there to make things run more smoothly.

I have to say that being on AD medication makes a HUGE difference to how organised I am. Those AD’s rearrange my brain and it absolutely shows in my real life. Seriously.

Anyway. Apparently there is a book out called “Why Am I Fat?”. It’s written by Jeffrey C Brown and here’s the link.  There were some mentions on Twitter about it.

I haven’t read the book yet and probably won’t – though I know that I SHOULD read it. Because I KNOW why I am fat. I even made a summary. In bullets. See how awesome those AD’s are? I even think in bullets!

I will start by saying that one of the reasons I hate exercising (even if there are endorphins afterwards) is because I am fat. Yes, I will tell it like it is. I am FAT.

I am too afraid to calculate my BMI because I suspect I will be classified obese. I am even afraid to get onto the scale because I can’t face those numbers. I don’t buy myself clothing and I am panicking about the summer. Because I LOVE swimming in the ocean and I’m going to have to wear a bathing costume. Or something.

My weight hampers my ability to physically push myself to the next level. I don’t run as well as I could be running and lately I actually noticed that I am the fattest person in my yoga class. I am not going back to that particular studio. They have a mirror! Last Friday I went to something called a Synergy class which was VERY HARD – it’s  a form of power yoga and moves fast and flowing. I was PANTING and sweating like a pig! Anyway I was the last one to enter the class (in other words I was late) and the only spot left was in front of the mirror. I was mortified. I felt like everyone could see how fat I was and I couldn’t stand to look at myself.

But seriously. This is why I am FAT:

• I think it’s safe to say that I am addicted to carbs –Especially BAD carbs. All the white stuff. Fancy breads. Roast potatoes. Pasta. Rice. Roti. I guess I could be called a carboholic?
• I do know that I’m not eating enough fruit and veg at the moment.
• I do know that I’m not drinking enough water at the moment – though I must say that the yoga really helps with the water intake.On Friday last week I finished 750ml AND another 500ml. IN ONE session.
• I do know that I occasionally (luckily it’s only occasionally)  eat emotionally.
• I do know that I don’t only eat when I am hungry. I love eating when I am bored. I also eat habitually. Like for example when I’m watching TV or at night before bed because I keep thinking that maybe I won’t wake up so hungry that I want to eat a small country. IT doesn’t work. I wake up STARVING.
• I do know that I am a greedy guts. I have a voracious appetite. I LOVE to eat. I am not one of those who eat to live. I LIVE to EAT!
• I do know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE good food. It really does make me happy. I LOVE when people cook for me and the other day, a lady in my office brought me some of her dinner leftovers (breyani!) because she knows that I love breyani. Don’t you just LOVE that she thought about me?
• I do know that I LOVE snacking. I can snack ALL DAY LONG.  On chocolate. Or salty snacks. Chips and pretzels and popcorn are my FAVOURITES. And mini-cheddars. Chocolate is for THAT time of the month only – I don’t crave it at any other time although if it is offered to me or if I need to buy them for someone then I will certainly throw one into the trolley for myself.
• I do know that I need to change my lifestyle. But it’s really become so costly. And tiring. I’m tired of peeling and chopping and weighing and numbers. I work extremely hard and I have a lot of stuff to deal with. I really would prefer to relax. Go to the beach. OR hang out with Rose.  And eat what I want to WHEN I want to.

And quite frankly I am getting annoyed at myself. I am an educated woman who knows the risks of being overweight. I know that I am at risk of a heart-attack or a stroke and and and. I know that I am sabotaging myself. But why?

Do I really think so little of myself? Do I honestly and truly have no respect for my health? Do I not want to grow old? Do I not want to see my children grow up?  Have I really got so little self-control?

Seriously! I can walk in shops that have all my favourite things and resist the urge to spend money. I have a credit card that I haven’t used for MONTHS and I’m not even remotely tempted to use it. And yet, I seem to lack self-control with food which directly affects my weight which makes me miserable because I can’t find nice clothes that fit etc. etc. Ugh. Such a vicious cycle.

I am going to be starting something in a few days that excludes all carbs – seriously. Am going to go all caveman-like. I’ll slowly re-introduce carbs (only the good ones) again in 2013 or something. Right now though, I need to lose this fat. Like ASAP.

Do you struggle with your weight? Do you lack self-control with food and healthy eating? How do I get past this hurdle?

Ps…Since writing this post I’ve been told that I MUST buy the book because it will help me to understand myself a bit better. I think I’ll put it onto the shopping list.

Natural Schmatural

I am relatively granola and all hippy-like (in fact, I recently made muesli from scratch. And liquid soap. Must blog about it) but not when it comes to medications.

I won’t be giving up my AD’s anytime soon and my son won’t be giving up his medication either.  I did try to go the natural route with my Depression but as with all things natural there is a process and it takes a lot of time. While I was waiting for the natural stuff to work I was getting ready to drive myself off a bridge. Same with Child1 and his medication. While we were waiting for the natural stuff to start working he was missing out on school stuff due to being hyped up and all over the place. I am VERY instant gratification when it comes to medications and I NEED results at the very least within 24 hours.

I am now at the point where I feel OK about going to the Homeopath – mind you only for certain ailments and not for any issues involving chemical imbalances or anything where an antibiotic is needed. We won’t be going to a Homeopath for chest issues and ear infections and tonsillitis stuff etc.

I have been thinking for some time to see a homeopath for my allergies (both Child 1 and I have them) because there isn’t really any medication that seems to work for us.  The ones that work relatively well are the ones that cause drowsiness which obviously isn’t practical. I have lived with it for a long time so I don’t mind going through the (long) process to get results.

I have also been thinking about taking Child2 to the homeopath his eczema. We generally have it under control but in summer it is a nightmare. I use cortisone and repair creams when he has a flare up but I want to get to the point where we don’t need it.

These are issues that I know will take some time to sort out but we have lived with them for some time so can wait for whatever to work.

The reason for this post is kind of twofold. Yesterday I went to the library (not to take out books, I HATE libraries  – I was waiting for someone and so I was reading the notice board at the entrance) and I saw a link for a site for an organisation that does all kinds of holistic healing processes.

These people claim  that they can cure my asthma using something called a cupping method. Not sure of the origins of this (must google – I think it comes from the east) but it does sound rather tempting.

I use preventative meds every morning and every night. It’s not something that I feel completely comfortable with and I am really only doing it so I don’t die due to lack of oxygen. Fact is, using a steroid pump can weaken the heart which essentially means that I could possibly die of a heart attack. Seriously. I just can’t win with this asthma. There are numerous studies about the side effects of prolonged use of steroid pumps. I am sceptical but I am also curious. What if they can cure my asthma? Am I possibly being naive?

So this is what I need to know today:

What are your views on natural health practitioners? Do you use them? Do you prefer them over the GP that LOVES to prescribe antibiotics?

How do you feel about eastern stuff – I’m talking about things like cupping. Or Acupuncture. Or Acupressure?

My friend uses a GP who also practices as a Homeopath. I rather like that idea but there isn’t a GP close to where I stay (or work) that does this. Would you go to this type of Dr?

 

What a difference a year makes – September 2010 vs September 2011

On Monday last week when the Sadness took over I got a call from my guy BFF – I really should blog about him sometime.

He spoke to me about a lot of things and in his quest to encourage me he reminded me where I was last year this time while I was in the midst of the Sadness.

Of course I was not in the right space last week to think rationally about it but today I thought about where I was at last year this time.

And the more I thought about this, the more I smiled. Because I have come such a long way.

Last year this time I was literally rock bottom with the Sadness. I had gone for help (only because my DH forced the issue) and I was slowly starting to feel better – but there were many, many unresolved issues that I was still dealing with.

I literally had no interests in my life except for the occasional book that I was reading – and I wasn’t exactly reading riveting stuff or anything. It was all mindless.

I didn’t have a single goal.

I was hardly stepping out of the house except to go to work and to visit my darling Mommy.

I was not exercising.

I was fat and eating lots of fresh white BREAD with peanut butter and jam! And I was living off Coke (not the powder, the drink) – I was drinking 1.5 litres per day.

My house was a mess.

I was sick ALL THE TIME!

Certain relationships had fallen apart and I wasn’t coping so well.

Honestly? I had checked out of life and was coasting along. I knew that death was not an option because I had kids and a spouse and my parents.

I knew that somehow I had to find the courage to pick myself up. But knowing that you have to do something and actually doing it are two very different things.

Well. Fast forward one year.

This year has been tough in many ways but at the same time it is turning out to be one of my best years yet. I have had the privilege of befriending the most wonderful people who have changed my life in ways that even they could not have imagined.

This year I actually have interests. I have set some goals for myself which I am working on.

I exercise and I see myself as an athlete! I am losing weight and feeling so much better about myself.

My health issues are practically resolved – it’s just a matter of being consistent with looking after myself.

I knit. And do crafty stuff. I am even going to buy a laminating machine next month.

I try to keep my house clean and in order and for the most part I manage this really well. I am constantly looking for ways to improve on maintaining order in my home. I even work out a budget and am going to grow vegetables soon.

I am learning a new musical instrument.

I write a blog post or three every single day (even if I don’t publish it).

I am taking care of my skin and doing basic things like drinking lots of water.

When my friend put all this to me on Monday I was in tears. Today I am thinking about it and I can’t stop grinning to myself.

What a difference a year makes.

For the first time in a very long time I am actually OK. Not 100% deliriously happy all the time but 100% OK most of the time.

I am so very blessed to have gotten to this point and I am in awe of the fact that I really have come such a long way.

Where were you in September 2010? Where are you now in September 2011? Are you happy with where you are at now?

In sickness and in health. NOT

I am generally VERY impatient.

This very ugly part of my personality shows up at least once a day. My son is an ADHDer and although I really try not to lose it with him, I am sometimes unsuccessful. I am a recovering shouter and have had to find other ways to channel this ugly bit of my personality.

Mostly this would mean choosing my battles and this is something that I do well. So, most of the time I am able to walk away or look away or pretend that I don’t see something. Not always the ideal way to deal with a situation but for the moment it is working for me and helps me to maintain my sanity AND my recovering shouter status.

The one thing that I absolutely CANNOT handle, in other words the one thing that causes me to lose my nuts, is when my DH is sick. I cannot deal with a sick adult male. The little patience that I do have is severely tested and I seem to lose the one ounce of compassion that I have.

I have no problem dealing with my kids when they are sick. I think it’s because they are somehow easier to deal with in that they WANT to get better so they can play and watch TV and do all their favourite things (in my house if you are sick then you MUST be in bed ALL THE TIME because sick people can’t play or watch TV or be on the computer) and they generally do exactly what I tell them to do i.e. eat soup, take medicine and SLEEP A LOT. The nurturer in me LOVES to take care of them.

However, the nurturer in me wants to pack my bags and move out when I have to deal with a sick DH. He whines ALL THE TIME. Nothing is good enough. From the tea that is first too hot and then too cold. To the medicine that tastes so bitter. To the food that tastes like metal. To the blanket that suddenly makes him itch. To the fact that he is too hot. Then too cold. Then so hungry. Then so thirsty. Then so tired. Eish. I could go on and on.

A few years ago my DH was hospitalised with pneumonia. He was discharged after a couple of days and let me tell you I was ready to move out. Seriously. I could not handle it. That experience scarred me for life.

About 2 years ago he had an ENT-type operation (btw…I know a fabulous, VERY SEXY ENT Dr if you are interested. Thanks to him my DH no longer snores). When I heard about what the ENT was going to do and the recovery period involved I asked him (very nicely) to move to my MIL for 2 weeks or so. I promised him that I would visit him every night. I would even bring him flowers and chocolates. I told him that I would give him WHATEVER he wanted just as long as I didn’t have to look after him during that recovery period. I told him that I could not possibly go through what we went through with the pneumonia incident because it would probably be the end of our relationship.

Shame. He felt really bad. And when he came out of hospital he really tried and ended up being a model patient. I think it helped that I went to work during the day and I had tons of sympathy by the time I arrived home in the evenings. I think it also helped that he followed the ENT Dr’s recovery instructions to the letter.

I still panic when he gets sick because I am reminded of that dreadful pneumonia incident. And I always give the option of recovering at his Mother’s house when he starts to get sick. I think that this serves as a kind of reminder that he needs to do whatever it takes to recover ASAP (otherwise I will lose it) and it does help keep him in check just in case he whines too much.

This past weekend he was VERY sick. As in he could not even handle noise. I had loads of things to do, much of which was not child-friendly and I had to cancel most of my plans as I couldn’t find a babysitter on such short notice. It did help that the kids and I were away from home for most of the day – I may have been on the verge of losing it on Saturday night. But, I didn’t.

I think he is finally understanding and accepting that I am simply not a good Florence Nightingale. And I think that I have finally accepted that this is who I am. I don’t do sick adult males.

And yet, he takes SUCH good care of me when I am sick. I actually feel VERY bad when I think of how different we are towards one another in times of sickness. He takes that “in sickness and in health” bit very seriously. I just want to run a mile!

He is an EXCELLENT Florence and I sometimes think that he may have missed his calling. He is better than me when dealing with our sick kids (they prefer him because he lets them watch movies if they are sick) and doesn’t mind driving to ER at any time of the night. He has no issues with body fluids (actually neither do I but he is just so much better at it) and he once even bathed me AND moisturised me AND dressed me when I was VERY SICK.

Are you a good Florence when your partner/spouse is ill? Would you make Mother Teresa proud?  Do you dote on your patient? DO you want to run a mile? Do you lose your humour and your sympathy?

Or, as Marcia would say, what’s your nursing style?

 

Weight. Numbers. Unhealthy Obsessions.

One of my goals for this month was to go back to Weigh Less.

I have stayed away for a few weeks for two reasons:

1. Things in my life were crazy for the past month or so – not really a good reason because I can slot in at any group if the time doesn’t work for me.
2. I was starting to hate that scale. Let me explain.

I am one of those people who need help when it comes to losing and maintaining my weight. Unfortunately I need to pay for accountability. In this case, accountability meant that I had to weigh myself and answer to my Group Leader every week. This kept me on my toes and I made really good progress with weight loss. At my last weigh in I had lost 10.4kg. This makes me very proud!

The bad thing about having to weigh every week was that I was starting to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale. This was not what I wanted. I used to beat myself up if I lost less than 400g.  I would eat something “illegal” like a piece of chocolate that I’d been craving and then do star jumps in my room so that it wouldn’t show on the scale. I stopped socialising because more often than not it would put me in a position where there was nothing suitable for me to eat and I would end up eating all sorts of pastries etc.

I do not want to be that person anymore. WL is ultimately a life-style change. I really love it and it works for me. I love that it has the perfect balance of carbs, protein, fruit, vegetables, healthy fats and eventually treats. I love that even if I should adjust my lifestyle to vegetarian or vegan, or if I fall pregnant or am breastfeeding,  then there are excellent options for me too. I love that I am never hungry and that I have the world of energy if I complete my formula and drink all my water for the day.

I listen to what other people eat on their weight loss plans and I honestly believe that my plan or rather, my lifestyle change is the better one. Their plans limit them so much and I often wonder what will happen when they decide to go off it start eating carbs or whatever?

Since I started running, my weight loss has come to a standstill. I believe that I am losing cm’s. I am not measuring myself but I can definitely feel it on my clothing. Fact is, I have not been losing grams or kilograms and this made me feel despondent.

My GL did explain that my body will go through a period of adjustment when I start exercising but that it would eventually settle down. Still, I wasn’t coping with losing 200g at a time and after chatting with my DH I felt that my obsession with the numbers on the scale was bordering on unhealthy.

This is what I have decided:

I am going to eat as well as possible during the week AND be good with the water – I am currently doing this anyway so it is really no adjustment. I menu plan (including lunches and snacks), I shop weekly for all the fresh produce and perishable foods that I need, I watch my portion sizes. This is part of my lifestyle and won’t stop.

On the weekends I am going to allow myself to eat what I want BUT I will watch my carb and fat intake – am not going to start eating junk and fried foods again.

When I am invited to a party I will try to eat something  before I leave to prevent me from overeating on food that is not good for me. I will save my carbohydrate serves in case I decide to have a glass of wine or two.

I will continue to run – I really miss it when it doesn’t happen. I will focus on becoming fit and healthy and NOT on the numbers on the scale.

I will go back to WL towards the end of September to see where I am at – I don’t currently own a scale and I am so glad I didn’t give in and buy one.

For now, my obsession with the numbers needs to be tamed. In fact, it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I have gone though a significant thought process this past weekend and I feel comfortable with this decision. I need to learn to trust myself and stop letting food and numbers control me. I need to not live to eat. I need to learn that I eat to live.

I believe that my relationship with food has matured in the last few months. Food and I have certainly come a long way. It no longer controls me. It’s no longer on my mind ALL THE TIME. I do occasionally comfort eat but am aware of this and am working on it.

I truly believe that I can do this. And I will.

 

Stories about fatigue and vitamins

I don’t know why but despite the fact that I’ve been getting into bed at a decent hour every single night, I am VERY tired these days. I can’t get up in the mornings and in the evenings I am too exhausted to do what needs to be done.

I sent my kids to bed tonight after giving them 2-minute noodles for dinner – made by my Tween because I couldn’t. My poor child felt really bad and thought I was sick so he made me a toasted cheese sandwich with a cup of tea. Such a sweetheart.

My DH is working late so I’m currently alone with them. I didn’t even have the energy to check his homework this evening and just signed it off.  I really hope it’s all fine. I’m actually writing this blog post whilst in bed – am lying on my side.

I am getting proper sleep at night. I had a bit of insomnia the past two weeks but I feel that I managed to nap enough in the afternoons to make up for this. I think that if I wasn’t exercising it would be so much worse. To be honest, I feel more than tired. I feel drained.

I’m not sure if this is just my body’s way of “objecting” about the horrible month that has just passed or what.

I was thinking that maybe I need a supplement of sorts. Or a vitamin or whatever. Ironically, my DH and I don’t take any vitamins, yet we make sure that our kids get theirs every single day.

I went to Clicks earlier and there are like a million products. I felt a wave of fatigue wash over me just looking at the various ranges on the shelves. I walked out feeling overwhelmed -so unlike me – I usually just go for something that is cost effective and seems to have ALL the vitamins included.

Any ideas on what I can take?  Do you take supplements/vitamins? If so, what are you using?

 

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life – St Francis of Assisi

 

My family and I have had a rough two weeks. My FIL got sick, had emergency surgery, started to recover and then he died. Obviously there are many questions and much soul-searching as is customary when one grieves. Oddly enough, I have so much gratitude for this past week. So many lessons. So much love.

I am grateful for the gift of life – mine, that of my family and of course the one that we were privileged to share with my FIL. I loved my FIL very, very  much. He was like my own Daddy and always told me that I was his favourite daughter. My FIL was very clear about the fact that his son had made an excellent choice. I often told him what he meant to me. There was nothing left unsaid between us or between him and my DH. We have no regrets whatsoever. I am incredibly grateful that I can say this with absolute conviction.

I am grateful for the way my FIL passed. It was beautiful and peaceful and there was so much love in the room. There was no pain. No long, drawn-out illness. No struggle. We had a week to prepare ourselves for the possibility of him passing.

I am grateful for memories – photographs, stories, laughter. So much of it.

I am grateful (in a weird sort of way) for the grieving process. It is exceptionally painful (so much so that you can’t even breathe sometimes) but it does force you to reassess where you are at in your life in terms of your relationships and a multitude of other things. It forces you to cut out the crap that is simply not worthy of your time and energy.

I am grateful for Drs. Not just any Dr. I’m talking about the kind of Dr who is passionate about his craft and his skill and his calling. The kind of Dr who wants to heal more than anything else. The kind of Dr who treats his patient with dignity and with the utmost respect – who has a superb bedside manner. The kind of Dr who is not in it for the money but for the love of it all. The kind of Dr who realises that he is merely a man and an instrument within the healing process and that he is ultimately not in control of the final outcome. The kind of Dr who recognises that sometimes families need a lot more than just the facts.

I am grateful for people who deal with death every day of their working lives. We got the most beautiful, compassionate, sensitive service ever from the morgue when we had to identify my FIL in order to have his body released. It takes a very special person to do this all the time and not become cold and lose their compassion in the process.

I am grateful (oddly enough) for food. What is it with grief and people cooking up a storm and insisting that you MUST eat this minute? I do love the comfort and familiarity of it all.

I am grateful that July of 2011 has come to an end. July has been rough and August brings with it a lot of promise and new beginnings. It also marks the last bit of winter.

I am grateful for the fact that life (with all its ebb and flow) does go on. None of us will ever be the same again and we will probably never get over this. But we will learn to live with it. Because we can and because we must and because we have absolutely no doubt that this is what he would want.

What are you grateful for this week?

 

Seven Random Updates

My FIL is stable after his emergency triple bypass surgery on Friday night. We are all cautiously optimistic and are very aware that there is a long road to recovery ahead. Honestly? I am amazed that he survived the surgery. After seeing him on Friday I didn’t think that he would make it out of theatre alive. The Dr woke him the other day and he went nuts! Pulling out pipes and everything. So they have again sedated him and he will continue to stay sedated to give him a chance to rest and heal. Thank you so much for all your kind words and prayers.

We have had the most fantastic service from Groote Schuur hospital. I honestly cannot fault them with anything (except for the fact that they don’t have the most comfortable chairs next to the beds) and I did not at any stage feel like my FIL would have been better off in a private hospital. Those Drs are amazing and committed and knowledgeable and so, so patient with us. They have no issues explaining the same thing over and over to my MIL and have told us that we can call them ANYTIME if we have questions. Love them!

My DH is not doing so well. He is not sleeping and is VERY anxious and on edge ALL THE TIME. I am trying to be as kind and as helpful to him as possible. It’s his birthday tomorrow. He turns 40. Understandably, he is not in the mood for people and so we are going out for dinner -just the two of us and the kids. We will probably do something with the rest of the family when my FIL gets discharged.

My knees were not feeling so hot yesterday and today they are feeling tender. I am going to find myself a knee Dr to sort this out. I’m not stopping with the running already! And on that note, running (as much as I curse under my breath while I am doing it) is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. In that moment it’s me and the pavement against the world. Seriously.

My bank (the green one) is annoying me a lot! I am this close // to moving my accounts. In fact, I WILL move my accounts this weekend because I won’t be giving them all my business AND be treated like crap. Sorry. Any ideas on who I should bank with? Not red and not blue. At the moment it’s a toss-up between turquoise and Cap.i.te.c

I was about to book a flight online just before I left the office today. I went to chat to the woman who does our company travel (she knows all the specials and has friends at various airlines etc). She told me not to do it online but to rather go to the Money Market kiosk at Shoprite/Checkers because it is way cheaper than doing it online. Did you know this?

Day 1 of term 3 didn’t start so well. We were exhausted and simply could not get up and I actually contemplated keeping both kids home. We got up at 07:04am and took our own sweet time. We left home at 7:57am. School starts at 8am and is close to where I work (a good 10km from home). Needless to say, I was very late for work. Today was better though.

How has your week been so far?

10 things I learnt this past week

1. Having your partner attempt to quit smoking in your pms week is not a good idea. Eish.
2. As of this point, I will no longer be living a healthy lifestyle for smaller hips. I’ll be doing it solely for my heart. She works damn hard…
3. Knitting is very therapeutic.
4. It would seem like one requires a degree to knit gloves. I’m moving on already!
5. Being a medical professional is a calling. Some medical professionals are in it for the money. Others are truly in it for love and passion. LOVE IT!
6. We are all stronger and more resilient than we think.
7. In times of trauma, community is EVERYTHING.
8. I never ever saw myself as a comfort eater but I notice that I do eat like a pig when I am distressed or anxious. This must stop.
9. Sometimes the less you know, the better. Google can sometimes be a very bad thing and can actually drive you over the edge.
10. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Therefore, love and appreciate those close to you – you just never know what tomorrow holds.

What have you learnt this past week?

A trying week in 2011

I am just about eating myself into a frenzy after having had the most trying week in 2011. Let me summarise:

Monday:

I get sick.

Tuesday:

I am still sick and my DH and I are fighting over the most ridiculous things. ALL THE TIME.

Wednesday:

We continue with our ridiculous fight. It’s all me. Really.

Thursday:

We are BFF’s again. I can’t stop crying because UNISA registration is closing the next day i.e. Friday and it didn’t work out because again, I was depending on stuff beyond my control to fall into place to make this happen.  I wanted this so badly. My parents were away (in a place where there was hardly reception) and there was no one else who could help me with “bridging finance” until such time as the stuff beyond my control came through. After dinner we received  a call from my MIL to say that my FIL looked a bit sick and that she’d called an ambulance. My FIL was admitted to Victoria Hospital just for observation because they were a bit puzzled by his symptoms which weren’t making any sense. My DH and MIL come home.

Friday:

We were busy loading the bags in the car and I mentioned to my DH that perhaps I should quickly call the hospital just to see if he had a good night. I called and the Dr told me that my FIL’s condition deteriorated during the night and that he’s had a massive heart attack. They had to resuscitate him more than once and that at that moment, he was in the ambulance being transferred to Groote Schuur. My DH then fetched his Mom and after dropping me and the kids, they headed through. My DH then called to tell me that his Dad was very sick and that I must try to get hold of a priest ASAP. I did this and then decided to leave work and go through to the hospital which is not far from my workplace.  I stayed there and watched a man being resuscitated (it’s just like on TV with those things that they put on your chest to shock you – VERY traumatic to watch), another man (my DH) doing his best not to fall apart, my MIL becoming disorientated and eventually I had to field phone calls from family. In between all of this I knitted up a storm. It was the only thing keeping me sane.  The Dr told us that we could call people to come and say goodbye as it really didn’t look good for him.

All that I could think of was the fact that my Toddlers BFF was busy dying and that I didn’t even have any recent pics of them together. Eventually after Angiograms and other procedures the Drs decided that he needed an emergency bypass operation. They warned us that it was a risky operation (which could go either way) and that they have never had to deal with so much damage before, but that it would be even more risky to do nothing. They then told us to go home and wait. Which we did.  I phoned the hospital at 1am and they confirmed that the procedure went off smoothly without complications. My DH and I didn’t sleep all night. We literally walked around the house. And swept floors. And mopped. We both had a headache. We took medication. We couldn’t sleep.

Saturday:

I am so, so exhausted. I can’t even move and see to my kids who are just so LOUD!  After breakfast my DH and his Mom go through to the hospital. My FIL is still sedated and the Drs chat to them about the way forward.  My DH feels better. He says that his Dad is stable and that his breathing and heart beat is regular and that he actually has some colour in his cheeks.

The Dr’s feel OK about where they are at and told him that they would wake my FIL tomorrow morning.  They tell my DH that they have never, ever worked on so much damaged artery and that he would probably have been dead if he was a smoker or unfit. In fact, according to them they have no idea how he is still alive.

So now we wait and are cautiously optimistic. All that we can do is to continue to hope and pray because this situation is out of our hands.

Earlier this evening I sent out this tweet:

@julia_zaJulia

Gosh, I just can’t stop eating! It’s like I have a hole in my tummy…

I got this response:

hanlie Hanlie

@

@julia_za What are you really hungry for? Reassurance, sleep, water, affection, peace of mind, me-time, spirituality? What are you lacking?

And this is my answer: I am hungry for sleep, peace of mind, and reassurance. I hope it comes soon. PLEASE GOD.