Yesterday I cried.

I went to a school social/meet the teacher session for Child2 and parents were talking casually about their kids. The normalness of it all was just too much.  So I cried.

I spoke to my sons teacher who clearly loves him so, so much. I was very moved by her beautiful, kind, encouraging words about him. And so I cried.

I looked at my sons drawings. I looked at the average 4year olds drawings. The gap is so very wide and all that I could see was how much catching up he still needed to do. I was overwhelmed. So I cried.

I really needed my DH to be with me at that moment but he was at home doing homework and maintaining the routine for our kids. So I cried. Alone.

I seem to  have become one of those Mothers that I swore I would never become. The Mother who compares her kid with others. The Mother who feels almost embarrassed that her kid has problems. The Mother who can’t stop internalizing it and making it all about how she feels. The Mother who is unable to cope with the fact that she can’t fix this. So I cried.

While driving home I felt so very alone. So I cried.

When I opened the door to my home at 20:30pm, someone had gotten out of his bed and was running to the door to greet me. HE was THRILLED to see me and jumped into my arms and just laughed like he was being tickled! So I laughed and cried at the same time.

All that he wanted to do was snuggle with me. I sat on the couch and watched mindless TV while he slept in my arms. I inhaled his beautiful fresh smell. I stroked his head.  I memorised every little divine feature of his. While he laid in my arms I prayed for him. And I cried.

I cried because I love him so very much that it hurts. And I realised that he is depending on me to hold his hand while I can barely keep it together.

Yesterday.

I cried.

And today. I could not engage with anyone. Because I am numb.

Dealing with anxiety

Thank you for all your beautiful comments on my previous post. I took something for my tummy and am feeling sooooo much better. I am taking it easy for the next two days (no schedules or timetables or knitting or ANYTHING – in fact I spent last night watching really mindless TV) and then I will reassess where I’m at. I did go and exercise yesterday and it was HARD but I feel somewhat more normal.

I haven’t forgotten about the follow-up to that shouting post. I’ve finished writing it and am tweaking it a bit and I will publish it tomorrow.

I just really need to talk about about a different issue quickly.

There is a person in my life who is overwhelmed by anxiety.

This person (I don’t want to say who it is but I’m sure that you can figure that out) has had an exceptionally tough year.

The person in question has recently lost a parent and is under tremendous stress in the workplace.  He works A LOT of hours for a rubbish employer who literally expects 300% from his staff  and wants to return the favour with 20%.  No wonder he has such a VERY HIGH staff turnover.

The persons anxiety is becoming crippling and we are slowly getting to the point where he is unable to cope.  There are even panic attacks being thrown in for  good measure. The other day I had to make the person pull over in the traffic so I could drive. We witnessed an accident – thankfully nothing major,  and he literally froze  and couldn’t remember what to do.

I have talked to the person about seeing someone but he is not ready (or rather, he is not comfortable) with that. I don’t think that men are into that  whole “seeing someone to talk about their feelings” business. I then asked the person to go to our GP  to get booked off sick for a couple of days. I do believe that a big part of the problem is this persons levels of fatigue. I believe that he needs to be home for a few days. Just to rest and not do or think about anything else. I think that he needs a time-out of sorts.  When I mentioned this to him he panicked. He told me that he cannot deal with the fallout that will inevitably take place at work if he takes off sick.

I asked the person to come and run with me at the crack of dawn on a Saturday and a Sunday morning. I told him that it would do him the world of good and that it’s a start. I told him that we don’t even have to run, we can either do brisk walking or we can do walk-run, walk-run. He is not sure. Well. Not yet. The person even struggles to make a basic decision like this.

The person keeps thinking that he is going to die any minute now. He has practically been OD’ing on Rescue which no longer seems to do anything.

The person is not that keen on medicating (his reasons for this are completely valid and I do understand them but I wish that he would at least TRY) so I am kind of at a loss as to the way forward. I know that I can convince him but ultimately he needs to make the decision and go forward with it.

I do suffer from mild anxiety as well (though I never used to get panic attacks – mostly knots-in-my-tummy stuff) so I know that it is a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE place to be. Fortunately my AD medication manages this for me so I am very lucky to not have that anxiety be a part of my life any longer. In very extreme circumstances I may take some Rescue Remedy.

If you are someone who struggles with anxiety or if you know someone who struggles with it then what would you suggest?

How does one deal with this? How does one deal with someone who is afraid  to go for help/won’t medicate/ is crippled to the point that they don’t know where to start dealing with this?

And why are some people more prone to this kind of stuff than others?

I feel really sad for this person as he has truly had the most horrible 2011.

The person that I’m referring to knows about this blog and chooses not to read it. Having said that, I do think that I will take this post down within the next day or so.

The Grief

She comes in waves.  She has a friend called Depression who makes it easy for her.  They fight one another all the time. Depression is under control. These days, Grief is the winner. Some days the wave is huge and envelopes your every being.

You can’t breathe.

You can’t move.

You can’t speak.

You are almost paralyzed.

And yet. You fight it even though you know that you probably shouldn’t. After all, life does go on. Bills still need to be paid. The house still needs cleaning. We still need to eat. There are still school projects and homework to supervise. Routine is a relief. It helps to maintain your  sanity.

So you grieve in those silent moments. You are aware that it is part of the process. You fight the silence. It’s too painful. And all the time you are aware that fighting it is not exactly solving the problem.

Then you have other days when you are happy to be alive and you are aware of every single breath in and out and in and out. And you find it so easy to see just how blessed you are and how much love you have in your life. You laugh all the time.  You are aware of your senses and savour and enjoy every single taste and smell and sound. You drink in the beauty around you and you want to use every single muscle in your body. You want to be close to the one you love. You crave both emotional and physical intimacy and you are so, so grateful to have this. And you realize that you really need to savour it all because who knows when it might be the end?

Up and down. Ebb and Flow. Up and down. Back and Forth. Up and down. Roller coaster. Up and down. Wave.

I end this piece with a quote from Greys Anatomy’s Meredith which sums today up for me:

“Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”

This and that – bullet points on a Monday

• My DH had a difficult day today. Based on this, I decided that going away this weekend would probably not be a good idea. I know that my DH would have been OK with it – he was very clear about it, but I suspect that he will need me a lot this weekend. I am obviously bummed and very, very disappointed but unfortunately this is just the way things worked out.  I wish it weren’t so.
• I went with my DH today to make arrangements to have my FIL’s body released from the mortuary after an autopsy had been completed. This required us having to first identify the body. I was a bit anxious about this (I am creeped out by dead people – even if I knew them) but it was OK.  Almost healing in a way. The staff was fantastic and so, so compassionate.  It’s not like in the movies where they slide the body out of a fridge.  It’s actually very humane and done with much sensitivity in mind. I think that it takes a special kind of person to work with death every single day of their lives.
• I am feeling a bit stuck and exceptionally frustrated. Absolutely NOTHING that I had planned for this month worked out. I really just need July to get done already.  July is usually my FAVOURITE month but this particular July of 2011 has been the worst one of my life!
• It would seem that one requires a degree to read a knitting pattern. I honestly don’t know why every single thing needs to be abbreviated. I am googling abbreviations and stitches ALL THE TIME. Either no one keeps the beginner in mind or I am just looking in all the wrong places.
• After eating like a pig last week I seem to have lost my appetite. Probably not a good thing but I am not going to force myself to eat.

That’s where I am at for today. Sorry for this glum post. I am really not feeling it today and I am trying my utmost to pull myself towards myself.

Have a great week.

xx

Being buried vs being cremated

Thank you so much for your kind words and messages of support and emails during what is a very trying time for my family. I am reading them all, just haven’t been able to reply to any of them yet.  We are coping and are currently busy with arrangements which does help a lot.

Some months ago I wrote this post where I indicated that I would prefer cremation but that if it would make my family feel better, then they are welcome to bury me. My conditions for burial are that my grave needs to be maintained and tidied up regularly (at least every fortnight) because even though it is just my rotting body under the ground, the idea of being in an unkempt grave just feels so wrong and very disrespectful to me. My DH has always been clear about the fact that he wants to be cremated so I guess he will cremate me if I should go before him.

Yesterday we had a family meeting to discuss funeral arrangements. The discussion was rather intense. My DH doesn’t like the idea of burying his Dad in a public grave (he finds it gross and in bad taste and disrespectful to his Dad) and my MIL doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of cremation. My FIL told my DH that he would want to be cremated but he neglected to mention this to my MIL.

I did not get involved in the discussion (best decision ever) but I did feel that my MIL was making decisions emotionally (to be expected I guess) and based on ignorance. I am not sure if this is possibly a generation-type issue. My DH eventually gave up (after I gave him “the look”) and told her that the decision is ultimately hers to make so he will go with whatever she decides.

At this stage it looks like the funeral will be on Thursday or Friday morning. An autopsy will be performed on him either tomorrow or Tuesday, so we can only make a final decision once we have a better idea of when my FIL’s body will be released.

What are your thoughts on burial vs cremation? Which would you prefer? Have you clearly indicated this to your spouse/partner?

Do you have something like this written up? I know that it is morbid but if you haven’t written up something similar, PLEASE do so. Please be clear on what your wishes are should your time come. It does make it easier for the remaining family members.

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. ~Jewish Proverb

I am a crier of note. It takes very little to set me off. Movies, adverts, books, series, actual real-life events…you name it – I will cry if I need to.  I would say that the older I get the worse it becomes, though I am OK with it and I have accepted that this is part and parcel of who I am.

I am extremely private about my tears and I can’t really let my guard down in that way if I don’t completely trust someone. I would rather go and shed some tears in the bathroom or something. The only people I seriously cry in front of are my DH and my parents. Occasionally I will shed a few tears in front of strangers (like the other day in the post office when I opened a gift that I received) but this really is the exception and not the norm.

My sons have seen me cry. I try not to let it happen as I don’t really like them to see that side of me. On the other hand I do think that it is important for them to learn that  sometimes Mommies and other adults can also feel sad about things. They are both very, very sweet and so concerned when it happens which is very rarely btw…

Except for when it is one of my children, I am not very good when people cry around me. I literally freeze. I feel almost inadequate and I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing. I am at the point where I just listen and give the emotional person a chance to talk and I will hug them or whatever and not say anything. I don’t really know if this is the right thing to do but I honestly don’t know what to say sometimes.

This week I had four people cry around me. The first was my friend who called me in tears because she was frustrated about something in her life. The second was a colleague who recently lost her Dad – she was in tears while telling me how she didn’t know how to console her own Mother during this horrible thing that her family had experienced. The third was a colleague who lost her Mom just over a year ago. She started talking to me about a dream that she had about her Mommy and how she missed her so much on Mothers Day and she just fell apart. Today it was our office cleaner. Her Mom had a stroke this past Sunday and a brain haemorrhage – she is in a coma and things really don’t look good for her. I went to speak to her as soon as I arrived at work (she wasn’t at work all week) and before I even started talking she grabbed me and wept. I allowed her to weep but felt kind of lame because what on earth does one say at a time like this?

I was quite emotional this past week. Someone I know in the computer lost her one year old son to meningitis and every time I allowed myself to think about it my eyes filled with tears for her and her heartbreaking loss.

When was the last time you cried? Are you a big crier?  Are you the person that people feel safe enough to cry with? How do you handle this?

I really want to find a way to deal with this because it seems to be happening more and more. Instead of just freezing I want to know what to say and do. Many people say that you should say or do what you would want said or done. This advice doesn’t work so well for me because I actually prefer people to leave me alone when I am emotional. So. What exactly is the right response?

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran