The control-freakiness does my head in!

I am a control freak of sorts -  I believe that we all are part control freak.

We all have things that we are particular about, things that we like done in a specific way.  I think that this is fine.  It’s normal. It’s OK. I can live with this as part of who I am and I can accept others who are like this.

However, you get control freaks and then you get CONTROL FREAKS. The one in capitals is the one that I can’t cope with. That’s the one who makes me want to run a mile.

That’s the one who causes my anxiety to spiral out of control.

That’s the one who practically harasses me to do things JUST SO.

That’s the one who doesn’t trust me to just get on with it.

That’s the one who can’t trust me to use my brain in situations that are unpredictable.

That’s the one who can’t trust me to use my judgement when I need to think quickly.

That’s the one who things will NEVER be good enough for.

That’s the one who is an EXTREME control freak.

I work with a person like that. It’s VERY unpleasant.

This person makes me doubt myself ALL THE TIME and in the process I lose confidence in my abilities.

I see a phone call from this person and I feel my heart beating out of my chest.

I see an email from this person and I have to take a few deep breaths and say a quick prayer before I open it.

I see this person walks towards me and I start to feel my stomach turn.

Perhaps I need to treat the person in a specific way? I believe that I am extremely accommodating towards ALL personalities. This particular personality I just cannot cope with.  It is making me physically sick. I am not lazy and produce more than the required output. I make a serious effort to understand people. How they operate. Why the operate the way they do. Where their issues are really stemming from. Right now I am done doing this. Well, for this person anyway.

All I know is that this particular relationship doesn’t work for me and that I need to respect myself enough to walk away from it. I just wish it was as easy as that.

Are you an EXTREME control freak? Do you have an EXTREME control freak in your life?

How does one deal with the person who has a PhD in control-freakery as opposed to general person who possibly has a B-degree in it?

Today

…..I had a fight with Child2. About clothing. We usually fight about that hoodie that he wants to wear everyday.

Well this morning he insisted on wearing the BLUE boxer shorts. The same pair that he wore yesterday. He even went to retrieve them out of the dirty laundry. I gave him a different blue one to wear. HE wasn’t interested because the one I gave him doesn’t  have a picture on the front.  I am generally quite relaxed about stuff like this (goodness me,
I allow him to wear that same hoodie every single day) but I was NOT going to give in and allow him to wear dirty boxers.  I dressed him while he kicked and pinched and bit and scratched  and and and.  Then I walked away because I didn’t want to lose my nuts – really, I was ready to pinch him and bite him back!

Then he followed me and  cried for nail polish. I told him that there was no time for that and that we could do our nails after school. Of course that wasn’t good enough. He cried all the way to school and gave me a headache. I put the music LOUD. He cried even LOUDER. When we arrived at school he ran straight to Sheila. Apparently I am the bad guy now.

Gosh, he has such a hard life, his Mommy even MAKES him wear clean underwear.  Poor kid.

So. To make myself feel a bit better, I went out and bought nail polish. Yellow nail polish from Rimmel called 280 sunshine. My DH asked me this evening if I’m trying to get in touch with my inner canary. I told him I’m trying to find my inner sunshine.

I also paid some bills. No, this did not make me feel better because I now have no more cash left until pay-day. Sigh. Thank goodness it’s temporary.

I collected something FABULOUS at the Post Office. Don’t you just love when a fellow blogger and beautiful friend spoils you and your kids?

I went to Pep and bought another 6 of those blue boxers with the picture on it. I do NOT want a repeat of this morning ever again.

And I made a few lists. A shopping list (am going to attempt to make Red Curry this weekend – have you made it before? Do you have a nice, easy recipe?), a to-do list for the month of October (I’ve posted it a bit further down), a Christmas gift list and another list of things I still need to do before the end of 2012.

This is what I’m planning for myself for this month:

Read one NF  and one other book. I put Millenium Trilogy on the back burner for now – will start it next month. Am going to read a Dorothy Koomsom instead.

Buy yellow paint for the lounge.

Dump couches.

Book holiday.

Blog about ADD/ADHD for 31 days starting just now.

Three dates with DH.

Two friend dates.

Change curtains.

New summer uniform for Child1.

Make sure that Child2 has enough clothing for summer and if not make some more lists and go and put some stuff aside at Edgars for my Mother to buy. She offered to buy him summer clothing. Isn’t she divine?

Clean desk and re-organise craft supplies and knitting stuff (wool and needles.)

Dump A LOT of thin clothing  – I am probably never going to be a size 10 again – may as well move on already.

Go and see dressmaker about work pants and a possible outfit for a wedding in December.

Crochet. One granny square doing the single stitch and another granny square doing the treble stitch.

Do you have anything interesting on your to-do list for this month?

So after dinner we pd nails. HE chose the 280 sunshine (new one that I bought today) AND a black and we had to alternate the colours on each nail. He’s now sporting a Maya the Bee look on both his toe nails and his fingernails.  He’s very proud of his paint, even though my DH is quite unimpressed with me for giving in to “this nail polish nonsense.” I told him that it’s only nail polish and not a bra already! Sigh.

Anyway, this was my  Wednesday. What’s happening in your life today?

Shutdown vs surrender

I don’t quite know how to explain this thing that my DH and I are going through.

An odd patch? A funk? A bit of weirdness?

We are not fighting like cat and dog.  He is fighting with me. I have shut down because the words that I am hearing are not affirming me in any way. My words come out all pathetic and whine-like.

Eventually we both become quiet. There is distance.

It’s as if we are both working through stuff. Not together. Individually.

He is busy. With stuff for everyone else. I am waiting for him to be less busy.

I am a quality time  and words of affirmation kind of girl.

I ain’t getting no QT and WOA.

We are both tired.

We do talk about the stuff in our lives that affect us negatively: Money. Kids. Grief. Kids. Depression. Kids. Work frustrations. Kids. The constantly messy house. Kids.

And we promise to try a bit harder.

Then it’s back to square one a few days later.

I always say that the way one deals with adversity as a couple can either make or break your relationship. And I think that we’ve done exceptionally well with the horrible cards that we’ve been dealt these past few years.

But I have to wonder if there comes a point where couples just get tired of trying to survive. IS there a point where the adversity just becomes TOO MUCH? Is there a point where living in survival mode just causes an automatic shut-down?

They say that what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I’m not feeling this today.

Because in my world, what doesn’t kill you has the ability to make you a shadow of who you used to be.

In my world, what doesn’t kill you can cause damage in other areas of your life.

In my world, what doesn’t kill you can leave you feeling depressed and despondent and inadequate.

In my world, what doesn’t kill eventually has the power to limit your words. And your spirit. And your tenacity. And your will to go on.

Can you tell how much I hate that platitude?

Can you tell how very tired I feel today?

AT what point do you shut down? Do you even get to that point? Am I possibly confusing shut-down with surrender? And how do I get my words to sound less whine-like? Ugh. I really don’t like the sound of my voice sometimes.

Instant Gratification. I have it.

…and it  causes MANY problems and MUCH anxiety in my life.

This is why I struggle with things like natural medications and therapies that don’t produce instant results.

This is why I can’t seem to get my house in order.

Or my finances.

Or my career.

This is why I struggle within certain relationships.

Instant gratification can make me a VERY complex individual.  I actually think I may need therapy (do you know how BIG it is for me to even admit that I may need some therapy? – I don’t like talking to strangers about my not-so-nice traits) because at this stage in my life I should surely have some coping mechanisms in place? Gosh. How is it that I am STILL struggling with this? Should I not have grown into it or something by now?

Now I know that we all have degrees of instant gratification and now now now stuff happening in our brains.

I promise you, where you have the B-degree in Instant Gratification I have the PhD. THAT’s how bad it is with me. I am all about simpler, better, faster, MORE. NOW. THIS INSTANT. IMMEDIATELY.

I am currently in a few situations that require me to wait it out. To stop. To think. To be patient. To listen. To learn. To hang in there. To focus on the bigger picture.

I am BATTLING. I feel like I’m being asked to walk on upright nails or something.

And quite frankly, I don’t like this part of myself. AT ALL.

Child1 is VERY instant gratification. I had always assumed that it was related to his ADHD and it is. The fact that I’m not a very good example to him where this is concerned makes it soooo much worse.

So I basically have to teach myself how to delay gratification AND I need to help him to work on his instant gratification issues.

But where to start? How does one even begin to learn delayed gratification?

Gosh. I am just so annoyed with myself right now.

And btw…I don’t come from a home where instant gratification was tolerated. It drove me NUTS!

This and that – bullet points on a Monday

• My DH had a difficult day today. Based on this, I decided that going away this weekend would probably not be a good idea. I know that my DH would have been OK with it – he was very clear about it, but I suspect that he will need me a lot this weekend. I am obviously bummed and very, very disappointed but unfortunately this is just the way things worked out.  I wish it weren’t so.
• I went with my DH today to make arrangements to have my FIL’s body released from the mortuary after an autopsy had been completed. This required us having to first identify the body. I was a bit anxious about this (I am creeped out by dead people – even if I knew them) but it was OK.  Almost healing in a way. The staff was fantastic and so, so compassionate.  It’s not like in the movies where they slide the body out of a fridge.  It’s actually very humane and done with much sensitivity in mind. I think that it takes a special kind of person to work with death every single day of their lives.
• I am feeling a bit stuck and exceptionally frustrated. Absolutely NOTHING that I had planned for this month worked out. I really just need July to get done already.  July is usually my FAVOURITE month but this particular July of 2011 has been the worst one of my life!
• It would seem that one requires a degree to read a knitting pattern. I honestly don’t know why every single thing needs to be abbreviated. I am googling abbreviations and stitches ALL THE TIME. Either no one keeps the beginner in mind or I am just looking in all the wrong places.
• After eating like a pig last week I seem to have lost my appetite. Probably not a good thing but I am not going to force myself to eat.

That’s where I am at for today. Sorry for this glum post. I am really not feeling it today and I am trying my utmost to pull myself towards myself.

Have a great week.

xx

Change of plans?

I may have mentioned that I am in the market for alternative employment and I have been thinking a lot about what would work for me in a different job i.e. what is currently making me unhappy and what is simply not working for me in my current job.

I realised something today:

I do not want to work in corporate any more.

Fact is, I don’t play the games well.

I don’t do the gossip well.

I don’t do the backstabbing well. It is simply NOT who I am and I am tired of getting caught up in peoples games.

I am tired of being put into situations where I must choose sides.

I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of ugliness.

I am tired of egos.

I am tired of playground-type politics.

I am tired of being surrounded by two-faced nasties who seem to thrive on this crap. It’s quite hard work and so tiring to pretend to not see what is really going on.

People are constantly trying to insist that I go into some form of alliance with them  – I honestly had no idea I was that powerful. It’s like I have to be the deciding vote every single time. It almost feels like I am on a Survivor show sometimes. Today two of my bosses (there is some kind of rivalry between them – I pretend not to notice) were fighting and the one was actually trying to use me to undermine the other one. I walked out of that office and I told him that it was very obvious what he was doing and that I don’t play that game. I told him (very nicely) that I am way too grown-up for that.

Yes, there are many benefits to working in a corporate-type environment. We get decent coffee, unlimited internet access, lots of flexibility, nice stationery, plenty of parties etc. etc. etc.

But is this really all worth it if I am being expected at times to sell my soul for other peoples agendas?  I DON’T think so.

I have no idea where to from here (I obviously need to go back to the drawing board so-to-speak) but I DO know that I am NOT going to work in no corporate-type environment.

I am SO done with this. It simply doesn’t work for me or serve my needs. And actually, I am worthy of so much more.

Sunday Bloody Sunday (well, not quite…)

My Sunday started out really beautifully. Thanks to my fabulous DH I managed to have a lie-in and stayed in bed until my Tween brought me my breakfast. After that I took a leisurely bath and we all went to Church. We arrived back home and my DH made lunch for us while I tidied up (had the most divine roti and lamb curry which I had craved for weeks!) and then I went to visit my friend for milk tart and tea.

I really enjoyed spending time with my friend after such a long time but as I was about to leave (about 2 hours later) I realised that I didn’t have my keys in my bag.

I went to the car and saw it dangling in the ignition. I called my DH to come around to open the car but he battled. He was obviously VERY unimpressed with me because I was meant to have a spare set of keys made and I never ever got around to it. I googled and called a locksmith in the area who wanted to charge me R750!

I told him that it’s fine and that I would rather break the window. I cannot believe that it would have cost me less to break and replace my window than to have a locksmith open my door!

Eish. I was frazzled. Eventually after nearly 2 hours of struggle my DH managed to open it. What a relief!

So, in a nutshell, that was my Sunday. Started well, went slightly pear-shaped but eventually ended on a good note.

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I saw this floating around on the blogs  today and thought that I would give it a bash.

Favourite song - Too many to mention. At the moment I am loving all the songs on my new Adele 21  CD.

Favourite Shop – Woolworths. Exclusive Books. Musica. The Body Shop.

Favourite chocolate - Lindt

Favourite cookies -  Anything from Woollies.

Favourite food – I always enjoy eating fish.

Favourite meal that I make – Mmmmm…I love making a veggie stir fry.

Favourite flower – I am slightly allergic to flowers but I simply LOVE Tulips. Orange ones.

Favourite colour to wear – Red. Blue. White. Black. Green.

Favourite shoes – Boots. One of the reasons why I am thrilled that it is Winter now.

Favourite drink – Water with a slice of lemon.  Red Wine. Malibu with lemonade and lots of ice.

Favourite lens – The one on my point and shoot camera as well as the ones I must have to be able to see.

Favourite place to walk the dogs – I don’t have dogs but I love walking on the beach.

Favourite place to take the kids – Rondevlei Bird Sanctuary. Just up the road and dirt cheap to enter. Their website (www.rondevlei.co.za)  seems to be broken and that was the best link that I could find.

Favourite coffee for every day at home - Nescafe or Jacobs Gold

Favourite coffee shop – Not sure. Probably the Mugg and Bean.

Favourite pizza place – Borruso’s  or Davincis on Kloof

Favourite places to take photos – Beach.

Favourite place for holidays – Beach. Specifically up the West Coast

Favourite yoghurt – Fat Free Gero.  Any flavour is fine.

Favourite man – I have 3. DH and my 2 sons.

Favourite website – Twitter. I also love Health and Medical Websites and I love all the blogs that I frequent.

Favourite TV programme - Don’t do much TV but at the moment I am quite enjoying Gossip Girl.

I struggled to fix the font in this post and I am just way too tired to fiddle any more  now. Sorry.

I hope you have a wonderful four-day week. Don’t forget to vote on Wednesday!