Extrovert/Introvert

I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert.

I like people a lot and genuinely enjoy socialising. I get my energy in this way – though I do have a preference for smaller, more intimate socials as opposed to really big ones.

However, I need downtime. In fact, I need significant amounts of downtime to recover from people. Downtime for me = being home, being quiet, taking a nap, reading a book, vegging in front of the TV, lying in the sun etc. It is for this reason that I will only ever plan one social on a weekend and if I can’t get out of having just one, then I will make sure to schedule AT LEAST 2 hours of quiet time somewhere.

If I don’t have enough down time then I become frazzled and start to feel overwhelmed. I start to become tired and irritable. And it feels like I’m out of sync in a way.

My DH is exactly the same – thank goodness.  In fact, he needs A LOT more downtime than me. This is one of the reasons why we will never go on holiday with other people – even for a weekend. Because if we want time-out then we want time-out. It’s a bit rude to take a time out when you are WITH people. Btw..we did try once to go on holiday with another couple and their child.  We had a great time but after that long weekend, we needed another long weekend holiday to recover!

I do find that introverts get a lot of flack which really is so unnecessary. Fact is, they really just have different needs. They DO have strengths – GOOD strengths, but these strengths are often overlooked because they are not loud and bouncing off the walls.  It’s kind of sad, really.  It’s not wrong to be introverted, it’s just different.  Don’t know why so many people (i.e. those who are not introverts) struggle with this so much.

Child1 is DEFINITELY extroverted. People love this. He NEEDS to have very regular contact with people. He is loud and talks all the time.  Child2 is the opposite. He loves being alone and can entertain himself for hours. He talks when he feels like it and can easily go for days without saying a word.

Child2 enjoys being out and about but he doesn’t necessarily need people when he’s out and about. He’s really at his happiest when he has his Mommy and his Daddy and his Brother around.  His favourite thing to do is just to go for a drive. Even just to buy bread at the cafe.  He REALLY doesn’t need people. I find that many people (in my family especially) struggle with this which I guess can be an adjustment if you are used to a Child1.  It really has never been an issue to my DH and I.

I have an extroverted friend who is BATTLING at the moment. She’s just moved home after being abroad for 10 years and has no job yet so  is also out of routine which complicates things even more. She stays with her sister who is a homebody.

This is the story of her life on an average day:

Friend’s sister goes to work during the day.

Friend is home alone during the day. No people contact except for BBM and online friends. ALL DAY.  Friend has tried to reach out to all her old friends but is battling. Everyone has changed and moved on – it has been 10 years already! No one is going out of their way for her or anything.

Friend’s sister comes home from work and wants to relax in front of the TV after dinner or maybe read her book or whatever. Friend’s sister essentially needs for her brain to go quiet and settle and she has her little routines to make this happen.

Friend (by now) is STARVED for conversation with real people by the time her sister comes home and literally bounces off the walls. Also, Friend wants to go out. To a restaurant, for a walk, to the beach.  ANYTHING really. Friend really just wants to get out of the house. Can’t stop talking. Makes plans.

Friend’s sister feels overwhelmed and shuts down.  They clash.

Friend can’t cope. Wants to go back overseas.

Fortunately Julia is the best person for Friend to talk to about the Friendship stuff (remember she’s been on her own friendship trip this year) but Julia simply has no answers about how she can manage her extroverted nature to avoid her poor sister going nuts!

Any ideas? What advice would you have for my friend wrt the extrovert/introvert issue?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

If you are an extrovert, how do you keep it in check if you need to?

In fact, if you are extroverted, how do you cope with introverts, especially if you are forced to spend a lot of time with them?

 

Friendship Friday: Handle with Care – at what point would you sacrifice a friendship?

So I recently finished reading Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult. I am not sure if you are familiar with Jodi’s style of writing but she tends to explore very real issues where you wonder what you would have done. Nothing is ever black and white in her storylines and there are always AT LEAST a 100 or so shades of grey. She is one of the few authors who has the ability to force me out of my comfort zone and to confront prejudices that I didn’t even realise were present

Anyway, so Handle With Care (here’s a quick review) has the theme of “broken” running through it. Broken bones, broken friendships, broken marriages, broken hearts.

The story essentially revolves around a beautiful, wise little girl called Willow who has a disease called Osteogenesis Imperfection  or OI (here’s a link) which is a form of brittle bones disease. It basically means that you can break a rib if you sneeze or cough or you can break your baby’s arm if you pick her up (even gently) or if you sit too suddenly you can break your legs.

Anyway, at some point in the book Willow’s mother (Charlotte) decides to sue her Obgyn (Piper) for wrongful birth. What complicates matters is that the Obgyn happens to be her very best friend AND she needs to say in a court that if she had known about Willow’s disability while she was in utero, then she would have had an abortion.

Sjoe. Can you say complex? Can you say emotional? Can you say “what on earth would I have done in that situation?”

Now as a Mom to kids who need a bit more I can’t (and won’t) judge Charlotte or ANY parent in that position but then again, my context is different. I AM actually living with kids who currently DO need a bit more and will probably CONTINUE to need more than the average kid in the future.  I completely get where she comes from and WHY she felt that she was doing the right thing. Her sole focus was her child’s future as a disabled adult and I know that as an advocate to my kids I also lose perspective sometimes. Really, I get that.

The dynamics of the friendship between Charlotte and her BFF (Piper)  FASCINATED me throughout this story. They really were the best of friends and had a beautiful, shared history together. They were literally in one another’s lives and one would NEVER have thought that things could turn out the way that they did. Charlotte was brutal and literally pulled the rug from under her friend. She completely blindsided Piper  and I honestly felt sorry her friend, in fact I felt sad for both of them and for the death of their friendship.

Having said all this, I wondered what I would have done if I was in a similar situation.

Would I have sacrificed a friendship for what I perceived to be “the greater good?”

Would the means justify the end result if I had the best interests of my kids at heart? Would the means justify the end if I had to hurt people in the process?

Would I sacrifice a friendship in the interests of my kids?

Would I sacrifice a friendship despite there being a history of beautiful, shared intimacy?

The truth?

After thinking long and hard about it (THIS is why I love Jodi Picoult – she makes me think DEEP) I ABSOLUTELY would.

Because ultimately, no matter how much I LOVE my friends (and I DO love them A LOT) I love my kids more – they are my first priority.

I am FIRST a Wife and then a Mother and only THEN a friend.

At what point would you sacrifice a friendship? Have you ever been in a situation where you had to (painfully) sacrifice a friendship for the sake of your spouse or one of your kids?

Have you read this book? IF not, please read it and then talk to me about it? And if you have read it, what are your thoughts on the friendship dynamic and the way the friendship (irretrievably) broke down?

Friendship Friday: Girls vs Boys

 

A few weeks ago I blogged about TV friendships, specifically the Meredith/Christina friendship, and in that post, I raised some questions about whether this type of friendship was realistic because really, even though I desire a friendship like that I have NEVER seen something even remotely similar in my life.

Laura  commented that she had seen 2 examples in her life of this type of friendship. BUT. They were friendships between guys.

Her comment sparked a thought process for me and I started to wonder if perhaps boys are better at friendship than girls.

Now I’ll be honest.  There are some things that I LOVE about guy friendships (I’m talking specifically guy and guy friendships and not guy and girl friendships – that’s actually another blog post) and there are some things that I don’t particularly like about them. Maybe that’s a bit harsh so perhaps I should say that there are some things within guy friendships that I wouldn’t be OK with.

I have thought long and hard about the real differences (that I have noticed) between male friendships and female friendships. This is what I came up with:

BOYS:

They have no drama in their friendships – possibly because they don’t share their deepest secrets. There is minimal emotional intimacy and they are simply not interested in the details.  I often think that men talk AT one another rather than TO one another. The other day my DH visited an old friend of his. He came home and told me that his friend M and his wife V had a baby a couple of days prior to that.  So I asked about the baby. This was the conversation:

DH: M was about to start renovating his house but now that there is a small baby they are going to wait a bit. V  says she’s not going to have strange people making dust and noise in her house while she’s on maternity leave trying to catch up on sleep during the day with the baby.

Me: A baby? When?

DH: Last week.

Me: Well, is it a boy or a girl?

DH: I forgot to ask.

Me: Did you see the baby?

DH: Yes. “ It” was sleeping in the car seat.

Me: So did it look like a boy or a girl?

DH: I don’t know. It looked like a baby.

Me: Well, what is the baby’s name?

DH: I don’t know, it never came up!

Me: So I guess if you didn’t ask for the baby’s name in order to at least GUESS the gender then you wouldn’t know WHERE V had her baby or what it weighed or anything? Because really, I would love to get something small for the baby and send them a card but I’m going to feel rather stupid if I say “congrats on the birth of “IT”.

DH: You would be guessing correctly. I’m sure they wouldn’t have a problem if you didn’t get anything. They have loads of stuff for the baby. I saw a lot of flowers and gift bags in their lounge.

ME: So what colour were the gift bags? Was there a lot of pink and flowery heart stuff? Because that may mean that they have a girl?

DH: I don’t know.

Me: So what did you and M speak about if the baby’s details never came up in any conversation?

DH: We had a beer. We spoke about this and that.

Me: What is this and that? You have to tell me. It’s for research purposes.

DH: (he’s now rolling his eyes) Work and renovation stuff. And M’s new car. You know, this and that.

Seriously people. Can you imagine women not asking these questions to other women? He actually didn’t know the gender of the baby or the baby’s name and it honestly didn’t bother him. Apparently it just never came up!!!

The point that I’m trying to illustrate here is that they don’t go out of their way for the details. They talk about STUFF. But not intimate stuff. OR heaven forbid, their feelings!

They tend to bond over shared activities. They play golf. They watch the rugby.  They go fishing. They cycle. I think that their conversations revolve mostly around “doing” of things and not the “feeling of things” hence the lack of emotional intimacy. Also, there appears to be ZERO judgement. I have never heard of any boy judging another boy’s wife for not breastfeeding. Or choosing a c-section. They simply don’t care. I think that girls can learn A LOT from that.

GIRLS:

There is a lot more emotional intimacy and support and way more sharing – (face-to-face around a table as opposed to side-by-side catching fish in silence or whatever).  They cry together and share their deepest secrets with one another. This is excellent but not always, because it has the potential to cause drama. I have seen friendships end because of this sharing/over-sharing. Women know how to hurt one another because they often have a keen sense of one another’s vulnerabilities.  Ultimately, women are emotional beings and this usually comes into play. Men simply don’t get close enough to one another to have this kind of drama in their friendships.

They tend to bond over having shared or similar experiences (i.e. new moms or recently divorced or being a mom of a special needs kid or whatever) as opposed to bonding over shared activities.

To be honest, I often envy male friendships mostly for the low maintenance aspect and the lack of intensity and drama.  And for the lack of judgement.  It is because of these factors that I believe that men probably are better at friendship than women and I honestly believe that women are their own worst enemies. Having said that, being a person who requires WORDS OF AFFIRMATION in order to feel loved, I probably would NOT survive as a guy in friendship.

Do you think that there are huge differences between male friendships and female friendships?

What other significant differences have I left out?

Do you think that boys are better at friendship than girls?

 

This weekend

…..was one of many FIRSTS.

I flew up to Jhb. On my own.

I took the Gautrain. On my own.

I met and stayed with Marcia and D and her DIVINE kids. I haven’t talked to toddlers in YEARS and it was just LOVELY to have THAT kind of conversation. I finally get that twin romance thing.

I went to a parenting seminar with ADHASA seminar and learned SO MUCH!

I drove through suburbs that I had only ever read about. Like Illovo. And Milpark. And Bedfordview.  And Rosebank. And Blairgowrie.  And Randburg. And Houghton. I even made the cab driver go past Ma.nd.ela’s house for me. AND I ended up driving through Hillbrow! It’s a cross between Manenberg, Elsies River and some of the rubbish bits of Mowbray main Road. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t fearful or anything.

I met and had lunch with Cat and Louisa. They are AWESOME.

I had a latte and shared a waffle at the airport with Cat.  LOVED this one-on-one time with her. Thank goodness she came with me because I would have BATTLED at that big airport on my own.

I flew home and did the ugly cry at the airport when both my kids just RAN to me when they saw me coming.

I ate the most BEAUTIFUL Roti and Curry when I got home and snuggled on the couch with my boys who wouldn’t go to bed. They ended up falling asleep there.

And then I slept. Because I was KNACKERED.

All in all, a lovely weekend.

This week I want to relax, read, knit a little, craft a little and NOT look at my to-do list. Child1 is starting exams so I guess I’ll be doing a bit of work with him.

And btw…it initially took some adjustment but now I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rose and will be devastated if I should ever have to part with her.

Ps..in case you don’t know, my kindle is a girl. She is called Rose.

How was your weekend and what are you looking forward to this week?

Friendship and kids

I am jumping on the band wagon with Marcia and her Friendship Friday movement.

I’ve blogged before about the fact that my DH and I weren’t doing so well on the friends front.  It took a long time for us to eventually reach the conclusion that it wasn’t us. It was our kids. Our beautiful, very special kids.

We’ve been socialising without them for some time now but would like to change this. After all, we are a family. A unit. Part of the same package.

As you know, we parent TWO atypical needs kids.

Child 1 has ADHD. He is not hyperactive in a destructive way (i.e. you won’t find him breaking windows and setting things alight and jumping off the roof etc) but he is LOUD.  And VERY EXCITABLE.

We are used to it so hardly notice it but I get that people who don’t deal with this daily can become overwhelmed. Someone who doesn’t know him will think that he is abrasive and rude. He’s not. Really. He is a FANTASTIC kid. And I’m not being biased. He really is AWESOME if you to get to know him and understand how his mind works.

My DH and I insist on proper behaviour at all times but we can’t control everything. I’m not sure if you are familiar with ADHD, but kids who have it do get VERY excitable around other people/kids which makes it so much worse.  My DH and I do role play with him a lot and we practice with him how to behave in certain situations. There is a lot of repetition. Sometimes he remembers, other times he doesn’t.  We just continue to remind him and take things one day at a time.

Because ultimately, that is ALL that you can do as a parent with a special needs kid. Not everything can be helped with therapy and it’s such a fine balance to correct him without breaking his spirit. My DH and I have learned to deal with it and we are managing it in the way we know best.  Atypical needs kids require their own set of rules and there is much trial and error involved.

Our families are OK. It’s other people can’t handle it because it’s not their normal. And in a way you can’t blame them. Society only teaches about perfection. About beauty. Not about flaws. Not about Uniqueness. Being Different is often frowned upon.

So in essence,we are the people who don’t get invited back to parties. We are the people with “that child” or “those kids”. We are the people who lose friends ALL the time because of it.

Our child2 has just been diagnosed with HF Autism. A few months ago he was diagnosed with SID. FINALLY we could understand that he couldn’t cope with the sensory input around him and that his constant tantrums and acting out was not because of something that we were doing wrong. Again, we are navigating this slowly and I firmly believe that it will get easier with time and the more we understand what we are dealing with.

Last year my DH and I took stock of our friends and friendships – I kind of had to force the issue because he is a boy and couldn’t care less about this stuff.

It was painful to come to the realisation that people didn’t like our kid/s. That they couldn’t cope with them. It was more painful to come to the realisation that they couldn’t be brave enough to tell us the truth. That they didn’t EVER ask what they could do to help. That they never made ANY effort to at least try to understand what we were having to navigate on a daily basis. That, in actual fact, they were NOT OUR FRIENDS. Not by a long shot. Because true friends stick around. They don’t run off when they feel overwhelmed by something that is essentially YOUR problem.

It is one thing to grieve the loss of normal. It is even more painful when you don’t have good friends helping you through that process and beyond.

Recently my DH and I were talking and it came to us.  Like an aha moment for us. We realised that we need to befriend people who also have atypical needs kids because THEY would understand it better than anyone else.

And so, this will be the next step for us. The more I think about it the more I realise that this is ABSOLUTELY the way to go and I cannot believe that we didn’t think of it a long time ago!

I have all these visions of us having our support group friends on speed dial. Socialising with them on the weekends (WITH our kids). I see them babysitting our kids now and again so we can have timeout at home. And I see us finally feeling accepted into a group of friends and NOT being judged for our parenting and NOT having people judge our kids.

And yet, despite this I still want to socialise with people who have typical needs kids – especially if there is a real connection. Co-incidentally I was meant to meet a friend tomorrow but we postponed our date. This friend of mine is a single parent with a 9year old boy who she treats like her BFF. This child sits into our conversations and even gives his opinions! I HATE it. A lot.  I insisted that she leave her kid at home. I couldn’t very well tell her that I’m not in the mood for her kid. So I told her that I would like to use the F-word liberally and that I can’t do that if he’s around. We are meeting up next week. Sans kids.

So this is my question to you: Have you ever been in a situation where you stay away from friends because of their kids?

What do you do if you don’t love the friend and not their kids?

If I want to socialise with you and your typical needs kid, what would you expect from me?

Would you prefer me to leave my kids out of our relationship in order for us to maintain our friendship?

A case of “she’s just not into you”?

There are three characters in this scenario.

Person A – ridiculously clever and fabulous and dynamic. Values deep connection and recognises a good thing when she sees it.

Person B – ridiculously clever and fabulous too. Also VERY dynamic.

Person C – bit of an airhead. Brags a lot. Gossips.

In this scenario Persons A, B and C are friendly with one another. Person A is friendly with Person B but really wants to be more than just friendly with person B. Person A actually sees that there is a lot of potential for her and Person B to be great friends. Person A tries to reach out to Person B. Countless times. And Person B gets it. Kind of. Person B responds. A bit. Person B is very kind and even confides in Person A occasionally about deeply personal things. There is a bit of connection between them but it just never progresses.

BECAUSE…

Person B prefers Person C. They are great friends and no one can understand this – not even Person D, E, F, G who I haven’t mentioned here can fathom this odd friendship.  Person B and Person C get along like a house on fire. They BBM and they have lunch together. They even have a breakfast catch up every morning.

And for a while Person A tries but then she retreats because she is a bit vain and does have her pride. She feels a bit flat about it but ultimately realises that it is what it is.

Something becomes abundantly clear to Person A which doesn’t sit so well with her:  Person B LOVES and really enjoys Person A’s company when Person C is not around. Only then do Person A and Person B connect.

Person A doesn’t want to be an afterthought. Person A wants to be great friends and have deep connection in spite of Person C and  not only when Person C is not around. Person A has decided that she is done with high school and all that. Since Person A made the decision all is well in her world and other persons have been coming into Person A’s life. It is clear to Person A that holding on to something that is simply not meant to be can actually hinder other opportunities for deep connection.

Despite Person A having made peace with all this, she would like your input on the matter:

Is this a classic case of Person B just not really being into Person A?

What would you do if you were in Person A’s shoes?

Would you retreat like Person A has done?

Would you be happy to be an “afterthought” in matters of friendship? Is Person A just being Super Vain?

Do you think that Person A is just reading too much into this and needs to get a life already?

 

 

Do you want us at our best? – A post about friendship

My DH and I rarely socialise with our kids. There are various reasons for this but I’ll briefly summarize the main ones:

Child 1 has ADHD. While he is no longer very hyperactive he is VERY loud and does become VERY excitable when there are loads of kids around. My DH and the rest of our family and close friends understand him and we actually don’t even notice it for most of the time, but it is difficult for new people and we get that.  As far as possible I try to medicate him beforehand but it isn’t always practical, especially late in the afternoons or at night because then I’ll be dealing with an insomniac.

Child 2 has significant developmental delays and has recently been diagnosed with SID.  My DH and I are trying (with lots of trial and error) to navigate this and to figure out what triggers sensory overload for him. If I know that there is A LOT of sensory overload at someone’s home or if there are many kids of the same age then I would rather not socialise with him.

I know that this is probably not the best way to deal with the situation but right now it works for my DH and I.

We rarely take our kids to visit people if we haven’t first “checked out” the setup and the few times that we did this (i.e. socialise with them on the first date) we got seriously burned!

Also, I am self-conscious about my children’s issues, ESPECIALLY if there are other typical needs kids (mine are essentially atypical needs kids) of the same age. It’s just painful for me and makes the differences between my kids and typical needs kids more obvious.  Well, to me at least. I can’t cope with the questions and the looks and the whispers. And yes, I know that I should probably stop projecting and tell people to mind their own business but I’m still trying to come to terms with it myself so can’t always answer a lot of the “very thoughtful” questions.

Fact is, we do want to be invited back and I think our kids have the ability to ruin our social life. Sad but true.

I find that I just cannot relax when socialising with my kids, largely due the reasons that I’ve mentioned and also because I just see “danger” all around.  Yes, I know I am paranoid and I’m working on trying to NOT follow them around people’s houses to prevent an accident of sorts. I’m working hard on trying not to be that “helicopter” parent and it isn’t really going well at the moment. My DH is much better at this than me.

My DH and I are a fun, awesome couple (if I must say so myself). Both of us can converse about ANYTHING and we have a variety of opinions on various matters.  We make good jokes and we’ll even laugh at your jokes (OK I might not always get it but I’ll still laugh). We both have great manners and know our p’s and q’s. We don’t argue in public and even though we might have been fighting all the way to your house, you would never be able to tell.

We clean up well, we can party and we can do quiet dinners. We can do experience outings and we even camp now!

We can handle our liquor like professionals (well, he can – I’m usually the designated driver) and you would NEVER find either of us puking in your flowerbeds.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say is this:

If you want the best of me or the best of us, then PLEASE don’t invite our kids. Invite us ALONE. It’s just better for everyone. And if you do choose to invite our kids and we decline, then PLEASE don’t take it personally.  Because really, it’s not you. It’s us.

Having said all this, if you really want the pleasure of our atypical needs kids, then invite us to a park. Preferably one with wide open spaces and no water, because kids around water literally sends me over the edge.

I know that some people find it easier to make friends once they have kids. That has NOT been our experience,  though now that I think about it, we haven’t really socialised with parents whose kids have similar issues. Definitely something to explore during 2012.

Do you find that your social life has changed in a good way since you have kids? Do you find it easier to make friends after kids?

Because I have to say that I have NOT found it easy. I have to say that I often find Motherhood to be incredibly lonely (despite the loveliness of Twitter)  and I often find myself fantasizing about how different things would be if I had typical needs kids. And yes, I know that things could have been so much worse. And I know that my kids are healthy and thriving despite the odds.

Some days this just doesn’t make me feel any better.

 

One times work BFF needed ASAP

I am rather private in my work place. I am friendly with everyone and I do take part in work stuff i.e. attend functions and staff parties etc but I don’t socialise with my colleagues after hours and, on Fridays when we have drinks after work I don’t  consume any alcohol with them.

My colleagues know very little about me except for what I choose to share. I guess I am this way largely because I have been burned in the past (luckily not too seriously) but also because I quite like having my office hours life  separate from my after hours life.

This changed about 3 or so years ago when I became friends with Faldielah, a fantastic woman I worked with. She and I just hit it off and got along like a house on fire. We were similar in many ways (she is also very private at work) but also very different.  I actually broke all my rules with her and socialised with her after work and I basically allowed her into my personal space. We just “got” one another and I saw her as my work spouse. She was not a gossip and we used to give one another a heads up whenever it was necessary. Faldielah is Mu.sl.i.m but a very open-minded one – I think because she lived overseas for a bit and did quite a bit of travelling. I used to love listening to her views on God and Islam and various religious matters. She really challenged my perceptions and my thinking about certain things.

We took lunches together, I inspired her to knit, I introduced her to Pinterest (she told me that I was EVIL to do this), she inspired me to cook – that was her first love,  and to study and she always reminded me how fabulous and talented I am.

Last month she resigned after we got our increase letters. She just got tired of the company and decided that she’d had enough of our employer. I was rather envious that she was in a position to do so. Nevertheless, I chose not to think about the fact that our days as work spouses were numbered.

Her last day at work was last week. I cried a bit. Actually I cried more than a bit. I knitted her something funky as a farewell gift. She kept telling me to stop being ridiculous because it wasn’t as if we weren’t going to see one another again. I am sure we will still see one another but somehow it won’t be the same and this makes my heart a bit sore. I should be excited that our friendship will move  into a different phase but a big part of me is just so nervous about this.

In the meantime I am a LONELY LILA at work and EVERYONE knows this. They keep asking me if I am missing her. What kind of stupid question is that? OBVIOUSLY I am missing her already!

I don’t have a go-to person when I want to share something. I don’t have anyone to share cool links and recipes with. I don’t have anyone to go with me to Claremont or to go walking with me during lunch times. I am lonely. I miss my work spouse. I miss my friend. And I do need another work spouse ASAP. I have scouted the office and I even “interviewed” and “observed” people for the position without them realising it. No one fits the criteria. She was just a one-of-a-kind work spouse.

I feel more miserable than ever in my workplace as she did make it a bit more bearable for me.  At least we are texting and emailing all day long but it’s just not the same. I am really missing my favourite work spouse, my first ever work BFF.

Do you think I’m being ridiculous? Maybe I am. I just really need another work spouse and there is NO ONE in my office who even comes close!

What are you like in your work place? DO you socialise with your colleagues after hours? Do you have a work spouse?

Friendship. The boy files

I have four really good male friends who were all in my life before my DH.

The one is a guy from Church – actually he has become my DH’s friend too. Co-incidentally I found out sometime after we became friends that he was actually married to my cousin. We do the very occasional double date with them.

The other one is a guy that I was at Youth with in high school. He went with me to my matric dance. We chat about twice a year.

The other one is someone who I was kind-of involved with. My DH knows about this, has never felt threatened and has also become really good friends with him. We also socialise with him AND his wife (who just LOVES me btw…) and our same-age Toddlers love playing together.

Then there is my closest BFF who I grew up with. Kind of. We met at Sunday School when we were about 7 or 8. Our friendship grew. We drifted for a few years and then reconnected about 10 or so years ago when he was in my Tax class at Technikon. He is the only male that I actually go out with. We go to theatre and the ballet and art galleries and markets – in other words, all the stuff that my DH has no interest in doing with me, I do with him. HE is the one who introduced me to yoga all those years ago.  He is objective about stuff though he will always take my DH’s side when I am cross. He tells me when I am not looking so hot and when my hair is looking rubbish. He is very stylish (I am positively dowdy next to him) and reminds me to accessorise. He challenges my thinking. He is deeply spiritual and we have endless debates about religion and spirituality. He is not shy to tell me if I am behaving like a brat. We actually share the same love language (except for the physical touch  – probably a good thing) and every year for my birthday he takes me out instead of buying me something. HE is one of the few people who totally get me. I do sometimes forget that he is a guy and I treat him like I treat my girlfriends. He even goes with me when I shop for make-up!

My DH doesn’t really have female friends.

He doesn’t mind that I have male friends and the only thing that he ever said about them (when we just got married) was that  ultimately, it doesn’t matter that I am good friends with them but that I need to remember that at the end of the day, they are still MEN and that I should always bear this in mind and watch my body language etc.

There are unspoken rules between us about how my male friends fit into our lives. For example. When they phone my house they will ALWAYS speak to him first and catch up. They only visit my house if and when he is home. We never go out at night and if we do go out then it is always during the day to a very public place. I speak to them about my DH –  though nothing too personal about our relationship or what goes on at home.

I love that I have never ever had to set boundaries for my male friends. They just know their place and they completely respect my DH and our relationship.

I find that my boy friends are VERY different to my girl friends in many ways – this is a whole new post. The one thing that I LOVE about my male friends is that they are very, very uncomplicated and NOT high maintenance at all.

Do you have opposite s.e.x friends? Do you find that there are big differences between having male and female friends?

Taking responsibility for my part

Remember this post where I wrote about the status of my relationships with my girls?

Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I realised something.

I am partly to blame as I essentially isolated myself.

During my husband’s period of unemployment I stopped making an effort. I wasn’t rude or anything and there was no fallout but I ended up just staying away – mainly because I simply couldn’t cope with everyone complaining about ridiculous, arb stuff in their lives. I guess I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was going through something way bigger.

We were literally living from day-to-day and doing what needed to be done to survive and we were essentially depressed.  We withdrew from everyone except our families and those really good friends who continued to pitch up, despite the fact that we were “in hiding”.  At least I had my friends in the computer who ironically provided me with more emotional support than my irl friends.

In that time it was just me and my DH against the world – at least that’s how it felt.

I honestly couldn’t deal with people who were self-absorbed and whining about crap. I wanted to choke them. So I stayed away. And actually, so did they. I’m thinking that a good friend sticks around and continues to check on you through all kinds of crap?

When my husband eventually started to work again, I felt more ready to face the world. We both were. I guess we felt that we were ready to look people in the eye again.  Things were (and are still) tough as we are trying to recover from that period (a process which could take years) but at least we had our hope back and started to feel more “normal” for lack of a better word.

So I started to reach out. But, it was too late as everyone was in different phases of their lives and they had essentially moved on. Guess they couldn’t be held back by depressed people who had no money…

And this is where we are currently at. I am still reaching out and it is not being reciprocated – maybe because I stayed away when I wasn’t coping? I don’t know. It takes a long time for me to finally write someone off. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I am of the view that everyone deserves another chance.

It is something painful for me but I am mature enough to realise when it is time to move on.

And so, that is what I have decided. I am moving on.

It’s time for new experiences and new friends and healthier connections. Time to clean up FB. Time to declutter some unhealthy, one-way-street friendships. Time for new spreadsheets – I deleted the one that I had in a fit of rage.

Actually, the possibilities are endless. I just need to put myself out there a bit which complicates my life a bit because I’m shy. But, it can and will be done.

I can totally do this.

ps…I had the loveliest Women’s Day. A good run, awesome breakfast, a beach walk, some outside play with the kids, ice cream, a nap. I made a lot of food yesterday so I wouldn’t have to cook today and my DH’s 2 friends came to visit while I was sleeping and ate MOST OF IT! Had to throw something together earlier! Eish. Was not impressed