Yesterday I cried.

I went to a school social/meet the teacher session for Child2 and parents were talking casually about their kids. The normalness of it all was just too much.  So I cried.

I spoke to my sons teacher who clearly loves him so, so much. I was very moved by her beautiful, kind, encouraging words about him. And so I cried.

I looked at my sons drawings. I looked at the average 4year olds drawings. The gap is so very wide and all that I could see was how much catching up he still needed to do. I was overwhelmed. So I cried.

I really needed my DH to be with me at that moment but he was at home doing homework and maintaining the routine for our kids. So I cried. Alone.

I seem to  have become one of those Mothers that I swore I would never become. The Mother who compares her kid with others. The Mother who feels almost embarrassed that her kid has problems. The Mother who can’t stop internalizing it and making it all about how she feels. The Mother who is unable to cope with the fact that she can’t fix this. So I cried.

While driving home I felt so very alone. So I cried.

When I opened the door to my home at 20:30pm, someone had gotten out of his bed and was running to the door to greet me. HE was THRILLED to see me and jumped into my arms and just laughed like he was being tickled! So I laughed and cried at the same time.

All that he wanted to do was snuggle with me. I sat on the couch and watched mindless TV while he slept in my arms. I inhaled his beautiful fresh smell. I stroked his head.  I memorised every little divine feature of his. While he laid in my arms I prayed for him. And I cried.

I cried because I love him so very much that it hurts. And I realised that he is depending on me to hold his hand while I can barely keep it together.

Yesterday.

I cried.

And today. I could not engage with anyone. Because I am numb.

Natural Schmatural

I am relatively granola and all hippy-like (in fact, I recently made muesli from scratch. And liquid soap. Must blog about it) but not when it comes to medications.

I won’t be giving up my AD’s anytime soon and my son won’t be giving up his medication either.  I did try to go the natural route with my Depression but as with all things natural there is a process and it takes a lot of time. While I was waiting for the natural stuff to work I was getting ready to drive myself off a bridge. Same with Child1 and his medication. While we were waiting for the natural stuff to start working he was missing out on school stuff due to being hyped up and all over the place. I am VERY instant gratification when it comes to medications and I NEED results at the very least within 24 hours.

I am now at the point where I feel OK about going to the Homeopath – mind you only for certain ailments and not for any issues involving chemical imbalances or anything where an antibiotic is needed. We won’t be going to a Homeopath for chest issues and ear infections and tonsillitis stuff etc.

I have been thinking for some time to see a homeopath for my allergies (both Child 1 and I have them) because there isn’t really any medication that seems to work for us.  The ones that work relatively well are the ones that cause drowsiness which obviously isn’t practical. I have lived with it for a long time so I don’t mind going through the (long) process to get results.

I have also been thinking about taking Child2 to the homeopath his eczema. We generally have it under control but in summer it is a nightmare. I use cortisone and repair creams when he has a flare up but I want to get to the point where we don’t need it.

These are issues that I know will take some time to sort out but we have lived with them for some time so can wait for whatever to work.

The reason for this post is kind of twofold. Yesterday I went to the library (not to take out books, I HATE libraries  – I was waiting for someone and so I was reading the notice board at the entrance) and I saw a link for a site for an organisation that does all kinds of holistic healing processes.

These people claim  that they can cure my asthma using something called a cupping method. Not sure of the origins of this (must google – I think it comes from the east) but it does sound rather tempting.

I use preventative meds every morning and every night. It’s not something that I feel completely comfortable with and I am really only doing it so I don’t die due to lack of oxygen. Fact is, using a steroid pump can weaken the heart which essentially means that I could possibly die of a heart attack. Seriously. I just can’t win with this asthma. There are numerous studies about the side effects of prolonged use of steroid pumps. I am sceptical but I am also curious. What if they can cure my asthma? Am I possibly being naive?

So this is what I need to know today:

What are your views on natural health practitioners? Do you use them? Do you prefer them over the GP that LOVES to prescribe antibiotics?

How do you feel about eastern stuff – I’m talking about things like cupping. Or Acupuncture. Or Acupressure?

My friend uses a GP who also practices as a Homeopath. I rather like that idea but there isn’t a GP close to where I stay (or work) that does this. Would you go to this type of Dr?

 

No words

Usually, in my life when the words don’t come then it means that I need to take a step back. I need to wait it out. Breathe. Be Still. Do some yoga. Go run. Get perspective. Or whatever.

Fact is, I like the words. Correction. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the words. I cannot possibly imagine my life without them.

But. I want them to come naturally. I want to see them display on my screen without having being edited too much – btw I do very little content editing on my posts – this is probably why I seldom blog less than 800 words. I usually just spell check because I HATE bad spelling.

I could blog about my weekend but I don’t feel like it. I could blog about this wedding that I went to on Saturday. I could blog about the fact that I still don’t have a tree or any form of Christmas decor up. I was just too tired to do this on Sunday. I went in to the office to do some work and when I came home I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and then I went to bed.

Point is, I have loads of things to blog about at the moment. Off the top of my head I have approximately 14 things/ topics to write about.

Yet, the words don’t want to come. I stare at the blank screen. I start a sentence. I delete. I finish another sentence. Then another. Then I delete ALL the words.

Rinse and repeat 12 ( YES, TWELVE) times. Then I stop. I give up. It kind of kills me to have to do this. IT feels wrong to walk away from the words that are taking a bit longer than usual to come.  It feels like I am admitting defeat.

But. This is what I do know:

To me, there is nothing more beautiful than words strung together, regardless of the medium used to display them.

There is familiarity and comfort in the words. I need them because to me they symbolise “normal”. They are an indication that all is well and that things will be OK.

The words need to flow and if they are not flowing then I need to examine why that is. I received some information/news yesterday about someone who I love with my entire heart and soul that I should probably work through.  When I’m out of denial or shock or whatever I will blog about it. Hopefully in 2012. Could this be why there are no words at the moment?

What do you do when the words don’t come? Do you force them as I’m obviously doing now? Do you take a step back and wait for it to pass?

Mmmm….maybe I should post  some pictures?  Maybe I should publish a quote or something wordy that I’ve pinned? Must think about that.

In the absence of words do you substitute with pictures etc?

And btw…how do I get rid of this snow on my blog?

 

Chocolate and Guitars

Today I decided to fake it till I make it.

I started my day with chocolate for breakfast. It was beautiful. Like manna from heaven. I kept thinking to myself that I really should do this more often. I then got the best cup of coffee EVER! More manna.

My kids were also beautifully co-operative. Even the one four-year old who doesn’t like the mornings. Maybe because I woke him up with his favourite ginger biscuit? Eish. I am probably creating a problem for myself but ultimately we do what we have to do to maintain our sanity.

I had a busy, productive day at work. And I did some hard boot camp exercise. No endorphins but I am feeling better tonight, even though it is still sore to laugh.  Dinner was a divine meal of hake, baked potato and stir fried vegetables. And of course I had some chocolate for dessert.

I am not sure what happened yesterday because I have been taking my medication. I’m going to continue to fake it till I make it and if I have another experience like yesterday or if it takes too long for me to feel more normal then I am going back to my Shrink for a tweak. I hope it’s not necessary though because my meds and I have been doing really well with no side-effects. I do not wish to rock this boat but I guess if I have to then I will.

On Saturday I finally went for my first guitar lesson. Was AWESOME. We have 3 guitars at home, two acoustic guitars and one electric guitar. I got one from my DH as a Christmas gift about 5 years ago and had every intention of getting some lessons. Shortly afterwards he bought himself one as well (and the electric one) and it was something that we were going to do together. Well. We never got around to it.

A few weeks ago I found out that there was a couple at the Church who were offering lessons FOR FREE! I obviously got very excited and decided to go for it. I have tried to go for the past few weeks but could just not get there. On Saturday at 14:30 I asked my DH if he was ready for his lesson. He told me he felt “tired”. I responded by saying that it was a pity he felt that way because I would definitely be going. My Tween boy chirped from inside his room and asked if he could come along. Of course I said YES and I wondered why I hadn’t thought of that before!

We went and we had so much fun even though I am probably the oldest person in that beginner class. He is so much better than me and we have been practicing our 3 chords a lot. I LOVE it, even though my fingertips are aching! I am told that this is all part of it and that it does become easier.

And my nephew who is a guitarist extraordinaire offered to teach us some more complex stuff once we know most of the basic chord progressions. LOVE IT!

So. Today was a better day and I am feeling slightly more normal. Thank you all for your concern.xxx

Going to practice my 3 chords now (can’t cope with the possibility of my child being better than me) and then get into bed.

Hope you had a fantastic Tuesday

x

What would you do differently?

I recently read a post that made me think a lot. If I could remember the author of the post and where exactly I read it I would link but I really can’t remember and have no idea where to even start looking. The author explored this question: What do you know today that you wish you might have known then.

This question has been on my mind a lot lately and subsequently I have been wondering what I would do differently if the proverbial slate were to be wiped clean and I could start over. I have been wondering what I would do differently based on what I know now that I didn’t know then.

Now usually, the “right” answer or rather, the “standard” answer to a question like this would be something like “I wouldn’t change a thing because everything that happened made me who I am today”.

Personally, I find that to be a rubbish answer. Either that or I have LOADS of growing to do still. There is absolutely no guarantee that going through crap makes one a better person. A lot of the time it has exactly the opposite effect, yet nobody talks about that.

This is my thinking:

We all have regrets.

We have all had some VERY cringe-worthy moments.

We have all made some mistakes.

We have all been in really bad situations.

Why on earth would anyone want to live through that again?

Perhaps I should do a post on what exactly I would have done differently if I had a do-over but today this would be my question to you:

What do you know now that you wish you had known then? What would you do differently if you had a chance for a do-over?

This and that – bullet points on a Monday

• My DH had a difficult day today. Based on this, I decided that going away this weekend would probably not be a good idea. I know that my DH would have been OK with it – he was very clear about it, but I suspect that he will need me a lot this weekend. I am obviously bummed and very, very disappointed but unfortunately this is just the way things worked out.  I wish it weren’t so.
• I went with my DH today to make arrangements to have my FIL’s body released from the mortuary after an autopsy had been completed. This required us having to first identify the body. I was a bit anxious about this (I am creeped out by dead people – even if I knew them) but it was OK.  Almost healing in a way. The staff was fantastic and so, so compassionate.  It’s not like in the movies where they slide the body out of a fridge.  It’s actually very humane and done with much sensitivity in mind. I think that it takes a special kind of person to work with death every single day of their lives.
• I am feeling a bit stuck and exceptionally frustrated. Absolutely NOTHING that I had planned for this month worked out. I really just need July to get done already.  July is usually my FAVOURITE month but this particular July of 2011 has been the worst one of my life!
• It would seem that one requires a degree to read a knitting pattern. I honestly don’t know why every single thing needs to be abbreviated. I am googling abbreviations and stitches ALL THE TIME. Either no one keeps the beginner in mind or I am just looking in all the wrong places.
• After eating like a pig last week I seem to have lost my appetite. Probably not a good thing but I am not going to force myself to eat.

That’s where I am at for today. Sorry for this glum post. I am really not feeling it today and I am trying my utmost to pull myself towards myself.

Have a great week.

xx

Of needing to control

Thank you so much for your beautiful comments on my previous post. I had such a good, healing cry when I read them.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend  thinking  about how and why it is that I am struggling to accept that this is a part of who I am and I realised something very profound.

It is essentially a control issue.

I am struggling to accept that there is so little that I can control in my life due to variables beyond my control.

I am struggling to accept that something as basic as my emotional state is something that I need help with managing. It freaks me out completely that I am generally afraid of death but when I am an un-medicated state for too long then it just seems like the most beautiful, appealing thing. It freaks me out that I can completely lose perspective when I am in this state.

I am struggling to accept that managing emotions is something that plenty of people do with relative ease and that I need to medicate in order to be able to do the same and yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself with others. We all have some form of “disability” and depression happens to be mine.

I think that a huge part of me feels quite stupid about all of this. I think that a huge part of me feels that I have failed and somehow I can’t help but take this very personally.

I am struggling to accept that this is actually a part of who I am and that it’s OK.

I am struggling to accept that certain things just are the way they are and that it’s nobody’s fault or not because anything that I’ve done or not done.

Intellectually I know that depression is a chemical imbalance.

Intellectually I know that it can be managed.

Intellectually I know that just going off meds is a really stupid and highly irresponsible thing to do.

Intellectually I know that I do need help managing this part of my life.

Yesterday I felt more human than I felt in an entire week and I feel even better today. I think my meds are taking a bit longer to work but I believe that I will get there.

I spent my weekend reflecting and sleeping and reading and eating and loving and I realised just how incredibly Blessed I am.

My cup runneth over. And for this I am so very grateful.

 

Of stupidity and picking up the pieces

So I recently did a very stupid thing.

After I wrote this post I decided to stop taking my AD meds. I published that post and then reread the introductory paragraph. It struck me that I had possibly come to a point of acceptance. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I wondered if I was OK accepting this.  I decided that I wasn’t.  I wondered if I really needed my meds anymore. I know that it wasn’t the cleverest thing to do and I would have discouraged that type of action if it was someone  I knew who was contemplating something similar. However, I figured that I was doing OK. I was watching my diet, I was exercising and drinking lots of water. I was happy. I was floating. I was feeling confident in my ability to manage my emotional self. I felt that I was ready to manage my life without medication.  So I stopped taking them. And for a while I was fine.

Until this past Sunday when I crashed and burned. I don’t want to bore you with the details of what happens when I experience the crash.  What I will say is that on Monday I woke up quite literally without the will to live. I will say that the sadness was completely overwhelming and that I don’t know how else to explain it except to say that it felt like I was suffocating.

My DH sorted the kids while I stayed in bed trying to decide if it would be a good idea to go to work. I ended up staying home. My husband was not happy with me but did what needed to be done. After he left I decided that perhaps I should go to work as I really didn’t want to go and pay for another sick note.  It took every bit of self-control that I had to take a bath and get dressed. He dropped the kids and came back to fetch me. I didn’t even call my Dr. I just decided that I need to take my medication again.  I have been back on it since Monday but somehow it seems like it is taking longer to work this time around. I think that if I still feel this way next week then I’m going to go back to see my Shrink (whom I have not seen for the longest time because I am really tired of talking about this).

I have battled with depression for a very long time. I remember feeling “sad” even as a teenager. As I got older I found it relatively easy to manage the sadness. I kept myself really busy because being busy meant that there wasn’t time for me to think and reflect on my feelings.  Then last year it all came crashing down. I cried one day. All day. I couldn’t stop. I feel terrible when I think how that must have affected my poor children who couldn’t understand that it wasn’t them. I then went to sleep and woke up after something like 19 hours. Still so tired. My husband climbed into bed and spooned with me and told me (in the most gentle way) that this needed to be dealt with. Today. So I went to Dr and I could barely speak because I was just so emotional. And he put me on medication. And it was the best thing ever. I felt a difference almost immediately. There were no side effects whatsoever. I was thrilled to still have a proper libido. My meds and I were literally a match made in heaven. I was grateful that it worked immediately and that I didn’t have to live with 6 weeks of horrendous side effects before I could see a difference in my emotional state.

For the first time ever I felt so normal – there’s that stupid word again. There was no sadness. Not even lurking in the background or hiding around the corner. I felt like  a better version of myself. I felt that I liked myself so much more. I felt like I loved everyone else so much more. I still got angry and annoyed from time to time but I was just able to manage it so much better. My meds somehow just made it easier for me to not take every little thing so personally.

I don’t know what point I am trying to make here. I guess I need to express how angry I am that I am unable to control my emotions without being medicated. I am angry that I let this thing take over my life. I am angry that I can’t speak to my parents about it because they are like all the other Church people who judge and believe that I WANT to feel like this and that I am not trusting God to heal me.  I am angry that there is still so much stigma around being depressed and using medication as part of ones treatment. I am angry that people don’t understand something and yet have so much to say about it. WTF is it with people who like to do that?

All that I know today is that my children need their Mommy and my DH needs his wife and that I really need to get my act together and stop taking chances like this.

All I know is that I actually need my AD’s (to help balance the chemicals in my brain) and that these babies unfortunately have to stay in my life.

All I know is that I never ever want to feel sad again. It’s just too painful for me. And my family. They deserve better.

 

Stuff that I would say to certain people if I was brave enough to deal with the inevitable fall-out afterwards

You. Stop studying the contents of my lunch every day and passing comments on what I am eating. It’s rude.

You.  I get that THAT man makes you feel whole and fulfilled. I get that he provides you with the affirmation and affection that you so desperately crave from a man. However, THAT man is a rubbish and doesn’t respect you. Deep down I know that you know this. You are beautiful and talented and smart and brilliant and brave and so, so courageous. Please stop playing with fire. You deserve a man who will fully commit to you. Not someone who is actually still married. And btw…he probably won’t leave his wife. I suspect you know this.

You. Stop nitpicking and looking for fault with everyone. You judge others as if you have it together. You so don’t.

You. You hurt me deeply when you didn’t include me in that thing that you did for our parents.  I cried when I went home that day. I felt excluded and so alone and I was ready to pack my bags and leave the country so I could be far away from you lot. Thank goodness my husband is a sensible chap. I wish you could have asked me how I felt before just going ahead and taking all the credit yet again because, again, I end up looking like the pap snoek while you are the fillet steak.

You. Stop eavesdropping. That’s just rude. Don’t you have work to do?

You. How dare you judge me for taking AD’s? How dare you bring God into this and tell me that I suffer from Depression because my relationship with Him is not what it should be?  Seriously. Who do you think you are? I have no words for you and if I was brave enough I would tell you to F***Off because clearly we have very different views of who or what God is.

You. Stop being so shallow. Do you know how lucky you are to have what you have?

You.  I understand that you are hurting. She did a terrible thing to you. But you need to be mature about the way you are reacting to the situation. Enough with the nastiness between you and your ex. Enough with the games. Enough with the anger. Work through your anger. Go and see a therapist if you must.  Maybe the two of you can resolve some issues using a mediator. Your Son needs you and you are not punishing his Mom (someone who you used to love btw…), you are hurting him. I know that you are a better man than that.

That is all.