I went to a school social/meet the teacher session for Child2 and parents were talking casually about their kids. The normalness of it all was just too much. So I cried.
I spoke to my sons teacher who clearly loves him so, so much. I was very moved by her beautiful, kind, encouraging words about him. And so I cried.
I looked at my sons drawings. I looked at the average 4year olds drawings. The gap is so very wide and all that I could see was how much catching up he still needed to do. I was overwhelmed. So I cried.
I really needed my DH to be with me at that moment but he was at home doing homework and maintaining the routine for our kids. So I cried. Alone.
I seem to have become one of those Mothers that I swore I would never become. The Mother who compares her kid with others. The Mother who feels almost embarrassed that her kid has problems. The Mother who can’t stop internalizing it and making it all about how she feels. The Mother who is unable to cope with the fact that she can’t fix this. So I cried.
While driving home I felt so very alone. So I cried.
When I opened the door to my home at 20:30pm, someone had gotten out of his bed and was running to the door to greet me. HE was THRILLED to see me and jumped into my arms and just laughed like he was being tickled! So I laughed and cried at the same time.
All that he wanted to do was snuggle with me. I sat on the couch and watched mindless TV while he slept in my arms. I inhaled his beautiful fresh smell. I stroked his head. I memorised every little divine feature of his. While he laid in my arms I prayed for him. And I cried.
I cried because I love him so very much that it hurts. And I realised that he is depending on me to hold his hand while I can barely keep it together.
And today. I could not engage with anyone. Because I am numb.