Tag Archives: connection

Friendship Friday: Does age matter?

I have ALWAYS been attracted to older people. This fact used to on the one hand, reassure my parents and on the other hand, freak them out a bit. I always had older friends and very few friends my age. I had NO friends younger than me.

Now I was a bit of an old soul but as I matured and as people my age have matured it has become easier to be friends with them, regardless of how old they are.

I do find that age is only a number but on the other hand it is so much more.

My 40plus friends are so much more  comfortable with who they are. I find that they just get more and more beautiful with age. I find them less judgemental. I find them way more at ease with who they are and with who others are in relation to them. I find them fascinating and wise and quite frankly, just FANTASTIC.

My 30plus friends are kind of where I am in my life with many, many things. They are young-ish parents, they are coming into their own and at this stage there is just SO MUCH in common in terms of the struggles we face.

I have never been able to be friends with younger people until recently. I think it generally had a lot to do with where we were in our lives. Even now, the younger friends that I have are all Moms. And they all seem to be hippies and earth Mommy-types.

I don’t generally need to have a common interest with someone to be their friend, BUT I find that with my 20plus friends,  it does come in handy.

I do try not to be conscious of the fact that some of them are “younger” in age and in the last while this is what I’ve learnt about friendship and age:

  • Age really is just a number.
  • In order for ANY friendship to thrive there needs to be mutual respect and a sincere connection between the parties, regardless of their ages.
  • I  have limited and closed myself off to MANY friendships over the years because of being “age-ist” and I have missed out on so much!
  • Being older doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is more mature. I’ve met some 40year olds who behave like 12 year olds and I’ve met some 22year olds who are just fascinating and dynamic and so, so mature.
  • Even though I’m friends with women in their early 20s,  I STILL can’t be friends with MUCH YOUNGER women i.e. anyone under 21. It’s just weird for me.

Is age an issue for you when it comes to friendship? Do you gravitate towards older or younger friends?  How old is your oldest friend and how old is your youngest friend?

Ps…my oldest friend is 55. I LOVE her. My youngest friend is 24. I LOVE her too!.

Pps..I planned ONE friend date for the month and I didn’t even get to set it up yet. Because just THIS PAST WEEK ALONE, I went on THREE friend dates – this excludes the one where I invited friend M over. They were ALL impromptu. My love tank is just sooooo full at the moment.

The girlfriend files

A few days ago I posted about the fact that my DH and I no longer really have many “couples” as friends.

Today I want to talk about my so-called girlfriends. The story is as follows:

Friend A:

No contact for 3 months. In the first week of April I texted her AND I called her because it was her birthday. As usual, we chatted up a storm and promised to meet. Well, we are still meeting. Because obviously this meeting is dependent on ME initiating as well as the fact that “I” need to make arrangements so that it can take place. She is currently in a relationship and is one of those people who “forget” about her friends when things are going well. As soon as the sh*t hits the fan then we are all good enough again.

Friend B:

Sigh. We last spoke about 6 weeks ago after “I” called. Before that? Maybe in February. I saw that she wished her partner well on FB (he was going for an interview) and I made the effort to call (from my work phone nogal!) just to see if all was well. Again, we chatted up a storm and promises made to meet. Again, I must initiate said meeting and make arrangements in order for everyone to just pitch up.

Friend C:

Very present in my life. Annoying me to no end at the moment. So very materialistic and so self-absorbed.

Friend D:

VERY VERY, VERY busy at work. I do understand this as she has a high-profile job. Surely she can at least return a text message? No contact since February. I have given up texting because I only have SO MANY FREE SMS’s and I do try to save them for an emergency or for when my airtime runs out already!

Friend E:

Calls me ONLY when she needs some kind of help which I (stupidly) give ALL THE TIME. Other than that I don’t hear from her.

Honestly? My address book is getting emptier and emptier. How does it get to this? I wanted to do something fun this weekend and I realised that there is nobody to invite because everyone (except for Friend C who is currently driving me batty) has just been too busy for me??? How on earth does something like this happen? How is it that I am nearly 33 and still struggling with stupid things like this?

I do enjoy the company of my DH very much. He is my BFF and my soul mate. However. It’s not the same as having a good girlfriend.

I don’t have many friends. I struggle to make friends because, even though it may not come across on this blog, I am actually very shy irl and it does take me a while to warm up to people.  I am also very private and very selective about who I allow in my space.  When I do let someone in, I give them my all.

Maybe this is the problem. The fact that I assume that they would naturally feel inclined to do the same? I understand that people view friendships differently. I also understand that something (within the context of a friendship) that I may perceive as important may not be as important to the next person.

Fact is, I crave contact (in the physical sense) and I crave deep connection. And I need for it to be mutual. I speak to each one of these people in their respective love languages. Nobody appears to even make an ounce of an effort to determine mine.

And yes, I know that there are different friends for different things i.e. tea drinking friends, movie friends, wine-drinking friends, online friends, shopping friends and deep connection type friends. Today this fact does not making me feel any better.

I also know that life is busy and that families and jobs and routines can get in the way of friendship. However, despite this also being an issue in my life, I do make an effort. I even have a spreadsheet. OCD much?

My requirements are very simple (well, I like to think so):

I need physical contact i.e. we could go for breakfast or coffee or even a walk.

I need no judgement of choices that I have or have not made. I don’t judge any of my friends and trust me, there are some stories that will make your hair stand up!

I need for them to not just trust me with their sordid secrets (this is so draining and sometimes puts me in a difficult position – nevertheless, I am still there for them) but also with regular everyday stuff like “I had some good sushi at XYZ restaurant” or “this new green tea that I’ve bought tastes really KAK” or “how did Joel’s speech therapy session go” or whatever.

I need a phone call on my birthday – presents not mandatory though it’s always nice to receive something. I really just want some of their time.

I need them to be interested in ME. Not my kids. Not my job. ME. Can you believe that not one of the people who I have listed know that I am trying to lose weight? OR that I am trying to improve my quality of life? Or that I love a rare steak? Or that I am looking for a new school for my Toddler?

Honestly? I feel like writing all of them off because I am VERY tired of having to be the “lighthouse keeper” in the various relationships. I really need a whole lot more than I am currently getting.

And quite frankly, I have just about had enough. And I know that I deserve a lot more than I am getting.

Of writing and blogging

Earlier today I was rereading some of my posts in Google Reader (I do subscribe to myself btw…I think I’m worth it) and I simply LOVED the comments that came out of this post and I found them to be quite an eye-opener.

Thank you so much for sharing WHY you write. I love that we all do it for very different reasons but that ultimately it does boil down to the fact that we LOVE community and the support and connection that comes with it.

I am curious about how your writing ends up as a blog post? Are you constantly on the lookout for things to blog?

I don’t think that I am wearing a “blogging hat” so to speak, but then again maybe I am. I basically blog whatever is in my head (or heart) at the time and occasionally I take my cues from other bloggers. For example, this handwriting piece was inspired by a picture of another bloggers handwriting when she posted a picture of a card that she had sent someone.

None of my posts are planned, though it can take a couple of hours or more for it to show up on this space. Also, I never force myself. If I am not feeling it then I am not feeling it. I must be honest though I have never NOT felt like writing something (except for yesterday) – it is generally part and parcel of my daily routine.

My best writing time is in the mornings. My workday starts at 8am. I arrive at work just before 7am so I basically have a full hour and a bit to have breakfast, catch up on personal emails and write a post or two or three.

I don’t even really plan the structure of the posts. I just write it as though I am sending an email to a friend. I sometimes have an idea of what I am going to post on but mostly I don’t. It really is all about the space I am in at the time. I mostly publish the posts at night when I get home. In this way I have time to change my mind about publishing a particular post (I occasionally write very angry posts) and I also have all day to edit it in my head.

At night I may or may not make small changes and then I will either go ahead and publish or I will just keep it saved in drafts for another day.

I very seldom do any writing at night or on the weekends but if I really feel for it then I just go with it to get it out of my system. Occasionally if I need to then I may write something during my workday as well. I try not to do this but sometimes it just HAS to happen at THAT VERY MOMENT.

I do occasionally record some ideas of blogging topics when something pops into my mind. Usually in a little notebook when I’m not at a computer.

So. How do you write? Do you have a process? IF so, what is your process? Are you wearing a “blogging hat?”