We took Child1 to school – he was sad because he really loved his teacher and couldn’t understand WHY she had to go and have a baby now. Gosh, I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t exactly tell him that the situation irritated me too.

So I told him that “life is life, na na nana na” and that he needed to deal with the issue, get over himself and make the best of the situation, because the new teacher would feel very bad if he didn’t make her feel welcome.  He came home and told me that she was an old woman (according to him she looks like she could be about 90) and that she was very kind and funny and that he was happy. So far so good.

We also took Child2 to the school that I don’t want him to attend so that his two weeks of observation could start. I tried to prepare him for it all weekend. He asked me about it all the time. And I repeated our routine all the time. This was what I said to him. ALL THE TIME.

Me:  On Monday morning, you will wake up even though it’s still dark outside. I will put on the TV and you can sit on the couch under the blanket and have your toast and water.  When you have finished eating, you will take a quick bath,  and as soon as you are done we’ll dress you in your blue corduroy pants and your red long-sleeved top with the truck picture on the front. You can wear your wellies if you want to, even if it doesn’t rain and we can put on your ben10 socks and underpants too.  And your new favourite blue and grey hoodie jacket.  Are you still happy with your choice of outfit?

Child2: Yes Aunty Julia. Want to wear boots.

Me: OK, you can wear your boots (btw…I can’t say wellies, I MUST say boots).

ME: Once you have finished dressing yourself, Mommy will help you to brush your teeth. After that, we will take your new pink lunchbox out of the fridge and put it in your bag. Do you remember what we packed in your new pink lunch box?

Child2:  muffin and vienna and cheese. And apple. And yoghurt. And water.

Me: Clever boy! You remember so well.

Child2: You have to clap your hands for me.

Me:  *claps hands for child2*

ME: So once your bag is packed, we will get into the car and then we will take your brother to school.  Then Daddy and I will take you to Alice. You will stay with Alice for a short while and she will play some fun games with you.

Child2: Want to say hello to the bunnies.

Me:  Daddy and I will fetch you from Alice and then we will take you to say hello to the bunnies. Then we’ll go to Sheila. We will leave you with Sheila and then after a few hours, we will fetch your brother. As soon as we have collected  your brother we will fetch you and then we will all go home.

The part that is highlighted in purple needed to be repeated at least 17 times. I was exhausted. But I repeated it. Because it was what he needed to feel prepared.

Anyway, the routine ran smoothly and everything happened EXACTLY the way I told him it would, which in turn meant that he was prepared and not anxious at all. Quite honestly, it went REALLY well.

We dropped him, I briefly chatted to his team (he has a TEAM of professionals observing him. Can you handle that?), I walked out. And then I broke down and cried a few buckets because I still find it hard to believe it sometimes.

I am so glad that I wasn’t alone and that my DH was with me.

We ended up having a lovely day together which included bookshop browsing, a long, long, long beach walk and coffee and cheesecake. The weather was gorgeous and we made the most of it. I also ended up going to the Dermo Dr to have a mole removed – I have been putting it off and postponing for weeks. It was fine. I LOVED the Dermo and would go back to him anytime.

The routine changed slightly today as my Dad took  him in and will be doing this in the mornings for the next two weeks. It all went perfectly and my Dad, knowing that I was probably anxious sent me a text as soon as it was all done to tell me that it went perfectly. Sjoe. What a relief.

Do your kids also need to be prepared to the nth degree for EVERY SINGLE NEW SITUATION?

Gosh. I find it all exhausting and it does make it difficult for us to be spontaneous and impromptu. But, at least it means NO MELTDOWN.

How are you doing and how was your Tuesday?

I have been a bit on the busy side. So busy that I haven’t really been reading blogs or commenting. In fact, I’ve hardly been online.  I even have unanswered emails – soooooo unlike me. I did a bit of a catch up today though and I feel a bit better.

My NBL put me on a new account at work (just for this month) which has been super interesting. I LOVE learning new stuff and it’s kept me very busy, which is lovely. I needed to be challenged – she could see that I was bored and ready to stick some pens in my eyes. Let’s see what happens next month.

My home life has been busy too. My husband has been working late and so I’ve been a Single Married Mom, very busy with ridiculous projects with Child1 and helping him to study – his entire exam takes place within one week starting on 27 May. I’ve also been trying to prepare him for tomorrow when the new teacher starts. And I’ve been trying to (unsuccessfully) prepare Child2 for the next two weeks.. He’s going to this school that I don’t want him to go to for some observation. I don’t think he’s understanding that life is going to be a bit different for the next two weeks. HE does not appear to grasp this.  AT ALL. So, fun times ahead in this house.

People around me are having lots of problems too. Some friends. Some family. I don’t get involved but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect me. I am a feeler after all. Terrible, but true.

And between all of this I have been catching up on sleep, on reading,  and watching House. I LOVE House. Do you watch House? I think he’s really cool but I would NOT be able to cope with him as my Dr.

Anyway. That’s where I’m at right now. I spent the day nursing Child2 because he’s not hundreds. There’s this cough and fever thing that he has going. Can’t have him getting sick now. I think he’s getting better because he just screamed at Child1 (who is being himself and trying to nurture his sick brother) to leave him alone to watch his Barney and go and tidy up the bedroom! I tried to keep a straight face but I couldn’t.

I hope that you are well. And I hope that you will have a fantastic week.

Bags and lunches and clothing are all sorted for tomorrow and so it’s all systems go.  Am going to test Child1 quickly and then I’m off to bed with my book.

How was your weekend? What’s happening in your life?

She wrote a beautiful, eloquent piece in the NY Times (you can read it here) where she explains how and why she made the decision that she did. I think she’s very, very brave.

I actually learnt a lot about Breast Cancer today. One can have yourself tested for a particular gene mutation (it’s called  BRCA1) that will determine your chances of breast cancer. Ms Jolie has breast cancer in her genetics and based on her test result, she had an 87% chance of getting it. After watching her Mom die from this disease she did a lot of thinking and came to her decision, a decision which has now reduced her chances of getting breast cancer to 5%. If anything, her decision to be open about it has done wonders to raise awareness for breast cancer and for taking preventative measures.

What struck the me most were the reasons for her decision. Of course she did it for herself and for her partner but her main reason? Motherhood.

She does not want her children to have to go through losing her to cancer and she would (obviously) like to be healthy for as long as possible for them.

I wondered today if I would be able to do the same thing. And then I realised that I ABSOLUTELY would do the same thing if I needed to.

Of course I want to be as healthy as possible for a long, long time. And of course I want to be alive for as long as possible. Not just for me but for my kids. Motherhood does not always treat me well and more often than not, I simply don’t like it. But I DO love and enjoy my kids very much.  For a chance to have more time with them I would ABSOLUTELY NOT  hesitate to do something as drastic as she’s done. I would amputate a limb if I needed  to, I would remove body parts if I needed to and I would even wear a poo bag (well hopefully it will never be necessary). Just for the chance to have more time with them.

Because, honestly? They are my entire world. And I would never want them to see me die a slow, painful death that can possibly be prevented.

How about you? Would you do something radical (medically speaking) to have more time with your kids? Are you all about fate and destiny, even if it means preventing a premature death?

These are getting easier for Child2. Or maybe I am just being clever and more intentional about the type of events that I RSVP for. I find that Child2 copes better with outdoor events than indoor events,  so I suspect we are not going to be going to any parties during the winter months. It’s just easier for both of us that way. The party that I took him to this past weekend was at a stunning outdoor venue and he had a REALLY good time. Maybe because of all the open space, maybe because he adores the birthday girl (I have been hearing about her every single day for about 6 months!), maybe he’s just growing up. I had a good time too and  I actually socialised with the other Mommies which I am usually loathe to do. I have to say though that it makes life soooooo much easier when we know exactly what the issues are and what to expect/avoid etc. 

Mothers Day:

Was cool. My kids were divine and sooooo excited to treat me.  They forget that this is nothing new – they make breakfast for me (with their Dad) every single weekend!  But because it was Mothers Day, it somehow added an element of excitement.  Lunch was with my parents – we cooked for my Mother. I then came home to take a glorious nap while my Boyfriend took the kids to MIL. My Boyfriend got it just right with the gifts btw. I now have 3 more Deon Meyer novels on my kindle all waiting to be devoured.  I am officially a Deon Meyer groupie so this was the best present EVER.  How was your Mother’s Day?

MIL: 

She’s getting healthier and is looking really well.  She appears to be taking her health quite seriously and so we are slowly exhaling. It seems like things are settling down with her. Long may it last.

Petrol: 

The vehicle that I’m using requires an engine overhaul. I’m not complaining because it’s still WAY WAY cheaper than buying a new car. This (engine overhaul) will happen soon enough – or rather as soon as I can come up with an alternative transport arrangement – at this stage it looks like I’m going to have to hire a vehicle. Anyway. While this hasn’t happened yet, I am needing put in A LOT more petrol.  Financially this is killing me sooooo dead! Am I allowed to ask what you spend every month on petrol?  Last month I spent a cool R3k. That is WAY too much – my kids schools and my workplace are in the same area, approximately 10km from our home and we haven’t been driving a lot over the weekends. Sjoe. My nerves can no longer handle the money stuff and all the surprise elements that are part and parcel of it all!

Clothing: 

I seem to not have anything to wear these days. I have become one of those women who stand in front of my cupboard and say “I have nothing to wear” and I have to say that it is incredibly frustrating. I have loads of boots but no clothing. How is something like this even possible? I did a clothing declutter last year but I didn’t get rid of any winter clothing. How does ones clothing just disappear? Do you have that fairy coming into your cupboard too?

Twitter:

Twitter is draining me and so I’ve hardly been on. So much cattiness. So much of sub-tweeting, so much of aggression. Gosh. Life must be really hard if people are waking up so very angry? Btw…I have never sent a sub-tweet in my life. I am more likely to tell someone directly if they are annoying me. It can be done. Really. And what is the deal with calling someone else STUPID if their opinion differs to yours? Oy.  I used to be a bit of a spelling/grammar nazi in my past.  Well, I wasn’t obvious about it – you would NEVER have found me calling someone out on it so publicly. Then my context changed. I had kids who struggled with many, many things – things beyond their control and things that we had to pay a therapist to fix.  And I realised that many people (even adults) are dyslexic and have various things that they struggle with too.  Also, a number of people don’t tweet/fb etc in their first language.  So, my advice would be to get over it. People are going to make grammar/spelling errors. Smile and wave, or even better, just move on already!

Enough of that now. How are you? How was your Monday?

If you have kids, you will know that Motherhood changes every single aspect of your life and one of the biggest changes comes in the area of friendships.  I have found that there is a period of adjustment within friendships after you have a baby. I have also found that those who WANT to be in your life WILL be in your life. Kids or not. They will wait for you to be ready and if you are taking too long to be ready then they will just pitch up and tell you that it’s time.

Motherhood has done good and bad things for my friendships.

Motherhood made me feel isolated and lonely when I first had Child1. I was a young Mom and knew no one my age who had kids. All these other Moms at the PTA were much older, somewhat intimidating and VERY together. Or perhaps that was just my perception at the time. Point is. I had ZERO friends when I first had a child.

Motherhood lost me a few friends which often happens when people are in different life stages. I had a kid. Everyone was partying and soooo not interested in my childs bowel movements. Quite honestly, I do not blame them, even though it really upset my world while it was happening.

Motherhood was a big help when I needed to make new friends because it’s an AWESOME thing to have in common with someone else.  So yes, it helped me to make new friends. Specifically with other Mothers. And ESPECIALLY online. I have more Mommy friends online than IRL. I am not sure if that’s even OK but it does make me VERY happy.

Motherhood occasionally made me feel inadequate within my friendships.  Especially with my friends who have “normal” kids. Especially with the whole “different kids” thing. And it made me feel judged by others who I thought were my friends. Because I’m not exactly sheep-like, I don’t read books, I rely on instinct more than anything and I really have no issues with my kids playing with my make-up.

More than anything though, Motherhood has shown me who my real friends are. It has brought the most amazing friends into my life. Friends who affirm me. Friends who just get it. Friends who will come and fetch me so I can have a break from my kids. Friends who will google things about my kids that I am too afraid to google. Friends who (despite being childless) actually WANT to come over when my DH is away DURING THE SUICIDE HOUR to help me out, and to stand ready with a glass of wine when the kids are in bed. Friends who don’t judge me when I say that Motherhood is just not all that (for me). Friends who are just there at the drop of a hat. Friends who love me truly, madly, deeply. Friends who LOVE my kids. Friends who just GET my kids. Friends who are prepared to try to understand my life with my particular kids.

I have WAY more friends (real friends) now than I have ever had in my life and I believe that I have Motherhood (among other things) to thank for that.

What has Motherhood done for your friendships?

Have the effects of Motherhood had negative or positive effects on your friendships?

Do you have more friends now that you are a Mom?

And if you are not a Mom, how does it affect your friendship when one of your friends have kids?

We went to a place that many people rave about. It’s a lovely place in a gorgeous setting – it has beautiful views, overlooks the ocean and has glorious natural sunlight coming into the venue. One can actually smell the sea air in the place.

Anyway. We got really bad service at this place that everyone just absolutely loves. Doesn’t it just annoy you when everyone and his dog raves about something and then you find it overrated?

Let’s just say that there was no tip for the waiter because quite frankly, I would still be waiting for him if I didn’t actually get up and ask him to come on over to our table approximately 4 (yes, that’s FOUR) times while we were there.

The food was very nice – I don’t expect anything less with those prices. But the service was the worst I have experienced in a very, VERY long time. I know that I will never go there again.

So I was chatting to Friend E about this other day. He had previously raved about this place as well. I told him that I thought the place was rubbish even though both the setting and the food were fabulous.

He told me that he didn’t get such hot service there either – all 5 times that he’d previously been there. But that the food was DIVINE. And that it was the food that made him go back there and NOT the service.

Well. I am different.  Of course I do mind if the food is poor. I really don’t like paying for rubbish food in a restaurant. However, I can send it back until they get it right. I guess I am saying that it’s not the food that will keep me away – unless it is SERIOUSLY old and disgusting or still alive or something. I am more likely to avoid a place due to poor service than due to food that is not that awesome but generally OK.

if the service is brilliant and out of this world, then I will actually go back and give the establishment another chance, despite the fact that the food is not that hot.

Ultimately, the level of service that I receive will determine whether I go back to a place or not and the level of service is what will determine where I take my business.  For me, poor service is the bigger deal breaker than not-so-awesome food.

How about you? What would you consider to be more of a deal breaker?  

Bad food or poor service?

I purposefully didn’t hang out on Twitter during that period because I knew that the overload of information would overwhelm me. I kept up by reading snippets of updates here and there and this worked really well for my mental health.

During times of tragedy I am usually fascinated by the people dynamics.  How strangers come together to help one another, how volunteers just come from nowhere and say “I am here to help in whichever way you need – use me”.

I loved reading about how people turned their homes into makeshift surgeries.  I loved reading about how a Dr who had just finished her race just jumped in and started to treat the victims. I loved reading about how strangers jumped in to help with wound management, using blankets and their t-shirts to stop bleeding.

At the core of it, I guess I am a sucker for stories that show the how people rise up despite adversity.  How people just jump in and help.  Stories that show only love and compassion in the details.  Stories that say “ we’ve got this”.

Sometimes it takes absolute devastation and pure ugliness for us to see how AWESOME humans really are. Sad but true.

Anyway.

I listened to Obama speak to the American people a few hours after the incident.

It was a short speech and I don’t have the exact text, but he said something to the effect of “we mourn with you, we are angry, we WILL find them, they WILL face the law, DO NOT jump to conclusions”.

I loved what he said and how he addressed the people. He was short, sweet, to-the-point and very, VERY reassuring.  He spoke like someone who had it under control. He spoke like someone who knew EXACTLY what was going on – someone who was in the loop. It felt like I was listening to my Dad speaking taking charge and speaking during a family crisis.

And while I watched him I have to admit that I wondered how Zuma would have reacted and what he would have said if something like that had to happen in South Africa.

Would he have been embarrassing? Would he have giggled? Would he have fumbled over his words? Would he have blamed abc and d? Would he have been “out of the country” the way he usually is when there is a crisis?  A lady in my office is convinced that he would have gone home for some dot dot dot first.

I listened to the eloquent Obama who really is such a brilliant, gifted orator. There is not a single world leader who makes me sit up and actually pay attention the way he does. Who seems to have that gift of the gab.  Who quite literally grabs me and seduces me with words and body language.  Who inspires and motivates and who makes you WANT to do good things to help your country. Who is a proper sales person – because ultimately, that is what the face of a political party is – a sales person.

I guess this is more of a big deal for me because I am a words person.

While I was listening to that address, I felt some very serious leadership envy.  Actually, whenever I listen to him I have severe leadership envy.  It’s because he knows exactly how to use his words. He knows exactly how to engage the people. And he doesn’t even have to dance!  THAT is the kind of leader that I want.

Also, I felt some police envy. Because there were 9000 policemen chasing a 19-year old. They were briefed by their VERY STRONG leadership and they delivered.  They were trusted by the public to DO THEIR JOBS and they delivered.

In all fairness, I have never ever received poor service from SAPS when I was a victim of crime.  However, I know of too many people who DO receive poor service from SAPS when they are vulnerable and at their lowest point because of crimes committed against them.

Seriously people. Nine thousand (9000!) policemen chasing ONE puny little punk.  Can you imagine our South African Police Services coming to the party like that? Can you actually imagine a crime-free existence because of a police force like that? An existence on the Cape Flats without any gangs/drugs because of the fact that the police are not just invited to the party but actually PITCH up and are READY TO PARTY?

I know that I shouldn’t compare. We are a different country with a different dynamic.  We have a different history, we have different problems. But I can’t help it.

I have some serious leadership envy. And police envy.  Because as horrible as the Boston bombings were, all that they have done is to highlight our shortcomings wrt leadership and police. Here’s a really cool piece that I bookmarked a few weeks ago. It says all of this soooo much better.

Do you often look at other countries and how flawlessly some of their basic services are run and say “I wish?” 

How do you think our president would have reacted if (God forbid) something similar had happened here?

I made a mental note of the date, time and venue and put the invitation in a safe place. I discussed it with my DH and we decided that we would all go to the party as the venue has a coffee shop attached. So basically, Child2 along with one of us would be at the party and Child 1 along with one of us would hang out in the coffee shop. My DH and I had plans to take turns with each kid.

After we made our decision (in the same week that we received the invitation), I decided to RSVP. BUT. I could not remember what I had done with the invitation. I know that I put it in a safe place. But I could not remember WHICH safe place. I don’t know about you but I have PLENTY of safe places because as far as I’m concerned, with kids, one can never have too many of those safe places.

So, for a couple of days I turned my house upside down trying to find this invitation. I cleaned my car in search of the invitation. I searched in ALL the bags that I used that week. I even looked in my purse!  Of course when something like this happens then it’s kind of awesome because you are FORCED to clean up, yes? Well. While it’s happening then it’s not awesome at all – it’s actually HIGHLY annoying and EXTREMELY frustrating.

I decided on Thursday last week that I would speak to Child2’s teacher and get the contact details for the birthday girls Mom so I could call and RSVP.

However, the Mom beat me to this and got my details from the teacher instead. She messaged me to ask if Child2 would be coming to the party.

I was MORTIFIED! I have never needed to be asked to RSVP for a kids party before and I know just how uptight Mommies get about this kind of thing.  I was so, so embarrassed!

Anyway, I explained that I had lost the invite and that I was going to call her as soon as I got her details from the teacher and that yes, we would be coming.

She was really sweet about it and emailed me another invite which I subsequently SAVED on my desktop. That same Thursday  I got my A into G and wrapped the present and everything. Later this week we’ll make a card.

And so we are ready and hoping that Child2 doesn’t go all weird on us at the party. It’s at an outside venue so I think he’ll be OK.

Have you ever been THAT parent? The one who has to be called to RSVP?

And do you have many SAFE PLACES where you put things that still need to be action-ed?

It was filled with lots of impromptu which always makes me happy. As much as I enjoy a planned affair, I always enjoy an impromptu affair so much more.  My DH does not like impromptu very much and our kids also require A LOT of preparation BEFOREHAND, so this does make it quite hard for us to have an impromptu/ lock-up-and-go kind of lifestyle.

We decided on Saturday morning to attend a fundraiser at Child2’s school.

Btw we are those parents who never attend fundraisers, especially if they take place on the weekends. I know it’s bad but I honestly have no guilt about it.  I usually send a donation or something (maybe) which may explain why I feel no guilt. Besides, Child2 doesn’t really cope well with the crowds and so on.

Anyway. There was a bit of forward thinking involved in this one – we were looking at cheap entertainment that included dinner.

We got to the school and Child2 started to scream. He knew that it was Saturday and that we don’t go to school late in the afternoon. Eventually when he saw that we were staying, he calmed down and went to go and play with his friends and his teacher.

It was our first time playing Bingo and we were lucky enough to win some really cool prizes.  Some people are quite serious about their bingo (especially the experienced old ladies) and extremely competitive. Was a lot of fun though and it ended nice and early so we were home by 20:30pm.

Yesterday. I made an impulsive purchase. If you know anything about me then you will know that I don’t easily buy things on impulse. Especially expensive things, hence the not so divine part of my weekend because my DH was completely unimpressed with me.  In fact, he was horrified. Even when I explained my vision wrt said impulsive purchase. Even when I told him that I got it at an awesome price that I would never in a million years get again. Eventually he got over it but not until he told me exactly what he thought.

I also got a call from a good friend yesterday. She’s having a birthday today and was feeling a bit lonely and wanted to go and have a pre-celebration drink. Of course I said yes. So she fetched me and we spent the afternoon together which I really enjoyed very much. We had loads of conversations about friendship – she’s where I was 2 years ago, and it was sooooo awesome to share my friendship journey and insights. We made a friends list there and then which she’ll put on a spreadsheet.

I didn’t get much sleep this past weekend which is probably why I am feeling extremely knackered at the moment. Saturday night the dogs in our street were having a barking competition and last night I was exhausted and just couldn’t fall asleep so ended up going to bed WAY TOO LATE. I did manage to finish one and a half books though so that’s all good. Sjoe. But Deon Meyer keeps me at the edge of my bed – I am officially a fan and I’m about to buy two more of his novels.

This week I have a lot of admin to sort out and I need to clean this house that is driving me insane! In fact, I started to clean my room this evening and it’s at the stage where it’s at the worst part before it gets better. Am trying not to twitch. But. I’m going back to cleaning it just now when I finishing publishing this post.

What does your week ahead look like?

Are you good at being impromptu? Are you impulsive with purchases?

Do you attend school functions (including fundraisers) if they take place on a weekend?

I think that we forget sometimes that our friends can also do despicable things, not necessarily to us, but to others. Can you imagine the betrayal that this writer must feel? Can you imagine one of your closest friends doing something so wrong that you just can’t fathom what could possibly be going on in their heads? Can you imagine not being able to look your friend in the eye because of a wrong choice that they have made? Can you imagine feeling like you really have no clue about who someone is?

A few weeks ago I blogged about the fact that my DH is not comfortable with me pursuing a friendship with an ex-partner of his friend. There were varied opinions in the comments (all fantastic food-for-thought – THANK YOU) but I feel that I may have been unfair to my DH by not explaining exactly why my DH feels the way he does. I will be as brief as possible because it’s not my story to tell.  I refer to the relevant parties in this post as A and B, so here we go:

A = my DH’s friend.  Or rather, our friend. They go way back (since school days) and they have a really cool, fun friendship. I love him dearly. Always have. Always will.

B = A’s former partner. I liked her but it wasn’t that big a deal to me when she was no longer in our lives.

To cut a long story short, they were in a relationship, she did something very wrong (let’s just say that there was a 3rd party involved), they had an acrimonious break-up, our friend A was devastated. My DH and I had to babysit him regularly during that period.

I had many opinions on that matter but at the time it wasn’t my place to say anything. In fact, it simply wasn’t my business.  I feel that it still isn’t my business. Both A and B have now moved on. We all have.  We still see A quite regularly. And of course I wrote a post about wanting to resume a friendship with B.

My DH is of the view that me being friends with B is a betrayal to A. He continues to remind me of a heartbroken A (who contributed to their break-up in his own way, but of course I’m not allowed to say that) – our argument about this goes back and forth and for now I’ve decided to just leave it for a bit.

My DH says: “I can’t understand why you would want to be friends with someone who can do a thing  like that”.

Now THIS is where my problem lies.

I feel that A and B are adults who have both moved on. I feel that both parties contributed to the relationship breakdown.  I feel that it is NOT my place to judge B. I feel that everyone makes mistakes.  I really do not care what people do, if I feel a connection with them I will go with it. I am not God.  I will leave the judging up to Him. The only time that I will not befriend a “sinner” (oh my gosh, I really cannot think of a better word in this context) is if they hurt kids or animals or if they are rapists – it may not come across that way but I actually do have limitations and boundaries.

Also. There is one more thing that my DH fails to understand – and this is a key point:

Me deciding to NOT judge B for doing what she did does NOT mean that I condone her actions.

It doesn’t mean that I’m OK with what she did. It simply means that I’m prepared to look past it (mainly because it wasn’t me that she hurt) and move on. I’m prepared to focus on her good bits. I’m prepared to accept that there are TWO sides to the story and not just A’s side of the story. Quite honestly, I don’t even want to know what really went down. I know that B won’t share it with me and if she feels the need to explain herself then I plan to tell her that I don’t want to know.  She could have decided to involve me in it at the time – people like talking to me about the  stupid, wrong things that they did – probably because they know that I won’t judge them.

I’m happy with the fact that she respected me enough to leave me out of it while it was going down.  Quite frankly, I don’t want the “whole” B in my life. I want the only the part of B who is a Mom to a special needs kid. I’m not interested in any of the other parts as they don’t serve me in any way.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this:

B made a choice a few years ago. I am respecting her choice. I will not judge her choice because it’s not my place to do so and in hindsight, she made a damn good choice – she’s really happy in her life. I do not condone her past behaviour.  But I can look past it and me doing this doesn’t mean that I’m saying that it was OK. I have done some pretty bad things in my life as well. I wonder where I would be if I had friends who couldn’t be there for me when I was stupid. Or friends who could not see ME but ONLY the wrong thing that I did.  

I asked A how he felt about me being friendly with B. He told me that he would be OK with it, as long as he didn’t see her. I think that’s fair.

So today, this is my question to you:

Have you ever been in a situation where a friend of yours made a poor/wrong choice?

Do you stay away and judge right along with everyone else who doesn’t truly know what went down? Because let’s face it. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Do you recognise that often a poor choice is an underlying cry for help?

Do you often judge choices that your friends make, especially if they are not choices that you don’t agree with?

Have you been in a situation where a friend has judged your poor/wrong choices?