What would you do?

SO I logged into twitter this morning (as you do while waiting in a bit of traffic) and I saw the headlines that Angelina Jolie had undergone a double mastectomy in order to significantly reduce her chances of breast cancer.

She wrote a beautiful, eloquent piece in the NY Times (you can read it here) where she explains how and why she made the decision that she did. I think she’s very, very brave.

I actually learnt a lot about Breast Cancer today. One can have yourself tested for a particular gene mutation (it’s called  BRCA1) that will determine your chances of breast cancer. Ms Jolie has breast cancer in her genetics and based on her test result, she had an 87% chance of getting it. After watching her Mom die from this disease she did a lot of thinking and came to her decision, a decision which has now reduced her chances of getting breast cancer to 5%. If anything, her decision to be open about it has done wonders to raise awareness for breast cancer and for taking preventative measures.

What struck the me most were the reasons for her decision. Of course she did it for herself and for her partner but her main reason? Motherhood.

She does not want her children to have to go through losing her to cancer and she would (obviously) like to be healthy for as long as possible for them.

I wondered today if I would be able to do the same thing. And then I realised that I ABSOLUTELY would do the same thing if I needed to.

Of course I want to be as healthy as possible for a long, long time. And of course I want to be alive for as long as possible. Not just for me but for my kids. Motherhood does not always treat me well and more often than not, I simply don’t like it. But I DO love and enjoy my kids very much.  For a chance to have more time with them I would ABSOLUTELY NOT  hesitate to do something as drastic as she’s done. I would amputate a limb if I needed  to, I would remove body parts if I needed to and I would even wear a poo bag (well hopefully it will never be necessary). Just for the chance to have more time with them.

Because, honestly? They are my entire world. And I would never want them to see me die a slow, painful death that can possibly be prevented.

How about you? Would you do something radical (medically speaking) to have more time with your kids? Are you all about fate and destiny, even if it means preventing a premature death?

We really are googling retirement villages.

When I told people yesterday that my Boyfriend and I were scouting retirement villages (for ourselves) they just could not stop laughing. They were literally rolling on the floor laughing.

Seriously. It was like the biggest joke for a long time.

I told them that we don’t want to burden our kids and that we are under no misconceptions about getting old.

We accept that we may need some physical and medical help.

We accept that our kids will have their own lives – gosh, we really hope to NOT have them as dependents when we are old!

We accept that we may want to socialise with our age group in a safe environment.  In an environment that makes provision for wheelchairs etc. Maybe we’ll still be strong enough to travel.  I am pretty sure we’ll do things that old people enjoy doing.  My Boyfriend and I often joke that we’ll probably join the bowling club  - we call it “ou mens marbles” (old peoples marbles) here on the Cape Flats. We often joke that we will sit on our porch and talk about the “children of today” –  me with my knitting (and my G&T) and him with his pipe.

Fact is, we are going to get old and we both believe that it is not only our financials that need to be provided for but also the practical things like living arrangements and medical care. I just LOVE that we are on the same page about this.

So we are looking at the bigger picture. Thinking ahead. Getting an idea of what it will cost. Making a projection or two. Adding suggestions of places to a list that we’ll keep adding to.

Obviously we would LOVE LOVE LOVE to buy a beach house at Paternoster. But, that is not really practical. Paternoster is a bit hilly and doesn’t really cater for wheelchairs. Also, the hospitals are not too close by. And the WIFI signal is apparently dodge. I did check.

We now have first-hand experience of dealing with a stubborn old goat who expects certain things from her kids.  Things that her kids can’t provide. We simply do not want a repeat of that. Not for ourselves, not for our kids.

We are breaking that cycle. That cycle of the poverty mentality that a number of coloured people (I refer to coloured people because this is my context – I don’t know any other context) seem to have, where they somehow believe that one has kids as a form of pension fund. That is not why we decided to have kids and we NEVER want our  kids to feel like they are somehow responsible for us. That they need to stop their lives and compromise themselves and their families to take care of us.  We NEVER want them to feel like they somehow owe us for their very being. Quite honestly, we simply don’t  want to be a burden to them.

So. The search goes on. We are googling retirement villages. And we may even check if there are waiting lists that we need to put our names on.

Do you find that weird? Or odd?

Do you have plans for when you retire and for if you may need a bit of care?

Right now I am off to bed. We are having the most divine stormy weather in CT. And we had salt and vinegar fish and chips for dinner. Life is pretty perfect right now. How are you doing today?

Decisions, decisions.

I have had to make a few big decisions lately.

For the most part, I go with my gut when I need to make a decision. My instincts have never let me down (except once or twice in my entire life – and both times this happened when I wasn’t having enough quiet time in my life) and they are usually about 98% spot on.  So I am generally happy to go with my gut feel and yes, I do make decisions based on feelings. I am one of those annoying types who “listen to my heart” and all of that.

Having said that, I do tend to look at the bigger picture which often puts a lot into perspective and in some ways makes it easier.  Or even harder, depending on the situation. And I make sure that I have a plan for every possible consequence of my decision.

Sometimes, if my feelings are not playing along, then I work on facts. Depending on the situation, this may or may not work out. Fact is, in my world there is no such thing as a black and white situation. In my world there has NEVER been such a thing as a black and white situation – it simply doesn’t exist for me. There are always many, many shades of grey.

I am currently in a situation where I need to make a big decision. My instincts are shouting loudly about this decision and it’s one that I’m extremely comfortable with. However, this decision affects Child2 and his future and so it needs to be an informed one. Therefore, in addition to my instincts (did I mention how loudly they are shouting?)  I am also working with facts and professional opinions.

Thing is, I know my child better than any professional.  The professional  spends a small amount of time with him and make decisions and findings based on what has been observed within that short time period.

My child needs to trust you before he will play your games. Or talk to you. Or shake your hand. Or laugh at your jokes. That’s who he is. All the professionals that I work with find this difficult to grasp. I am more likely to trust the opinion of my child’s teacher because she spends A LOT of time with him (sadly, more than me) and he trusts her implicitly. He will do things for her that he won’t do for me or for the professional who I pay good money to for an opinion.

So I am back at the drawing board. I am trying to not only rely solely on my instincts. I am making lists. Pros and cons. I am crunching the numbers which are not really adding up. I am making arrangements and setting up meetings to speak to other parents who find themselves in similar situations. I am visualising how I see my child in future which is proving difficult because I really do not know what the future holds for a child like him within our context.  I am making notes on how to best achieve what I have in my vision.  And I am hoping and praying for the best possible outcome – no matter what my decision will be.

Do you find it hard to make big decisions?

Do you have a process?

What is your preferred process when it comes to decision-making?

Are you more of a “trust-your-gut” kind of decision-maker as opposed to a “what-do-the-facts-say” decision maker?

Are you very black and white in your thinking?

I usually enjoy the first quarter of the year

…because it’s beautiful and fresh and has so much promise. The possibilities are endless. It’s a clean slate and everything is just so shiny and new.

I ease myself into it. I make plans for the rest of the year. I start to put things in motion to make these plans a reality. I swim a lot because I find it’s too hot to run. There are a number of socials. Braais. Chilled wines. Family affairs. Fun outdoor activities with the kids. Picnics. Running through sprinklers.

My kids do really well in nature and so my little family thrives during the summer months.

However the first quarter of 2013 has well and truly kicked my butt.

To say that it has been difficult would be an understatement. It’s been horrific. It’s been terrifying. It has been damn hard. A struggle for survival. A struggle to just stay afloat.

There has been family drama. There were painful events that forced me to put some serious boundaries in place. There was school stress and money stress and work stress. We had a  spot of regression with Child2  and I was forced to face a few harsh realities. There was a fair amount of exposure and vulnerability. There was judgement leveled at me from all sides and again, I was forced to set more boundaries. There was sickness and the aftermath  thereof which placed great strain on my marriage and which, to this day, continues to cause more and more stress in my family life.

There was tremendous anxiety – the worst that I’ve suffered in YEARS – I have a post on this in drafts. And there were just way too many tears.

And truthfully, there has been ZERO restoration. ZERO. Nothing. Nada. Niks.

Because, quite honestly, I feel like I just can’t breathe. There is so much noise  and so much STUFF. How can I even begin to work on restoration in various areas of my life if I can barely sit still and breathe? If I live in a state of anxiety and fear? IF I’m essentially living on adrenaline and constantly in flight/fight mode? If it’s just one thing after another?

There are moments of beauty too. Of bravery. Of silly fun. Of pure, unadulterated bliss. Of connection. These moments are fleeting, but they are there. 

I live for these moments. I look forward to them. I look forward to the rare bit of quiet time. Some time to breathe. Some time to connect. Some time to just BE.

And I have to say that my kids have been troopers through all of this. They have been super stars. It’s like they just know that now is not the time to act out.

So I don’t know what comes next. But I do know that things need to change.

I don’t know where to start exactly but I will start by just being quiet and listening.

Then I will toss every single list that I’ve made and make a new one.

I will take things one day at a time. I will pray more and talk less. I will work on being still and breathing. I will go back to basics. The basics being to take care of myself – I haven’t really been good with that lately.

Because if this first quarter is an indication of what the rest of the year will be like for me then I don’t even want to think about how much trouble I am in.

I am stopping this rubbish in its tracks and I am refusing all the crap RIGHT NOW. I am starting over. I know that it’s better late than never but I have decided that my New Year, or rather my 2013 starts today. Right now.

I am taking it one day at a time. And I am choosing to believe and to have faith that it WILL get better, that things will settle, that restoration in various areas of my life WILL take place.

And if 2013 has been hard for you so far, then you can start over too. Seriously. Happy New Year and all that.

Here’s to a fresh start for you if it’s what you need. Here’s to taking it one day at a time and not forgetting to smell the roses along the way.

Here’s to starting over.

Here’s to LIFE.

Here’s to RESTORATION.

Here’s to the rest of 2013.

Maids and skin problems

I have heard of people who clean their houses the day before their maids return from holiday because they don’t want the maid to see how messy they are.  They don’t want to be judged by the maid and I suppose they don’t want the maid to gossip to her other maid friends about her filthy employers.

Also, they don’t want the maid to see that they can’t really do without her. I always laugh when I hear stories like this.

Because if I know that the maid is coming tomorrow then I will leave the dishes the day before. And I will probably not make up my bed or do the laundry. I do pay her to do a job and I want my money’s worth. This would essentially mean that there needs to be more than enough work for her. But that’s just me. 

Well, right now I’m kind of guilty of something similar.

I am seeing a dermatologist in 2 weeks time to have a mole removed.  I’ve had this mole all my life and my Boyfriend has been asking me for a few years to have it seen to.  I’ve ignored him until now but that’s only because I no longer have a choice – the mole has changed in appearance and colour and has grown. And it’s sore to the touch. When I mentioned this to my parents, they also jumped on the bandwagon and left me no choice.

Anyway. I asked around for a dermatologist. Everyone recommended their dermatologist to me – goodness me, I had no idea that so many people had skin problems. I wanted a female dermatologist (the mole is on my chest and I also don’t like boy Drs) and I found one but when I called, the receptionist sounded very common and I changed my mind about her.

Eventually I settled on an older male dermatologist who has rooms very close to where I work.  I liked the sound of him. His name is Jack and I find that name very attractive in an older man. I know that sounds bad. Three of my colleagues use him and LOVE him and that was all that I needed.  Their skins are looking BEAUTIFUL as well which kind of helps.

As soon as I made the appointment. I suddenly saw all the moles on my skin. There are MANY.  Apparently the skin Dr is going to do a map thingy for the moles. I think I’m going to have to have more removed even though they are not growing or sore or anything. Just in case.

AND my skin started to feel drier than usual. And itchy. My joints are itchy. And the back of my knees, which means that eczema could be flaring up. And so now, because I am going to have to show off my skin to the dermatologist in 2 weeks,  I am taking very good care of it. I don’t want to have to go for all these procedures and have to use all these expensive products! So my skin needs to be in tip-top shape.

I am drinking lots of water, I am doing my 3 steps every night and I am moisturising to within an inch of my life. I even sunscreen every single day now! Not just when I know I’m going to be in the sun or at the beach or whatever. Actually I wear a hat now too! I want to save my skin from any sun exposure for the next 2 weeks.

Because I really don’t want the skin Dr to see that I neglect my skin sometimes!  I’m afraid he will judge me or pass a comment – I would be mortified if he did that!

Is that weird?

What’s your skin looking like these days? Do you see a dermatologist? Any tips for my first visit?

And do you clean your house the day before your maid comes from holiday?

Being competitive on a whole new level

You know those people?

The ones who are always worse off than you?

They ask you how you are doing and maybe you tell them? Then they tell you in great detail about how much worse their lives are?  It’s like they are competing for sympathy or something.

I recently encountered someone like that. It was terrible. I tried to get away. I couldn’t   I listened. And I regretted every minute of it.

Then yesterday I encountered someone like that. AGAIN. Sjoe. I just don’t learn. It happened AGAIN!

I don’t exactly talk about my issues to everyone and I may (depending on who you are) touch on snippets of the not so cool things that are happening. IF they ask, then I may go into more detail. Of course this is purely dependent on who they are and how much warmth and interest they are showing. And then AGAIN, I must hear about the fact that they have so much more crap happening!

It’s like, I mention in passing that I’m on my period and that I’m having tummy cramps. Then they will tell me that they also had these cramps and had to have part of their stomach cut out.

OR I’ll mention that Child1 who has a toothache and that I need to take him to the dentist ASAP because nothing that we are doing works. And then I will hear about your child that had to have his entire top set of teeth extracted because of toothache that was MORE severe than Child1s.

OR I’ll mention about DH who I left at home because he has a headache. Then I will hear about your DH that also has these even worse headaches and that it turned out that he had a back problem that was affecting his head and that part of his frontal lobe had to be removed. Seriously! I don’t know if the intention is to make me feel like I don’t need to worry or that my life is not that bad or something but I find it seriously annoying!

Do you often encounter people who want to compete for sympathy? Do you often encounter people who revel in the fact that their lives are soooooo much harder than yours?

How does one deal with someone who thinks that you and your issues are competing with their (apparently much worse) issues?

Misunderstood

OK. So I feel a bit (actually extremely) misunderstood.

This post  was actually about me.

I explored my feelings about being judged.

I explored my feelings about being between Churches.

I explored my feelings about how difficult it is to walk away from what I perceive to be a HUGE part of my identity. How I realise that I really NEED to walk away but that it’s simply not a black and white situation.

I explored my feelings about people assuming that they know my heart, and assuming that, because I do things a certain way and have been doing things in a specific way, I can’t possibly have what “they” have.

I feel like no one could see my vulnerability in that post. Like no one could see how I really put myself out there with something that is deeply personal to me. Like no one saw that I am really struggling with this. It feels like people made it all about the Catholic Church more than anything. I guess I should have expected that.

My post actually stemmed from someone who judged me and told me that I will never find God there  -  and that I must go somewhere else to “find” Him.  I won’t go into the details here but I will say that things went very pear-shaped after that.

I did ask her how the f*** she would know a thing like that. Sorry. She happened to catch me on a day when PMS and anxiety were competing with one another. I spat fire.

It is for this reason that I never blog (or talk) about Church or God or Religion.  A fellow blogger (who has similar views to me about all things Church) told me once that people never “get” what she’s trying to say and that’s why she no longer blogs about that. I get it now.

I have visited 6 different Churches in the last 3 months and I actually wrote up a series of posts called “Julia finds a Church”.  I don’t think I will publish it after all.

Thank you for your comments though. And for being kind with your words.

 

Yes, I am Catholic. It makes me happy.

So when I go to a different church I never leave my details. I actually leave straight afterwards. I don’t even socialise with the community.

I don’t want to be harassed called and I don’t want too many questions about where I am at wrt my spirituality – I feel that this is a private matter.

In the last few weeks while I have been Church shopping, I have left my details and I have socialised afterwards. For no particular reason or anything. Just because I had some time to kill after the service and, because I am shopping, so I feel that I need to get a feel for the type of community that I’m possibly going to be worshiping in.

There is a question that the people on the “let’s-bring-more-people-into-our-Church” committee always ask me:

Which church do you come from?

I tell them that I am a Catholic.

Then I watch them squirm. And fumble/stumble over their words. I watch them be unsure of how to proceed or what to say. I know that it’s a bit evil of me but I kind of enjoy watching this bit. I actually grin to myself.

They eventually pull themselves together (take a deep breath etc) and tell me what they (meaning their Church) can offer me. As if I come from an environment where what they can offer me isn’t already offered.

However, if I tell them that I don’t belong to any Church (just an experiment) then the reaction is completely different.

Fact is, many, many  people haven’t been inside a Catholic Church in years and they are essentially judging a community based only on what they read in the media. They have no idea how what really goes on in there. Really, they have one billion members. ONE BILLION. That’s like the entire Indian population. They must be doing something right?  I know that they ain’t forcing anyone to become Catholic. And we all know just how poor their PR and marketing is. That tells me that people are obviously coming of their own free will.

The Church has stuck to their guns with various issues (I don’t need to go into this, it’s all over the media) but believe me, they have evolved in many other ways – this bit you obviously won’t find in the media. Just because they have stuck to something or have taken a stand over something doesn’t mean that I have to agree with it.  I can think for myself. If something doesn’t feel right for me or make any sense,  then I’m happy to dismiss it – doesn’t matter what the Church says. Why people put me into a “Catholic” box and assume that they know where I stand on a particular issue is beyond me.

There are definitely some freaky Catholics. But there are also freaky Baptists. And Presbyterians. And Muslims. And Scientologists. There are freaks all around us!

The only reason I’m looking for a different Church environment is because right now I need a little bit more than they can give me. No other reason. I haven’t fallen out with anyone and there are no politics. I feel that I need a change. I need some funky. I need some fresh air. That’s all.

It’s actually not that easy for me to just NOT be Catholic anymore. It’s such a big part of my history and my identity and my legacy. It feels like I am walking away from a Parent.  Last night, along with my fellow Catholic brothers and sisters, I was THRILLED when the new pope walked out onto the balcony. I screamed in the house at the white smoke! My Catholic page on FB went nuts!  Also, my Dad is quite high-profile in Church and it’s awkward. People ask questions. People gossip.  He feels funny. This also makes it difficult to just walk away.

There are many things that I don’t particularly like about the Catholic Church. I don’t think that I need to write about it all – I am not in the business of trashing Church – the old, angry Julia would have done that – the grown up Julia feels that doing that would be similar to swearing at a parent. I reckon I could accomplish this in about 3 blog posts. I can also write what I love love love about the Church. Approximately  8 blog posts.

But seriously. Assuming that I somehow don’t have a relationship with God because of the fact that I am from the Catholic Church is kind of ignorant. Because really, how does anyone (except God) know my heart? How does anyone know the depth of my relationship with God? Just because I don’t go around talking about it and advertising it at every chance that I get and  just because people don’t see the intensity of said relationship doesn’t mean it’s not there. Just because I don’t go about quoting scripture verbatim and just because I don’t brag about all the good works that I do does not mean that I don’t read the bible and it does not mean that I don’t do works of charity. I was always taught that one doesn’t go around bragging about all the good that you do.

So yes. I always knew that many Christians had a bit of an arrogance about them. Apparently their churches are better and will take you to heaven on the Gautrain instead of on the Metro Plus. You don’t even need to take a taxi to get to the station. Because they ARE the station. Well.  I recently experienced it firsthand. And to be honest, it annoyed me. A lot.

It always catches me by surprise and never fails to shock me.

Quite honestly, I just wish that they could be more subtle about it. We all have things/causes/issues that we are not comfortable with. It doesn’t mean that you have to visibly show your discomfort to the person who is comfortable and ok with it. Ultimately, you still need to respect people’s choices – whether you agree with them or not.

Are you shocked that I am Catholic? LOL…do Catholics make you nervous too?  Do they freak you out? How do you deal with Christians who are arrogant?

I am ready to face it and make it official.

• I’m no longer Ju-la or Ju-li-a. I am Mommy Mommy Mommy. Always said 3 times in succession. I kind of miss being Ju-la. Even Julia. Mommy is boring. Mommy Mommy Mommy is downright annoying. 
• I don’t enjoy cooking. Why it took me so long to realise this is just beyond me. See what happens if you live in Denial? You delay the inevitable realisation that will hit you when you least expect it. 
• I need to go back to running. My body is crying out for it. My mind, even more so. I need to upgrade my shoes though – this will be happening as soon as I get paid. Right now I’m in denial about the effect that this will have on my salary. I’ll just remain in Denial and then deal with it by running.
• My house is just too small for me.  I have decluttered to within an inch of my life. Yet, despite the fact that there is still no space, I continue to remain in Denial. I need a bigger house. Otherwise I will need to get rid of all the furniture.
• I don’t do well without my Vitamin B shot.  I don’t quite know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I am going as soon as I get paid.
• I need to be taking Evening Primrose Oil for my PMS. I used to take it a long time ago. It helped tremendously and gave me good skin. I don’t know why I stopped. I guess I went into Denial. Again.
• My Child has significant delays in certain areas.  It is what it is. Denial continues to make an appearance here. She’s somewhat addictive. Every time there is a bit of hope then I go back to her.

I guess me writing these things down and putting it out there makes it official? It means that I have acknowledged it and am at a point where I’m ready to deal with it?

Is there anything that you need to face today? What are you currently in denial about?

Btw…I’ve been watching a lot of Greys lately (is it possible that I just can’t get tired of it? I need to buy the series) and I have one of the most profound Denial quotes in my head at the moment. I think this is from Season 1 and it is quite frankly, the story of my life!

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the damn bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?” – Meredith Grey

How do YOU keep from drowning in it?

A post about kinky hair

I watched a documentary the other day called Good Hair,  produced and presented by funny man Chris Rock. Btw…I LOVE watching documentaries. I put it on my birthday list last year and I’ve already exceeded the goal that I set for myself.  Good Hair explores the black woman’s feelings about having kinky hair – over there they call it nappi hair over here in CT we call it kroes hair. I don’t know what they call it in the other parts of SA. It also explores the multi-million dollar industry of chemical relaxers and weaves.

I have to say that I truly *got* that documentary. I could relate to those women 100%. Because it’s my reality. I was blessed with the kink.  In other words, I have thick, dry, curly hair. My hair is not naturally straight. I have to put chemicals on it to make it straight and I must blow dry it with every wash. I have to blow dry and pull  from the root with a proper round bristle brush. I can’t just hold the hair dryer over my head and flick through with my fingers. Ha. I wish I could do that. In addition to the blow dry (and for the very best result)I need to use a GHD as well.

My Mother gave me my first relaxer when I turned 6, and although the ideal situation would have been to wait for as long as possible, I don’t blame her – because by then she was just exhausted from trying to manage my all my hair – I happen to have a lot of it. My Mom and my sister have beautiful straight hair. I inherited the kink from my Dad’s side of the family. I guess one of us was bound to get the kink.  I inherited the kink and the fast-growing-hair-gene and many other things that I’m very happy to have inherited.

Anyway. My first relaxer was life-changing for my 6-year old self. I could actually shake my hair and it would move! I could actually comb my fingers through it and my hand would come out on the other side. Literally. It was like the heavens opened up for me!  My 6-year old self felt beautiful and like I could conquer the world. That was the beginning of my relationship with chemicals on my hair.  Because once  you start you simply cannot go back.  Having straight, manageable hair is very addictive. Feeling good about your hair is very addictive.  Having fabulous hair is like a new outfit. Really, it’s like you can conquer the world. Fitting in and not having people stare at you because of your wild hair is addictive too. Especially if you are a shy, awkward teenager. Up until today I still relax my hair every  3 months, though I do give it a bit of a break during the summer months because I do a lot of swimming and I am not going to waste my money like that. In summer, I mostly use a leave-in treatment.

I have been lucky that I’ve never suffered hair loss or hair damage due to my intimate relationship with the chemicals. My mother taught me that one doesn’t ever use rubbish chemicals on the hair and that one ALWAYS outsources ones chemical processes to a professional,  so I really don’t mind spending a lot of money on only the best.  I only ever use salon products (I have to look after my hair between chemical treatments and I do need to “prepare” my hair for my next chemical)  and the only real “side effect” that I suffer is the fact that the chemicals strip the colour off my hair. I used to have pitch black hair. It’s a very dark brown now.

For a while I gave my hair a break from the chemicals. I went through a braids phase which I loved. I went through a corn rows phase which I loved too. I even had extensions. I hated that one.  I also went for a curly perm. I loved that one too!  I went for a Brazilian at the end of 2011 and  I won’t do it again – I am not convinced that that particular chemical is for all hair types.

I am also very lucky that the shape of my face means that I can get away with any hairstyle. I’ve had just about every hairstyle and they’ve all suited me. The one thing that I’ve always wanted to try is dreadlocks. But they are super expensive and very time-consuming to maintain.  I would need go to a salon every two weeks for maintenance in order to NOT look like Bob Marley. Every year I contemplate shaving my head as well. I know that with perfectly shaped eyebrows and decent earrings I would totally rock the bald head. But then I think about the growing out part and I am put off because I would need to relax it as soon as the hair starts coming out and I can’t quite figure out how I will pull that off. 

So.  One of the issues explored in the documentary centers around what women of colour see as good hair. Surprisingly. Or not surprisingly,  good hair (according to the doccie)  = straight, non-kinky hair. Or rather, white hair.

Which is sad in a way because we have essentially been programmed to believe that perfect hair = straight hair and because of this, we cannot truly see the beauty in our kink. It is hard to see the beauty in ones kink if it is unmanageable and just downright impossible to control and especially when people (society) sees it as unruly and ugly and wild.

I used to have an intense love-hate relationship with my hair. At this point in my life I don’t love it. I don’t hate it either. It’s just there.  It’s part of who I am. I guess I am finally comfortable with the kink.  I am finally at the point where I realise that I am not my hair. I am so much more than that. Come to think of it, India Arie wrote a song called “I am not my hair” with the most beautiful and profound lyrics.

My favourite hairstyle these days? My natural look.  My kink. My big, wild, unruly hair. When my hair is in its natural state then I feel more free than ever. I swim, I run and I walk in rain. I simply don’t care what it looks like. It’s curly. And big. IT suits me. It is absolutely a reflection of who I am.  It is divine.  Having said that, if I could choose my hair type then I would probably choose straight. It’s just easier in every way.

Unfortunately I cannot wear my hair to work in its natural state because I work in a corporate environment and that would be frowned upon – the conservatives simply can’t cope with it. I think that if I should move into an arty/npo type environment then it would probably be easier for people to embrace my big, kinky afro-textured hair.

Since I watched that doccie I have thought a lot about what it means (for me) to have good hair.

It’s quite simple really.

Good hair = clean hair

Good hair = a hairstyle that gives you the world of confidence and makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Good hair = a hairstyle that represents who you are.

Good hair = hair that is cut or shaped into a style that YOU can manage and maintain to the best of your ability.

What (for you) is good hair? Do you love your hair? What do they call kinky hair in your neck of the woods? Which hair type would you choose if you had a choice?

Ps…go and watch that doccie if you can. It’s very interesting and if you are not someone with the kink, then it will give you insight into the mindset of a person who has the kink. Also, there are men in the USA who relax their hair. THAT is just wrong wrong wrong.  I do NOT know of ANY man in Cape Town who puts relaxer on their hair. I don’t think that they would survive that! If you are a man with the kink, then you need to be getting regular haircuts already!

Pps..if you have been blessed with kinky hair then do share some tips? What are you using at the moment? Is it working for you?

Ppps…I thank the Good Lord that I have no daughters. Eish. Can you imagine TWO females in one house with this  issue? It would mean that my entire salary would be spent on hair.

Pppps…I did my last relaxer in January before I started back at work. It was a DIY job and I used a cheaper product. I didn’t go expensive because I knew that I would be swimming a lot, so I am way due for another one – I’ll probably do it sometime after the Easter weekend.  You can view my hair in its current state in the link in this post.