Mixed-up sweet bags and the week ahead

My weekend was a kind of like a mixed-bag of sweets.

Some of the sweets were delicious and chocolatey and gooey, like those ones that you want to eat forever and ever. Other sweets in the weekend bag were those sour hard-boiled ones that just won’t dissolve no matter how much you suck on them! The ones that burn your mouth and your nose and your eyes and just burn burn burn. I often wonder about those sweets. Why are they called sweets if they are bitter and sour and not actually  sweet?

Friday evening we had a family meeting. My in-laws got together to discuss the way forward with MIL. It was a bit painful for my poor DH (I felt bad for him) but he heard what he needed to hear and he took it in his stride.

My Saturday was lovely – I spent it with some divine women, and in the evening,  my DH, the kids and I all crawled into our big bed (nice and early) with our books and a few snacks.

My Sunday was quite draining, mainly because I spent it with my in-laws. I guess that’s why it was draining. My DH and I finished a bottle of wine when we got home. We were drowning our sorrows and celebrating our progress at the same time. Kind of a happysad situation.

BUT.  At least we made progress with MIL, and all that we can do now is to maintain the boundaries that have been set (which we will do) and take it from there.

I have learned this weekend that old people are damn hard work. And that if I should ever be in a situation where I need to remarry (goodness me, I really hope NOT), then I will make sure that I stay at least 1500km away from my in-laws.

My DH and I  (over our bottle of wine last night) actually googled  retirement villages for the two of us because we really cannot see ourselves draining our kids. So far, this is our favourite one – it’s right by the beach. I wonder if they have a waiting list that we can put ourselves on?

Anyway. I am looking forward. And upwards. I feel strangely positive and even upbeat. And alive. Yes, I know that sounds very weird.

And so this week, I have some things planned that I really need to finish, which is good. Distractions are good sometimes.  This is what I have planned:

• Project Assistance for Child1 – project due on Friday – the written part is all done, we want to finish the practical part by Wednesday latest.
• Touch base with Child2’s teacher – she needs to give me certain feedback in order for me to make a decision – I am seeing her on Wednesday.
• Check what clothing my kids have for winter and make lists of any winter clothing that I may need to buy for them – I hope to do this on Thursday.
• Clean my desk that is currently looking like a pigsty – I am doing this right now!
• Return ALL paper books to shelf. There are a number of them ALL OVER MY HOUSE at the moment. I have no idea how that happens – I rarely read paper books these days – this is a job for tomorrow evening,  although I’ve started to make Child2 collect the books that are not on the shelf. He is LOVING this little job at the moment.

How are you doing?

Did you have a good weekend?

How are relations with your in-laws at the moment?

When last did you have a happysad situation?

What’s on your to-do list this week?

Being the favourite child is hard work

So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I am not my parents favourite child. I am very close to my parents (I consider them to be two of my closest friends) and I know that I am loved. I  never, ever doubted that I was loved - wildly, truly madly deeply and all, but I am not the favourite. My sister is. Always was.

It took me years of therapy to be OK with this.

In fact, it was only once I had my 2^nd Child that I realised that one cannot possibly love your kids in exactly the same way. One loves them differently for different things because they are different people.  I was definitely not treated unfairly or excluded or anything and it absolutely wasn’t a meat/fish situation.  My sister has more in common with them and her personality is different and so they (and others) are more inclined to gravitate towards her.  She’s very sensible as well which helps a lot.

I know that she will be there for my parents if I can’t and it does give me one less thing to worry about. Now that I understand a bit more about things like Love Languages and personality types and so on, it does make it easier for me to accept.

My DH has always been a favourite child. He is the only son and was never a problem child which I think automatically catapulted him to meat status. When something is needed then they phone him. When they need an opinion or someone to step into a situation then he is the guy.  For the most part he has stepped up and it certainly helps that he is not afraid to put his foot down and set boundaries, although this last issue that we had with my MIL really tested him and completely stressed him out. If anything, it made me see that being the favourite isn’t exactly a “no pressure” kind of thing.

My MIL is very clear about who her favourite child is. It’s a meat and fish situation and I feel terrible. I hate being witness to the fact that nothing that my SIL does will ever be good enough for her. My SIL has mostly worked through it and has accepted it but occasionally she lashes out. I don’t blame her. How can any parent do a meat and fish thing with their kids and be so blatant about it?

In fact,  she’s trying to include me in the meat part of the equation.  My DH AND I are now her favourites. She’s not too impressed that I don’t entertain it. Quite frankly I don’t need the pressure of being her favourite. Because it comes with certain expectations. Expectations that I can’t and won’t meet under any circumstances. I call her out on it. Often. And for now, this is all that I can do.

Seriously though. I am happy to be fish and not meat. It just makes my life so much easier.

Were you the favourite child growing up? Did you feel that your sibling was more favoured?

If you were/are the favourite then do you somehow feel that there is pressure on you to be more to your parents?

Easter Weekend = Happiness

Well, hello there.  Feels like it has been forever since I blogged!

I have had such a divine weekend with my little family. We absolutely needed this time together after the past few hectic weeks.

I have said before that the Easter weekend is my most favourite holiday – it still is, for more reasons than one. I think I may like it more than Christmas time – there isn’t that build-up and mad rush and stress to get everything done like there usually is before Christmas. And we usually get the first rains of the season. Seriously. If you are a tourist, don’t come to CT at the Easter weekend if it’s sun and beaches that you want.  It doesn’t happen in these parts  – it ALWAYS rains on our Easter weekend and this weekend was no different.

This weekend was all food and family and books and chocolate and movies and knitting and puzzles and so many other cool things.

A few updates:

Child2 who hates little yapping dogs actually conquered his fear this weekend and it was so sweet to see. If you are my FB friend, then you’ll see a picture of him chatting to my cousins little dog.  Go look!

Today we had a spontaneous outing with the kids. We went for breakfast and ended up at a diner kind of place. IT was really cool.  They play music from the 50s!  I LOVE 50s music. Do you? It makes me feel happy and like I should be dancing. I should get some more for at home.

After breakfast we decided to do an impromptu movie (do you know how big this is for us?) and took the kids to see The Croods. It was a sweet, funny movie and I would actually recommend it. This is only the 2^nd time that I’ve taken Child2 (I wrote about our first experience here) and he coped really well! Way better than the last time I took him. My DH and I were so proud of him.  When we walked out of the movie theatre I felt even more proud of him. He said: “Mommy Mommy Mommy, I need to go home now”. Don’t you just love that he can recognise when things are starting to get too much for him? We left immediately and as soon as we arrived home he jumped straight into the bath! It felt AWESOME to feel like a normal family for a change. Gosh, it’s been so long since I felt that!

And so tomorrow it’s back to work for my DH and I. Both kids are sorted – Child1 goes to aftercare and Child2 still has school.

Oh, and a miracle happened! I am thrilled. My MIL decided (before my DH could have the conversation with her) that she preferred to stay in her own flat. Said it was more comfortable for her and that her flatmate and my SIL were being excellent nurses to her. There are not enough words in the Oxford Dictionary to describe how this bit of news just THRILLED me. We popped around at her place yesterday before we went for lunch and she thanked me for supporting her the way I have.

Right now, my kids are in bed and I’m off to bed too. I am starting a new book (which is always exciting) and my DH wants us to watch series. Need to decide what will happen first. I think it will be the book.

I hope that you’ve had a fantastic Easter weekend? What did you get up to?

Have a fantastic week ahead. Xx

Ps..this post is so all over the place and has way to many exclamation marks!!! I would apologise for that,but at this moment, it actually it works for me.

What does it mean (to you) to honour your parents?

Thank you for your comments on my post yesterday. Gosh, you are all so clever with this kind of stuff! Your comments provided me with soooooo much food for thought. I LOVE when that happens.

Something that Lesley alluded to in her comment stuck a bit. She mentioned that one persons idea of honouring their parents can look different from the next persons idea of honouring  their parents. So I thought about this all day and what it meant (for me) to honour my parents.

This is what I came up with:

Honouring my parents means:

Being thankful for them

Being civil and kind and respectful in my dealings with them.

Making an effort to nurture the relationship between us and speaking to them in their love languages, even if they don’t speak to me in my love languages.

Nurturing the relationship between them and their grandchildren i.e. not using my kids to punish them or manipulate them or to push my own agenda.

Helping them out (physically, financially)  if they need help. Within reason and without compromising my own family.

Having comfortable, healthy boundaries and being true to myself.

Being an emotional support if and when they they need it.

 

Honouring my parents does not mean:

Accepting their flaws – although I can tolerate them if I need to.

Giving them their way and giving in to every single whim.

Compromising myself and my family to help them out.

That I need to allow myself to be “drained” by them.

My DH and I spoke this evening and I’m happy to say that we are on the same page about our current situation.  The next step is to have the conversation with the party in question and to be a united front and to be firm about our decision. I told him that I am happy to do it if he finds it hard because I have no issues being that party’s punching bag.

To be honest, we do have different ideas on what it means to honour ones parents – fortunately our differences can be worked with.  I think it may possibly be a values issues and it could very well be a cultural issue as well – we definitely need to talk about this some more.  I have to say that this is one of those topics to be discussed BEFORE you get married!

In the meantime though, answer this:

What does it mean (to you) to honour your parents?

What (to you) is NOT honouring your parents?

That other commandment is not working for us

So a lot is usually said about how the aged have a bad deal in life.

Apparently they come from the generation that really worked soooo much harder than the current one. They come from the generation that experienced Apartheid in all its glory. They come from the generation that lived through the war.  They come from the generation that lived through the Great Depression. They come from the generation that knows all about struggle.  They come from a generation that had little of everything, yet they made it work for them. They come from the generation that expects certain things from their kids – things that are simply not negotiable.

A lot is said about how a society can be judged by the way they treat their aged. I will acknowledge that many of our aged are ill-treated. Many of them are left in homes and never visited. Many of them are abused by their kids – physically, mentally and emotionally.

The aged in my life absolutely cannot say this. In fact certain aged people in my life have always had it pretty damn good.  They have always been loved, honoured, cherished and respected. They have always been provided for during  the hard times, even though the people helping them through their hard times are also on hard times.  

The problem is that I’ve given the finger (nothing more, nothing less) and the hand is being grabbed.  Actually, it’s not the hand that is being grabbed.  It’s the shoulder. The shoulder is being grabbed. Twisted. Pulled. Broken. Fractured.

The problem is, that helping the aged has not helped. It has enabled. It has created a culture of expectation. It has fed into the poverty mentality that kids must somehow “repay” their parents for having brought them into the world and going through this “struggle” with them.

The problem is that emotional blackmail is being used as a means to gain access. It’s causing resentment. It’s causing me to slowly get very, very mad. It’s pushing my anxiety through the roof. There is apparently only one victim. One party that matters. According to the old person, it is the aged person in my life.

This annoys me. It upsets me tremendously. It’s causing conflict in my marriage. It’s turning my little Utopia upside down.

The aged person in my life has been pushing to live with us for a long time.  She stays in a flat. She has someone staying in her flat so is never alone. My SIL lives in the same block of flats, my niece and her two kids too. She’s never alone. She always has people around her. She loves having people around her. She doesn’t understand that living with us (besides the fact that it is simply not practical) is going to depress her.  She doesn’t want to understand that it will cripple us financially. She doesn’t understand that this is a really big ask.

She’s used to more space than I can give her. She’s used to having people around her. She’s going to be alone during the day with not a soul for company.

She’s now used her stroke to push her way into my house. She’s causing conflict in my life. She’s putting my DH in a difficult place. My poor Boyfriend is really not having fun at the moment.  I need to blog about this some more but I first need to check with him if I can. He’s trying to do the right thing (ie. honour and respect his parent) and at the same time he wants to do right by me and our kids.

She’s taking advantage of him and playing on the fact that he’s still grieving for his Dad. She simply will not listen to reason. She sees that it is simply not practical to live in my home. I live in a 2 bedroom house – my kids share a room. She sees this and doesn’t care. It honestly doesn’t matter to her that my kids are going to be uncomfortable. That I (as the woman of the home) have reservations and am not keen on this arrangement. That my DH is going through hell.  None of this matters to her. It’s ALL about her and what she wants. She’s the victim here. She’s the aged. She’s the one who deserves stuff that we clearly can’t give her. She’s the one with the expectation.

So now I have to ask you this:

Where does one draw the line between honouring your parent (especially if they insist on using emotional blackmail and regularly turning on the taps) and being practical? Besides the fact that I REALLY cannot accommodate my MIL, I know that she will become depressed if she lives with us. She doesn’t want to see that. In fact, she won’t even talk about it. Somehow she thinks that all her problems will be solved with this transaction. She is looking to us to be the source of her happiness, even though I have told her that this expectation of hers is grossly unfair and highly unreasonable.

Is it even fair for my DH and I to be expected to honour and respect our parent at the cost of our kids comfort and happiness? Does your parent become less of a priority when you have kids?

Have your parents made provision for their old age? Are you going to be expected to just fall in and re-arrange your whole life if something should happen to them? If they haven’t, I urge you to make it happen ASAP.

My MIL and I have always had a good relationship, mainly because we don’t see one another all the time and mainly because she knew her place with me. We used to have that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing going for us.  Right now? She’s infuriating me and I am, quite frankly,  ready to give her the keys to my home and pack my stuff and go. I know that one day I will be an old woman too. I also know that I would not dream of forcing my sons to take me in.  I am very sensitive to rejection and am simply too vain to have someone say no to me. That’s actually why I work. So that I will have the provision to hire a nurse if necessary.

Also, I am more compassionate than anyone I know. I am a feeler. I am really good at empathising with people and their situations. I am also very good at doing this in such a way that I don’t get involved in their lives. This bloody woman is taking advantage of my kindness and is forcing me to get involved in her crap. THAT is making me VERY angry.

Ps…I am not opposed to helping my MIL out where I can, but obviously she needs to be realistic about what can be done for her. And she needs to not be so demanding already!

The panties thing seems so trivial now.

My MIL had a stroke today.

We visited her this morning and spent just over an hour with her.

She was in pleasant spirits and we had a really lovely time with her. Both my kids were all over her. As usual. She was fine. Really. I even told her that I’m fetching her on Thursday morning. I told her that we could go for breakfast and panty shopping. She just laughed.  Am going to have to go and buy them for her just now when my DH gets home because I think she may need them in the hospital.

My SIL called about 3 hours ago to tell us what was happening. I was fast asleep.  It felt like sleepwalking when I went to tell my DH.  I told him in slow motion.  He looked at me and asked me if I was having a dream. I said: “I don’t think so”.

He had a friend over and his phone was silent so he couldn’t hear it.

He drove off immediately. He is with her now. At the hospital.  Fortunately they were seen immediately. Her BP is sky-high – 240 over something. He says that it appears to be mild.  He made her write him a note. She could manage. He made her drink some water.  She couldn’t hold the glass and lift it to her mouth. He made her say things. Her speech is slurred. I guess we just have to wait and see how bad things really are.

My DH is calm. I am waiting for him. Feels kind of trivial that I complained about buying underwear for her.

Think I’m going to be quiet for a bit.

 

 

She wants me to buy her some panties.

So it was MIL’s B-Day last week. She turned 70. We had a braai for her and it was quite a lovely celebration.  I didn’t buy her a gift yet because I was, quite frankly, clueless. This is what happens when Gifts is not your Love Language. You kind of over think it. And postpone it. It simply doesn’t feel weird to you for the birthday person to open their gift once their birthday has long passed.

But I digress.

I have no idea what to buy for old people on milestone birthdays.  My MIL is a struggling pensioner and I felt that I needed to buy her things that she needed and I decided that I would perhaps add a luxury item or 2 to her gift – from the kids. So I asked her what she needed.

She told me that she needed clothing.  I told her that I would see what I could do. I had these visions of getting some nice winter stuff for her. Then I realised that I have never seen pensioners in clothing shops. Maybe I’m just going at the wrong times? I wondered where old people bought their clothing. I asked at work where old people shop for clothing and I got told Woollies and Pep.

Anyway. A day or so after this I went to drop something at her place. When I got there she had just finished decluttering her wardrobe. She then told me that she actually had more than enough clothing for the winter but that she needed underwear.  Then she asked me if I could rather just buy this for her instead. She specifically needed panties. She even told me what style she wanted. The granny one!

I tried my utmost not to twitch. I plastered a fake smile and said OK.

Now I am by no means a prude but I felt weird about it. She actually expects me to go and buy granny panties for her!

My Twitter friends told me to get her a voucher so she could get her own granny pant. I liked that idea. But then I know my MIL. She loves to unwrap gifts. She would not appreciate a voucher.

So I’m in a situation where I need to go and buy panties for someone.  I would be able to do that for a friend. Or for my Mom. Or my sister. In an emergency situation of course. NOT for my MIL. That’s just wrong!

Would you even dream of asking your DIL to go and buy you a granny pant? Would you ask ANYONE to go and buy you a granny pant?

I’m not sure if I should be flattered that she trusts me enough to do this. Actually. I am not flattered. I am mortified!

I think I will go and fetch her one Saturday, make her choose her own panties and hand over the money at the till.

What’s the weirdest gift that you got requested?

 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I’ve had a GLORIOUS Christmas Day. Lunch was divine and there was no drama, only love and good food and togetherness. My kids LOVED their gifts and my DH got it right with me too!

I’ve listened to A LOT of Christmas music in the last while and I thought I’d share only 3 of my favourites.

My Favourite FAVOURITE is “Mary, did you know” by Kenny Rogers. I LOVE this one and I can listen to it over and over.  I guess it appeals to me as a Mom. We just have NO IDEA what greatness lies ahead for our kids or what magnificence they will be as adults.

 

My other favourite is Mariah’s version of “All I want for Christmas” – I never get tired of this one and in case you didn’t know, Love Actually is my favourite Christmas movie of all time.

 

Then, my BEST NEW DISCOVERY for Christmas Music in 2012 goes to Steven Curtis Chapman. I realise that I may be late to the SCC party but Shayne recommended him to me and I LOVE LOVE LOVE him. Here’s one of his songs, it’s called It’s Christmas Time”. Such a fun, upbeat song!

 

Anyway, we only just got home a short while ago and my kids are all over me at the moment. Also, I need to pack. Because we are going away tomorrow for a short break.

I hope that you all had a FANTASTIC day and I wish you the Happiest Holidays EVER!

Please enjoy the time with your families and do spare a thought for those who struggle at this time of the year? I’m talking about those who have lost loved ones or those who are infertile or those who just generally struggle with depression and loneliness this time of the year. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Please.

Enjoy the rest of your Christmas day

Love

Me + DH + Child1 + Child2

I had a REALLY good laugh at my parents this past weekend.

We were talking about various things and having some general discussions about my kids and I mentioned that I “met” someone on Twitter – an adult who lives with Autism. I told them how inspired I was by her (she’s very successful and has found ways to manage her issues etc) and that chatting to her on twitter (and on FB) gave me a lot of hope. She’s really good with advising me on practical ways to deal with certain things that Child2 struggles with.

I also told them that this woman had invited me into a private FB group for other adults who were also on the spectrum and for parents with kids on the spectrum and that I LOVED this group.

And then I told them that this woman lives in CT and that we had plans to meet up in the new year. I told them that I actually got invited to go for a group walk (with this woman) up Rhodes Memorial (it happened yesterday actually) but I didn’t RSVP because I didn’t fancy a mid-morning mountain walk in the sun and I happened to be busy  and and and.

Of course when they heard that I actually considered going for this walk they went NUTS!  My Dad asked me if I was mad to meet up with strangers on Rhodes Memorial and he also asked me what I would do if this person jumped off the mountain or something. I tried to explain that it wasn’t like that and that it was a group effort and that besides, I would actually have taken Child1 along seeing that he’s on holiday – it was a FAMILY walk after all so there would have been other kids (some as odd and quirky as him) for him to mingle with.

Needless to say, THAT did not go down well. Because then I heard that I’m endangering my child and that I’m too trusting and how can I just meet up with internet people etc. Don’t I know that there are sick people out there and and and.

I did mention that actually, I’m not stupid and that I OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t meet up with someone unless I was VERY SURE about them. They didn’t even hear me! They even asked me HOW I could possibly teach my child to behave safely online if I was doing stuff like planning walks with strangers that I met on the internet!

So I allowed them to vent, but I must admit that I got the giggles while they were having their vent and I just could not stop. I tried really hard to keep a straight face but I couldn’t  Because  even though they are relatively clued up about the internet, they simply don’t understand the power of online connections. I didn’t want to tell them that I’d met PLENTY of people this year who I had become friends with online because they simply would NOT have understood it.

I am actually still laughing when I think about the conversation. And my DH? He just sat there with a mouth full of teeth and said NOTHING!

My parents don’t understand that I have a serious online life – possibly because I’ve never shared that part of myself with them. Somehow I don’t think that it would impress them AT ALL.

I don’t know if I ever will share it with them – but you never know, maybe one day I will. I’ll play it by ear.

Do the people in your life know that you have a personal blog and that you tweet and occasionally meet-up with the people in your cyber space?

Do they know that you have an “online” life and persona? 

How have you been?

I’m actually having a good time doing nothing except fun stuff. Am off to drop Child2 at school now then will go and powerwalk and swim with Child1.

Later.

x

 

Don’t you just love made-up words?

I had quite an OK weekend. How about you?

I didn’t run because I was feeling a bit under the weather so I ended up spending a lot of te weekend indoors with Rose. It was marvelous and just what the Dr ordered. Yesterday I had lunch with my parents and ended up staying there all afternoon until we came home last night to get ready for school today.

I did manage to organise a summer uniform and some necessary (extra) stationery for Child1.

Must say that there is a MASSIVE difference in traffic when it’s school holiday. I’m thinking that we should introduce a system where kids can fly to school rather than have their parents drive them? Would make life so much easier for those commuting on the roads.  What do you think?

Anyway.

This morning Child1 walked into the bathroom while I was busy putting on my face. So we had this conversation:

Child1:  “Mommy, I think my voice is PUBER-TATING.”

Me: (trying not to look shocked) “Puber-tating? is it sore?”

Child1: “No, not actually”

Me: “Could it not be a post-nasal drip that is making you croak? I also croak when I get up in the mornings. And Daddy. I am sure that if we listen carefully then we’ll also hear your brother croaking when he wakes up”

Child1: “No, Mommy, I think my voice is PUBER-TATING”

Me: “I see. Should I get you something for it? Maybe some Halls?”

Child1: “You could get me some smarties.”

ME: “OK. I’ll get some later on.”

Child1: gets distracted by something else and walks away.

I just LOVE this word “puber-tating”. I told them in the office about the conversation and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

I was reading this post that Marcia wrote last week and I saw in the comments that one of the readers used the word “frivoulosity”

I LOVE it!

Have you or your kids come up with any made-up words lately? Do share?

Btw…I DID get him the smarties that he asked for. And this evening he is still croaking. There are no other symptoms so I am not sure if this is really pubertation or if it could be a case of laryngitis? And Marcia, I bought some gel pens too! Can’t wait to see if 0.7 is THE ONE.