A few weeks ago I blogged about TV friendships, specifically the Meredith/Christina friendship, and in that post, I raised some questions about whether this type of friendship was realistic because really, even though I desire a friendship like that I have NEVER seen something even remotely similar in my life.
Laura commented that she had seen 2 examples in her life of this type of friendship. BUT. They were friendships between guys.
Her comment sparked a thought process for me and I started to wonder if perhaps boys are better at friendship than girls.
Now I’ll be honest. There are some things that I LOVE about guy friendships (I’m talking specifically guy and guy friendships and not guy and girl friendships – that’s actually another blog post) and there are some things that I don’t particularly like about them. Maybe that’s a bit harsh so perhaps I should say that there are some things within guy friendships that I wouldn’t be OK with.
I have thought long and hard about the real differences (that I have noticed) between male friendships and female friendships. This is what I came up with:
BOYS:
They have no drama in their friendships – possibly because they don’t share their deepest secrets. There is minimal emotional intimacy and they are simply not interested in the details. I often think that men talk AT one another rather than TO one another. The other day my DH visited an old friend of his. He came home and told me that his friend M and his wife V had a baby a couple of days prior to that. So I asked about the baby. This was the conversation:
DH: M was about to start renovating his house but now that there is a small baby they are going to wait a bit. V says she’s not going to have strange people making dust and noise in her house while she’s on maternity leave trying to catch up on sleep during the day with the baby.
Me: A baby? When?
DH: Last week.
Me: Well, is it a boy or a girl?
DH: I forgot to ask.
Me: Did you see the baby?
DH: Yes. “ It” was sleeping in the car seat.
Me: So did it look like a boy or a girl?
DH: I don’t know. It looked like a baby.
Me: Well, what is the baby’s name?
DH: I don’t know, it never came up!
Me: So I guess if you didn’t ask for the baby’s name in order to at least GUESS the gender then you wouldn’t know WHERE V had her baby or what it weighed or anything? Because really, I would love to get something small for the baby and send them a card but I’m going to feel rather stupid if I say “congrats on the birth of “IT”.
DH: You would be guessing correctly. I’m sure they wouldn’t have a problem if you didn’t get anything. They have loads of stuff for the baby. I saw a lot of flowers and gift bags in their lounge.
ME: So what colour were the gift bags? Was there a lot of pink and flowery heart stuff? Because that may mean that they have a girl?
DH: I don’t know.
Me: So what did you and M speak about if the baby’s details never came up in any conversation?
DH: We had a beer. We spoke about this and that.
Me: What is this and that? You have to tell me. It’s for research purposes.
DH: (he’s now rolling his eyes) Work and renovation stuff. And M’s new car. You know, this and that.
Seriously people. Can you imagine women not asking these questions to other women? He actually didn’t know the gender of the baby or the baby’s name and it honestly didn’t bother him. Apparently it just never came up!!!
The point that I’m trying to illustrate here is that they don’t go out of their way for the details. They talk about STUFF. But not intimate stuff. OR heaven forbid, their feelings!
They tend to bond over shared activities. They play golf. They watch the rugby. They go fishing. They cycle. I think that their conversations revolve mostly around “doing” of things and not the “feeling of things” hence the lack of emotional intimacy. Also, there appears to be ZERO judgement. I have never heard of any boy judging another boy’s wife for not breastfeeding. Or choosing a c-section. They simply don’t care. I think that girls can learn A LOT from that.
GIRLS:
There is a lot more emotional intimacy and support and way more sharing – (face-to-face around a table as opposed to side-by-side catching fish in silence or whatever). They cry together and share their deepest secrets with one another. This is excellent but not always, because it has the potential to cause drama. I have seen friendships end because of this sharing/over-sharing. Women know how to hurt one another because they often have a keen sense of one another’s vulnerabilities. Ultimately, women are emotional beings and this usually comes into play. Men simply don’t get close enough to one another to have this kind of drama in their friendships.
They tend to bond over having shared or similar experiences (i.e. new moms or recently divorced or being a mom of a special needs kid or whatever) as opposed to bonding over shared activities.
To be honest, I often envy male friendships mostly for the low maintenance aspect and the lack of intensity and drama. And for the lack of judgement. It is because of these factors that I believe that men probably are better at friendship than women and I honestly believe that women are their own worst enemies. Having said that, being a person who requires WORDS OF AFFIRMATION in order to feel loved, I probably would NOT survive as a guy in friendship.
Do you think that there are huge differences between male friendships and female friendships?
What other significant differences have I left out?
Do you think that boys are better at friendship than girls?
I missed the last four seasons of Grey’s. I know, my life is empty, I’m desperate to mend my ways
I have had conversations like that with my husband, their filters are completely different to ours, but believe me, they can also be biatches. I sometimes think they are intolerant, but maybe they are clever by not allowing people in their lives that could potentially hurt them.
I guess that girls are just more intense…more inquisitive and nosy;-) That is why we need to hear all the detail. I have two friends that I can discuss anything with and I know that whatever is discussed will stay between us. That is important because it makes me feel safe with them.
I laughed so much at the conversation with your hubby but I think he tried at least he knew they had a baby. Some men are just wired differently. To give you an idea I’m a detail person my hubby is the opposite. Imagine someone having a conversation with another person for an hour and you ask him about it and the response: “we chatted and he’s not happy” I kid you not. I think Lynette hit the nail on the head girls love details because we are nosy sometimes
and because we care
Confession:
Yikes: gremlins on my phone
Huge differences, yep big time. Men sometime just don’t give a hoot about personal things (or at least they appear not to). I think my hubby only remembers my birthday and his (which happens to be our wedding anniversary). Every year I have to remind him of friends and family’s birthdays and if he’s too busy he would definitely not have the time for a quick call or sms or email to give his regards. His thinking what diff does one extra wish make!
I laughed so much at the conversation with your hubby but I think he tried at least he knew they had a baby. Some men are just wired differently. To give you an idea I’m a detail person my hubby is the opposite. Imagine someone having a conversation with another person for an hour and you ask him about it and the response: “we chatted and he’s not happy” I kid you not.
I think Lynette hit the nail on the head girls love details because we are nosy sometimes
and because we care.
You get me Mrs FF;-)
I *loved* this post!! I snorted then lolled then had to read your conversation out loud to R! He agreed that yup, that’s pretty much how conversations go
So funny. I had almost this exact conversation with my husband this week…..”.Is the baby a boy or girl? ” “Don’t know.”
“What is the name?.”………”.Don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
“I’m a man.”
Okaaay……
I am not sure I agree! David and his friends share a lot of stuff – they dont neccessarily share their most intimate feelings but they do talk about it. They know whats going on in each others lives and we had issues cos I never invited some of them to Jacks birthday and they were upset.
David and his friends are like nothing I have ever seen before!!! They are better friends that any women I know!
That’s exactly why I say that men ARE better at friendship than women!
I think my soon-to-be-ex-husband would at least have known those details, but I may be wrong. Male friendships are interesting though!
The first friend i made was with a boy, when i was 2 years old – who is still one of my best friends today : ) Over my teenage to early twenties i had a lot of male friends. I think it is true that they are very straightforward and not much into the details. I found in my friendship with them there was never a ‘sub-text’, unlike the way there can be with some women – saying one thing and meaning something else. I really liked that aspect.
When my husband talks to friends or his brothers its never about feelings. He doesn’t seem to need that intimacy in his friendships – unlike me : )
I’m the same as Lesley and Louisa – I always loved the uncomplication of male friendships.
That said, D would know most of those details – I’ve trained him well
I hear you. But don’t you find it fascinating that Friend M didn’t think to say something like…”oh, here’s my daughter, Jane. She was born last week?”
You’ve summed it up very nicely in the post. They are definitely different! What I have always like about boy friendships is that they hardly ever keep a grudge, even when something does go wrong. It’s all very easy going.
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