There is a particular area in my life where I just cannot get my A into G. The area of BODY WEIGHT.
Actually there are many areas where I have to work REALLY hard to get my A into G and to keep my A in G. For example things like being disorganised with money, being impatient, being instant gratification etc. I go through phases where I do really well with these things provided that I nurture and maintain systems that I have implemented into my life which are there to make things run more smoothly.
I have to say that being on AD medication makes a HUGE difference to how organised I am. Those AD’s rearrange my brain and it absolutely shows in my real life. Seriously.
Anyway. Apparently there is a book out called “Why Am I Fat?”. It’s written by Jeffrey C Brown and here’s the link. There were some mentions on Twitter about it.
I haven’t read the book yet and probably won’t – though I know that I SHOULD read it. Because I KNOW why I am fat. I even made a summary. In bullets. See how awesome those AD’s are? I even think in bullets!
I will start by saying that one of the reasons I hate exercising (even if there are endorphins afterwards) is because I am fat. Yes, I will tell it like it is. I am FAT.
I am too afraid to calculate my BMI because I suspect I will be classified obese. I am even afraid to get onto the scale because I can’t face those numbers. I don’t buy myself clothing and I am panicking about the summer. Because I LOVE swimming in the ocean and I’m going to have to wear a bathing costume. Or something.
My weight hampers my ability to physically push myself to the next level. I don’t run as well as I could be running and lately I actually noticed that I am the fattest person in my yoga class. I am not going back to that particular studio. They have a mirror! Last Friday I went to something called a Synergy class which was VERY HARD – it’s a form of power yoga and moves fast and flowing. I was PANTING and sweating like a pig! Anyway I was the last one to enter the class (in other words I was late) and the only spot left was in front of the mirror. I was mortified. I felt like everyone could see how fat I was and I couldn’t stand to look at myself.
But seriously. This is why I am FAT:
- I think it’s safe to say that I am addicted to carbs –Especially BAD carbs. All the white stuff. Fancy breads. Roast potatoes. Pasta. Rice. Roti. I guess I could be called a carboholic?
- I do know that I’m not eating enough fruit and veg at the moment.
- I do know that I’m not drinking enough water at the moment – though I must say that the yoga really helps with the water intake.On Friday last week I finished 750ml AND another 500ml. IN ONE session.
- I do know that I occasionally (luckily it’s only occasionally) eat emotionally.
- I do know that I don’t only eat when I am hungry. I love eating when I am bored. I also eat habitually. Like for example when I’m watching TV or at night before bed because I keep thinking that maybe I won’t wake up so hungry that I want to eat a small country. IT doesn’t work. I wake up STARVING.
- I do know that I am a greedy guts. I have a voracious appetite. I LOVE to eat. I am not one of those who eat to live. I LIVE to EAT!
- I do know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE good food. It really does make me happy. I LOVE when people cook for me and the other day, a lady in my office brought me some of her dinner leftovers (breyani!) because she knows that I love breyani. Don’t you just LOVE that she thought about me?
- I do know that I LOVE snacking. I can snack ALL DAY LONG. On chocolate. Or salty snacks. Chips and pretzels and popcorn are my FAVOURITES. And mini-cheddars. Chocolate is for THAT time of the month only – I don’t crave it at any other time although if it is offered to me or if I need to buy them for someone then I will certainly throw one into the trolley for myself.
- I do know that I need to change my lifestyle. But it’s really become so costly. And tiring. I’m tired of peeling and chopping and weighing and numbers. I work extremely hard and I have a lot of stuff to deal with. I really would prefer to relax. Go to the beach. OR hang out with Rose. And eat what I want to WHEN I want to.
And quite frankly I am getting annoyed at myself. I am an educated woman who knows the risks of being overweight. I know that I am at risk of a heart-attack or a stroke and and and. I know that I am sabotaging myself. But why?
Do I really think so little of myself? Do I honestly and truly have no respect for my health? Do I not want to grow old? Do I not want to see my children grow up? Have I really got so little self-control?
Seriously! I can walk in shops that have all my favourite things and resist the urge to spend money. I have a credit card that I haven’t used for MONTHS and I’m not even remotely tempted to use it. And yet, I seem to lack self-control with food which directly affects my weight which makes me miserable because I can’t find nice clothes that fit etc. etc. Ugh. Such a vicious cycle.
I am going to be starting something in a few days that excludes all carbs – seriously. Am going to go all caveman-like. I’ll slowly re-introduce carbs (only the good ones) again in 2013 or something. Right now though, I need to lose this fat. Like ASAP.
Do you struggle with your weight? Do you lack self-control with food and healthy eating? How do I get past this hurdle?
Ps…Since writing this post I’ve been told that I MUST buy the book because it will help me to understand myself a bit better. I think I’ll put it onto the shopping list.
I think yours is the most honest blog I read! Though you are very hard on yourself. x
I think the point you made ‘I work extremely hard and have a lot to deal with’ may be a key point to your eating habits. Healthy eating requires thought, planning, regular shopping, chopping AND cooking. That is a lot to add to an already busy schedule especially if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the balls you are juggling.
I know for myself, my emotions and tiredness are my key triggers in not eating healthy.
Hope the book helps.
I would be ill if i cut out carbs – hope you will be ok, if this is what you choose to do. x
I hear you on all of the above Jules! My reason for being fat is pretty much the same as yours. Since starting the Paleo diet, I have been amazed that by eating the right foods how my craving and desire for carbs as totally dissipated. I know longer crave food and can go for longer stretches without eating or getting hungry.
I weighted in today, 3.3kg’s down in 10 days so I’m determined to stick with it for as long as possible!
I am definitely an emotional eater. After an “interaction” with the kids, I go straight to the pantry and find a chocolate or chips. I need to stop buying the food so there’s nothing nice to eat
My problems are portion control, carbs and my veggies are not enough – I can easily eat 2 portions a day (WL size – which is huge) but the additional ones are WORK.
I’m still deciding if I’m going back to WL tomorrow morning.
Those things are all pretty much me!!!! I battle a lot with my weight and its not about dieting – I eat proper meals but they are BIG meal and I snack as well. I am fine most of the time because we dont have lots of snacks in the house but then during the day I will buy some biltong but buy R30 when really thats too much or a packet of chips!
Blergh it is a constant battle for me!
OH and really dont even bother with your BMI – mine says I am obese :-/ I know I have a little too loose but am by no means obese – the best way to work it out is to get a professional at the gym to work it out.
Don’t diet. Dieting is punitive. It’s better to work WITH your body than against it. Your body needs carbs to function – especially your brain and emotions.
I had a long battle with weight, as you know (I’m still working on this, but I no longer refer to it as a battle). I’ve come to learn that self-acceptance is the key to happiness, regardless of what you weigh. You can’t change that which you don’t love and accept right now. So, lose the negative self-talk and start talking to yourself in a loving way. Then good habits become a form of self-care, instead of something you have to constantly fight to achieve.
A lot of your eating habits will be corrected when you become AWARE of why you’re doing them. Most of us eat as a way of checking out of reality and it takes time to break those habits, but when you do, you’re set for life. That doesn’t happen when you diet. In fact, 95% of dieters regain the weight they’d lost and more, perpetuating the cycle of self-hatred and self-abuse.
Also, never compare yourself to anybody else. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are awesome. You are magnificent. That is all you need to know. We are all unique. Comparing ourselves to others is just another way in which we surrender to shame and self-loathing. (I’m waiting for my Brene Brown book!)
And nobody in an exercise class is looking at you – they’re all concentrating on their own workout. Trust me!
Concentrate on healthy habits, not body size. You’ll find that when you do, the weight will come off on its own. If it doesn’t, you may have some underlying physiological problem, which can then be addressed. BMI and body weight are NOT indicators of health, despite what “they” say – healthy habits are! And healthy habits need not be expensive. I find that I spend way more money when I’m eating indiscriminately.
I don’t mean to sound preachy, but this is a subject very close to my heart. I’ve been through every conceivable stage of weight gain, weight-loss, desperation, fear, loathing, shame, embarrassment.
Love that – ‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made’ – wow! Psalm 139
I think you are much too hard on yourself. I also have the problem…love chocolates and any form of sweet. I keep the weight off by walking on the treadmill every darn day. It is hard work I tell you:-)
Saw Laura mention this post on your blog so came to read.
I was here also, just a few weeks ago and I made the choice to get healthy again.
I stopped smoking..
33 days now smoke free and smoking for almost 20 years!
I CAN DO THIS!
I joined a group called Sleep Geeks – they are amazing, i love the support I am getting from them.. the emphasis there isn’t skinny, it’s healthy!
I have over 25 kgs to lose to get within my ideal body weight, it’s a lot and it’s disgusting that I allowed myself to get like this.
I am obese! there’s no denying it, and trying to sugar coat it isn’t going to help me, tough love is what I need. I want to be able to swim in public with my girls -> how awesome would that be?
I don’t want my girls to be embarrassed by their fat mum.. and lets face it when they get to their teen years, they will be!
Plus also, I need to be a role model for my girls.. I would rather be a healthy one than a fat slob.
It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it!
I started a blog for me to write down what I’m feeling, a place to just journal for me, it’s helping a lot to keep me motivated.
come and join us on Sleek Geek.
Else feel free to email me, I am happy to be your healthy buddy
Tash
xoxo
I love the way you wrote this post because this really sums up how any overweight person do and feel. I felt like this 2 years back when I was obese. I too had a big LOVE for food and ate when I don’t actually need to. I did not exercise at all and ate while watching television. The things comes into play, that you need to make THAT decision, once and for all. The decision where you say: “This is it! I’m going to do something today.” Not tomorrow but this moment.
I hope that you can get to that point because it really is worth it after you have lost everything. I lost 46kgs in 2 years.
Ok so I am seriously behind on your blog posts, but I so get this!
I was fat cos 7 years of infertility treatments had messed with my body and cos I was an over eater. I ate too much for my frame and I was eating all the wrong stuff and drinking too much wine. I had a good hard look at myself in June and made myself do something. I followed Dr Cohen’s first personal diet and found that I did not NEED to eat so much. That good healthy food need not taste like crap. That cutting ALL carbs was not the right way to go about losing weight (seriously Jules your body needs carbs but the RIGHT ones and in small portions). I have lost a total of 18.1 kilo’s with ZERO exercise. Now that I’m at my ideal weight I find I can enjoy exercise more cos my knee’s don’t hurt and I don’t tire as quickly (funny that)…
Thing is, in my humble opinion you will only lose the weight when you are 100% commited to losing it and when you are 100% on board with it yourself. I had to be serious with myself about how much weight I needed to lose and be totally ready to do it. For many years I wasn’t ready, I was in June this year and now I’m happy with my body at long last. You can be too.
I wish you all the best in your quest to shed the weight.
xxx