As you all know, BOTH my divine kids are wonderfully and fearfully made. Both are a bit different to your average kid. My DH and I work really hard to get them the help that they need and we are constantly (through trial and error) trying to navigate our lives around their respective issues. Recently I had two different conversations with two different professionals.
The first conversation was one that I had with Child1’s school psychologist during the last week of last term. I have a love-hate relationship with her for various reasons and luckily for her, my son loves her, otherwise she would have been GONE already. Here is a summary of the telephonic conversation that took place:
Me: Hello G, it’s Mrs W, Child1’s Mom
G: Hi Mrs W, how are you?
Me: I’m doing well, thank you. How are you?
G: Things are good etc….(we continue to painfully exchange some niceties)
Me: G, I’m a bit worried about Child1 who appears to be battling socially. His friends are going through puberty and have girls on the brain and he hasn’t caught up yet. While I am relieved about this, it does cause problems because he feels like he has “no friends” and that nobody likes him anymore. He’s quite emotional about it and I am not quite sure how to manage this transition in his life. Has he spoken to you about it yet? What would you suggest? Should I leave him to sort this one himself? Should I force him to make other friends? I don’t really want to get involved if this is something that he SHOULD be navigating on his own. DO you have any ideas for possible life skills/self-esteem building stuff for him? What would you suggest? How can I help him to help himself?
G: Mrs W, Child 1 is very (insert negative comment about Child1) and is (insert another negative comment about Child1) and (insert another negative comment about Child1)
Me: G, I hear you but that is not why I am calling you. In any event, we are doing really well with the xyz situation and with baby steps, we are even getting the abc situation under control. My husband and I are actually really proud of him because he has come such a long way from last year this time. We are very consciously trying to affirm positive behaviour at the same time that we address the not-so-positive behaviour. It’s a bit of a balancing act because we really don’t want to “break” his spirit.
G: Yes BUT…
Me: YES BUT…
G: YES BUT…
Me. YES But…
G: Mrs W, maybe we should set up an appointment.
Me: OK, I will call you soon.
I haven’t called her yet. And I won’t.
ALL of our conversations over the past two years have gone this way. I know that she loves my child but I feel that she is ALWAYS just trying to focus on his faults. I am by no means in denial about Child1 and what he struggles with but I would like her to (along with my DH and I) affirm him positively AS WELL. She has NEVER, EVER had anything good or positive to say about him. In fact, I have decided to give her one more chance. If our next conversation goes like this, SHE’s OUT and I will be requesting a new school Psychologist for him.
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The 2nd conversation was one that I had with our OT about two weeks ago. As I mentioned yesterday, Child2 has gone puzzle crazy and we are so excited about it. And so on I (you know, the Mom who NEVER has anything to brag about) bragged to his OT. This is how the conversation went:
OT: How are things going at home? I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now!
Me: Things are going really well. We are continuing with xyz and abc that you suggested and my husband and I have worked out a schedule because we can’t get to everything at night. Actually, my husband and I are very impressed with him because he is doing really well with puzzles! He is now on 50 pieces! (of course I go on and on and on with the gushing)
OT: Mrs W, you need to remember that Child2 is on the spectrum for Autism and that there will be some things that he is going to EXCEL at. It doesn’t mean though that his problems are over.
ME: I understand that, but you know! He is building 50-piece puzzles and I’ve been timing him and he’s doing it so quickly! I’m going to have to get bigger puzzles because those ones are no longer a challenge for him!
OT. Yes Mrs W, BUT.
Me: silence because I really had no words
So these are my questions to you:
While I know that I pay both of these professionals to do a particular (very specific) job with my children and while I know that as a parent it is MY job to affirm my kids, am I expecting too much when I ALSO need for them to affirm my kids once in a while? Is it even fair of me to have this expectation?
What do you think?
Is my Love Language (words of affirmation) possibly getting in the way here?
Could it be that subconsciously “I” want the affirmation and that it possibly has nothing to do with my kids?
What are your thoughts on these conversations?
I don’t know if your love language is getting in the way, but personally I would not feel comfortable discussing my child with anyone who has NOTHING good to say about here ever. Most people would probably correctly assume that in such a case I could come out swinging in her defence actually.
Have you tried discussing this with these health care porofessionals in question? The job isn’t just helping the child, it’s also dealing with the family in a sensitive manner. So make it clear to them how this makes you feel and see what they say?
Wow, if I think how our OT talks about L – always playing the “wrongs” up to the “great progress” parts and putting such a positive handle on things! I have to say that I do love this about her.
Even our play therapist although lifting out issues, used positive language.
So nope, I would not like this at all! Talk to them about it – you as the parent is part of the plan for your child.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of affirmation and I believe in life there must ALWAYS be a balance. We’re doing a parenting course at the moment through our church and one thing that has stood out for me is the power of positivity. Children pick up on it and push themselves to do more. I guess we are all like that? No-one responds well to negative comments. Maybe you need to discuss this with your OT and the psychologist?
I don’t think it’s got anything to do with YOUR love language – it’s got to do with you being his Mother. And as a Mom, we know how important words of encouragement are to kids. We want to protect our children and that includes against negative words and negative people.
Every time I’ve raised concerns about the negatives to our therapists – they’ve always reassured me and tried to remind me of the progress. They don’t downplay the issues, they just try and reassure me that we will get there – we are working on things.
So what if she says ‘there are some things he will EXCEL at’? What matters is that Child2 is doing something he hasn’t done before! That is GREAT stuff in your books! I would be chuffed with that! And you should be gushing about it!
And Child1′s psychologist – well, I’d shoot her!
You know what, at the end of the day – your boys will have all the acknowledgement and encouragement they need from you. The MOST important words will be those of their father (not downplaying your role – that’s just how boys and Dads work)! So as long as he’s affirming it and speaking positively over them – they will continue to excel and overcome their mountains!
Negative affirmations will breed low self esteem and low confidence – you don’t want that! Tell those ladies to catch a wake up!
I have had to deal with an OT and she never focused on the negative with Kiara – in fact when I would say “but she cant do this” then she would say “BUT she can do this and when she is with me she has done it so keep trying”
Same with the short time I had with the educational pyschologist.
I don’t know Julia! But these kids need positivity to thrive – the small victories need to be celebrated by everyone so my question would be – how do they interact with the kids? Is it the same way? Do they acknowledge and celebrate the things they DO get right when they are with them?
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