Marcia blogged this morning about how we treat friends of our friends. I do think that there are many layers to this subject and so I’ve decided to blog about something related to this issue.
I am currently in a situation where (for various reasons – I’m not going to mention them ALL in this post) I really don’t like a group of friends that my one friend socialises with.
Now if you know ANYTHING about me, then you will know that I am generally very accommodating and very tolerant of people and their choices. I really don’t care how you live your life. It’s your life, and as long as you are not breaking laws or hurting people then I couldn’t give two hoots about it.
These friends of my friend are not “different” in an out-of-the-ordinary way. They just have some really bad habits.
For example, the one is a bit of a user. We will go and eat out and then she will have forgotten her purse at home or “lost her credit card” or something so can’t pay for herself. So my friend then ends up paying for her. This has happened at least 3 times when I’ve been out with them. Now I get that sometimes people are scatter-brained and that something like this can happen to anyone but EVERY SINGLE TIME??? Eish. No. I think she’s living in User Avenue.
The other one is just downright embarrassing when we go out. I don’t embarrass that easily so really, if I ever do cringe then you must know how bad it is. For example, she will flirt inappropriately with men who SHE KNOWS are married. The last time it happened I felt embarrassed for the man – I could see that he was extremely uncomfortable. Or she will go “missing” (it is extremely obvious to me that she has Adult ADHD – she’s just WAY too impulsive) while we are in the movies! OR she will be rude to the waiter. And she’s just so vulgar! I don’t mind swearing but there is a difference between dropping the occasional F-bomb and being vulgar with a capital V. She’s Vulgar.
Initially I thought that my feelings were based on insecurity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this wasn’t the case.
I accept that my friend is an adult and that she can socialise with whom she sees fit. I also accept that my friend knows what’s going on (specifically ito Ms User) – she’s definitely not naïve. I get that my friend obviously gets something out of those friendships. Dr Phil usually asks something like “what’s the payoff?”
I don’t know what the “payoff” is for my friend but I KNOW that there is one. Perhaps this is the key? Perhaps I should try to find out what exactly my friend gets out of these particular friendships? But would that make any difference? I feel emotionally secure within the friendship so should it really matter to me?
For the moment I am comfortable with the way I am handling it. At all times (no matter how much I dislike them) I WILL treat them with respect and with kindness. I am comfortable with the way my friend handles the situation. In all fairness, my friend has gone out of her way to integrate me into that particular circle. It just hasn’t worked out and she’s been incredibly understanding about it. I do love my friend and so I grin and bear it and smile and wave or whatever.
I have told my friend how I feel about her friends – I was sensible enough to wait until she asked for my opinion. She appreciated that I was honest with her and we actually haven’t spoken about it again. She mostly makes sure that we don’t socialise together which suits me just fine – she does talk to me about them now and again. This is fine too.
But over to you.
Have you ever NOT liked a friend of a friend?
How do you handle it?
Do you smile and wave (like I do) or do you just stay away?
unfortunately, i have had a friend of a friend i do not like. It was a friend of my best friend at the time. In fact, if you’ve ever seen the film ‘Bridesmaids’ it was a lot like that! She was very glamorous and i think jealous of our friendship. She was very rude to me and i wondered to myself ‘Why do you like her?’ I told my friend how i felt, she made the excuse that she doesn’t have any friends so doesn’t know how to treat people – but that she had lots of good points. Unfortunately our relationship has suffered since this woman has become my friends friend, but because we don’t live in the same country any longer i don’t have to socialize with her.Still makes me feel sad thinking about it though.
Yes I have. Like you said you just have to handle it with respect – especially if you are close to your friend.
Most of my friendship issues are with D and his friends :-p Which is why I haven’t really joined this challenge. He has a few close friends who I really just CAN NOT STAND!
There have been times in the past where I haven’t really care for my friends’ friends, but I’m more selective with who I spend my time with these days. Fortunately, my friends and I have left behind most of the people who no longer “fit in”, so it’s not a problem for us. Even my husband doesn’t spend much time with his old, embarrassing friends anymore.
Yes, I’ve not liked friends of friends but if they’re there, I’m polite and friendly but I won’t make any overtures or lead them on. I’m not the type that says “oh this was so nice, we must do it again” if I don’t intend to.
Then again, my situations have been merely a “I don’t LOVE them” not “I can’t STAND them”.
Again, if my friends ask me what I think of them, I’ll be tactfully honest
Maybe another topic for us is what happens if your friends become friends without you! This has happened twice to me!!!!!! And vice versa. You really like your friend’s friend… will you “ask them out”
Hmmmm, this has happened to me at least four or five times that I can remember though all in University. Intersting thing is I remain friends with everyone of them till this day, but they just seem to be closer to my “friend” than we were and sometimes even forget they became friends because they were my friend. Ocassionally we chat about it and all have a big laugh when we remember how new friendships were formed from existing ones
Oh yes, I have been there. But I also try the non conflict thing – smile and wave.
These days I do not have many friends that I see often. Joys of moving countries in your “old age”. Back then I tolerated friends of friends I didn’t like, though my body language and facial expressions would let them know they were just being tolerated. I sometimes just smile and wave and other times I just stay very far away and try to avoid being in situations where we would be together.
Does that make sense? Though looking back now, I think my friends were the ones in the tough situations as I was the one with loads and loads of friends with different interests.
Interesting post.
Yes this has happened to me before and when it has I’ve always looked at myself and thought how could I be friends with someone who is friends with someone else that I really don’t mesh with. I often find myself wondering how on earth WE became friends in the first place. That said, if the friedship is important to me and is mutually beneficial I will be respectful of the other friend(s) if we socialise together, but will not seek out mututal socializations.
If the friendship is not a mututally beneficial one, I normally find myself pulling away from said friend.
xxx