I am currently in a situation where (for various reasons – I’m not going to mention them ALL in this post) I really don’t like a group of friends that my one friend socialises with.
Now if you know ANYTHING about me, then you will know that I am generally very accommodating and very tolerant of people and their choices. I really don’t care how you live your life. It’s your life, and as long as you are not breaking laws or hurting people then I couldn’t give two hoots about it.
These friends of my friend are not “different” in an out-of-the-ordinary way. They just have some really bad habits.
For example, the one is a bit of a user. We will go and eat out and then she will have forgotten her purse at home or “lost her credit card” or something so can’t pay for herself. So my friend then ends up paying for her. This has happened at least 3 times when I’ve been out with them. Now I get that sometimes people are scatter-brained and that something like this can happen to anyone but EVERY SINGLE TIME??? Eish. No. I think she’s living in User Avenue.
The other one is just downright embarrassing when we go out. I don’t embarrass that easily so really, if I ever do cringe then you must know how bad it is. For example, she will flirt inappropriately with men who SHE KNOWS are married. The last time it happened I felt embarrassed for the man – I could see that he was extremely uncomfortable. Or she will go “missing”
(it is extremely obvious to me that she has Adult ADHD – she’s just WAY too impulsive) while we are in the movies! OR she will be rude to the waiter. And she’s just so vulgar! I don’t mind swearing but there is a difference between dropping the occasional F-bomb and being vulgar with a capital V. She’s Vulgar.
Initially I thought that my feelings were based on insecurity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this wasn’t the case.
I accept that my friend is an adult and that she can socialise with whom she sees fit. I also accept that my friend knows what’s going on (specifically ito Ms User) – she’s definitely not naïve. I get that my friend obviously gets something out of those friendships. Dr Phil usually asks something like “what’s the payoff?”
I don’t know what the “payoff” is for my friend but I KNOW that there is one. Perhaps this is the key? Perhaps I should try to find out what exactly my friend gets out of these particular friendships? But would that make any difference? I feel emotionally secure within the friendship so should it really matter to me?
For the moment I am comfortable with the way I am handling it. At all times (no matter how much I dislike them) I WILL treat them with respect and with kindness. I am comfortable with the way my friend handles the situation. In all fairness, my friend has gone out of her way to integrate me into that particular circle. It just hasn’t worked out and she’s been incredibly understanding about it. I do love my friend and so I grin and bear it and smile and wave or whatever.
I have told my friend how I feel about her friends – I was sensible enough to wait until she asked for my opinion. She appreciated that I was honest with her and we actually haven’t spoken about it again. She mostly makes sure that we don’t socialise together which suits me just fine – she does talk to me about them now and again. This is fine too.
But over to you.
Have you ever NOT liked a friend of a friend?
How do you handle it?
Do you smile and wave (like I do) or do you just stay away?