My DH and I rarely socialise with our kids. There are various reasons for this but I’ll briefly summarize the main ones:
Child 1 has ADHD. While he is no longer very hyperactive he is VERY loud and does become VERY excitable when there are loads of kids around. My DH and the rest of our family and close friends understand him and we actually don’t even notice it for most of the time, but it is difficult for new people and we get that. As far as possible I try to medicate him beforehand but it isn’t always practical, especially late in the afternoons or at night because then I’ll be dealing with an insomniac.
Child 2 has significant developmental delays and has recently been diagnosed with SID. My DH and I are trying (with lots of trial and error) to navigate this and to figure out what triggers sensory overload for him. If I know that there is A LOT of sensory overload at someone’s home or if there are many kids of the same age then I would rather not socialise with him.
I know that this is probably not the best way to deal with the situation but right now it works for my DH and I.
We rarely take our kids to visit people if we haven’t first “checked out” the setup and the few times that we did this (i.e. socialise with them on the first date) we got seriously burned!
Also, I am self-conscious about my children’s issues, ESPECIALLY if there are other typical needs kids (mine are essentially atypical needs kids) of the same age. It’s just painful for me and makes the differences between my kids and typical needs kids more obvious. Well, to me at least. I can’t cope with the questions and the looks and the whispers. And yes, I know that I should probably stop projecting and tell people to mind their own business but I’m still trying to come to terms with it myself so can’t always answer a lot of the “very thoughtful” questions.
Fact is, we do want to be invited back and I think our kids have the ability to ruin our social life. Sad but true.
I find that I just cannot relax when socialising with my kids, largely due the reasons that I’ve mentioned and also because I just see “danger” all around. Yes, I know I am paranoid and I’m working on trying to NOT follow them around people’s houses to prevent an accident of sorts. I’m working hard on trying not to be that “helicopter” parent and it isn’t really going well at the moment. My DH is much better at this than me.
My DH and I are a fun, awesome couple (if I must say so myself). Both of us can converse about ANYTHING and we have a variety of opinions on various matters. We make good jokes and we’ll even laugh at your jokes (OK I might not always get it but I’ll still laugh). We both have great manners and know our p’s and q’s. We don’t argue in public and even though we might have been fighting all the way to your house, you would never be able to tell.
We clean up well, we can party and we can do quiet dinners. We can do experience outings and we even camp now!
We can handle our liquor like professionals (well, he can – I’m usually the designated driver) and you would NEVER find either of us puking in your flowerbeds.
So I guess, what I’m trying to say is this:
If you want the best of me or the best of us, then PLEASE don’t invite our kids. Invite us ALONE. It’s just better for everyone. And if you do choose to invite our kids and we decline, then PLEASE don’t take it personally. Because really, it’s not you. It’s us.
Having said all this, if you really want the pleasure of our atypical needs kids, then invite us to a park. Preferably one with wide open spaces and no water, because kids around water literally sends me over the edge.
I know that some people find it easier to make friends once they have kids. That has NOT been our experience, though now that I think about it, we haven’t really socialised with parents whose kids have similar issues. Definitely something to explore during 2012.
Do you find that your social life has changed in a good way since you have kids? Do you find it easier to make friends after kids?
Because I have to say that I have NOT found it easy. I have to say that I often find Motherhood to be incredibly lonely (despite the loveliness of Twitter) and I often find myself fantasizing about how different things would be if I had typical needs kids. And yes, I know that things could have been so much worse. And I know that my kids are healthy and thriving despite the odds.
Some days this just doesn’t make me feel any better.
I hate going out in public with Aaron. Its better now than it was (because we are managing his anxiety issues a lot better now) but I still freak out at the thought of taking him to a shopping centre.
We had a horrid experience with him at about 2 years old in Woolies at Sandton City. A typical Aaron tantrum, one women walked past and told us to “just pick the poor child up” as iff we werent trying to contain the tantrum at all, another young girl remarked that when she had kids she would NEVER let them bahave like that (I hope she has an Aaron one day!) and another sweet lady asked us if there was anything she could do to help. All in all that experiance scarred me for life.
I know he is so much better now but the smallest hint that he might have an AaronTantrum in public makes me shake with nerves.
I totally get what you are saying about socialising without your kids.
(((hugs)))
I can relate to some extend. When Bianca was still on leukemia treatment it was indeed an incredibly lonely life because so often she was not allowed around other people. And they didn’t always understand. Yes, I think motherhood can be a rather lonely time!
I absolutely cringe when Isabella throws one of her hissy fits because I am convinced that everyone is looking our way and passing judgement and thinking “gawd, can’t she control her child / brat?”.
Having said that, I know how lucky we are that she gets on so very well withother children – and thrives on it too.
I am aware – to a degree – of what it is that parents go through at times. I used to be ‘intolerant’ of it (more like ignorant!), but now I am aware of it and I ‘ignore’ it and put it down to the fact that they are children – and childrend will be children.
I have no understanding of atypical needs though. I wish I did so that I could offer you more helpful comments..
hugs
xoxoxox
You have an incredible way of stating your needs. Who could possibly take offense with this? I hope your social life perks up this year.
I don’t have one, of course. Maybe I should contemplate getting one…
My dear friend, I love this post and I get it. I think that they are part of your life and people (the right ones) will just have to accept your kids, atypical needs or not. I just think they’re unique and special.
I do agree that alone socialising now and again is also good for the two of you.
I love how you said you’d laugh at my jokes even if you didn’t understand them – you are PRICELESS!
OH! I actually have many surprising elements to my friendship since kids. Some I thought would be great haven’t and others have popped up
then again I’m on the whole friendship kick so there is that element added in for good measure!
Your post is so honest and I think alot of parents can relate even if they don’t have an atypical needs child. Socialising certainly has become trickier now that we are parents. Thank heavens for babysitters, that’s all I can say
They have saved us a few friendships!
What a beautifully honest post. Haing only met you once,I do understand that new social environments could make you feel the way you do. I’m sorry Jules, wish I had something helpful to say but I do hope that we can get to gether the next time I’m in Cape Town!
Hmmmm. I cannot comment much because I am in a very different space with Kade – he is a lot younger so to an extent socialising with him is easier. I do cringe tho when we are out at friends or in a public place and he has a melt down tho – I am VERY conscious of not spoiling other patron’s times out…
Also Jules, whilst I do think it is super important to socialise without your kids (typical or atypical needs aside) I also believe that the friends who are worth it, will accept your kids and your situation with them without any hiccups. Your kids are who they are. They should be accepted and loved by your friends for being who they are – warts and all.
Much love
xxx
We made a lot of friends through our children…but those weren’t the friendship that survived the test of time. I hope you get good friends that can accept your children for the individual special kids that they are. If they love you, they will love your kids too.
i had to come back and eavesdrop on the conversation
totally agree with Lynette!
Oh my friend, you know that I know what you about – but the last 4 months has been so much easier and we are now ready to do it – alone and with kids.
Lots of love.