When we become parents we are all aware of the fact that there is going to be a degree of self-sacrifice.
As a Mom, you forgo the pair of Nine-West boots that you are admiring because your kids need jackets for winter – you get a much cheaper pair from Edgars instead. You buy the Rimmel range of make-up instead of the Clinique or the Estee Lauder range because maybe your kid really wants to ride horses or do gymnastics. You do a facial ONLY once a month instead of every weekend because there are other priorities when it comes to the kids (or your spouse). Mostly we don’t think about it – well at least I don’t think about it.
You just kind of do whatever you need to do and take it from there. You adjust to your “new normal”.
We don’t just make material-type or financial sacrifices. We make sacrifices in ALL kinds of ways – including with our time and our emotions.
This past weekend I couldn’t attend my guitar lesson AGAIN. I had to wait for my DH to finish work and he ran overtime. Today I couldn’t go to Boot Camp (that I paid for btw…) because he unexpectedly had to work late and there was not a single other person available to fetch and watch my kids for just one hour.
I could not have my hair seen to this month (it needs to be relaxed, cut, highlighted etc because it is currently DISGUSTING!) because my Tween boy needed shoes for school AND a pair of sandals AND a partial summer uniform upgrade. He also needed some other craft stuff because we had to build something for a Technology assignment of his – such a ridiculous assignment which was essentially not budgeted for.
My Toddler also needed a pair of sandals and some shorts which I bought.
For the most part, I don’t mind the financial sacrifices too much. I know my kids need these things and I really don’t mind buying stuff for them.
I know it will pay off and I know that it won’t be forever. I chose to have kids and so, yes I have essentially made my bed and should lie in it or whatever.
I do have more of a problem when it comes to sacrificing the little free time that I have. Especially if it has to happen due to reasons beyond my control.
I do feel like the self-sacrifice is getting WAY out of hand! If feels like I am the only one sacrificing (money AND time) and like everything happens at my expense.
I feel bad for feeling resentful about this but it is seriously starting to annoy me. I know that I only have myself to blame for this – I have essentially allowed it to go too far. When my husband was unemployed I took on a lot of the money stuff – it was necessary at the time and I really didn’t mind it. However, things have essentially stayed the same since then. Only now I also have less time for myself.
So this is my question: At what point does self-sacrifice become too much! Is there such a thing as too much self-sacrifice for your kids/spouse? Is the self-sacrifice factor a balanced one in your relationship with your spouse/partner? OR are you a doormat like me who seems to make most of the sacrifices?
Ugh. Sorry if I am sounding all moany. I just feel so stupid about this!
Julia, you are the third person I’m talking to about boundaries today
You are both the parents and you are in this thing together. Sit him down and talk honestly to him about your frustrations because when you keep feeling resentful, that’s a clear indication that your boundaries are being overstepped.
I do feel I have to stay home in the evenings more than D but mostly I don’t mind. When I want to go though and I get lip, then I gently but firmly remind him that I’m at home 4 out of 5 days (gym on Wed) and now and again a fertility ladies thing (1 in 6 weeks) and my monthly talk at the church.
Yes, there is a thing like too much self-sacrifice. You’re not supposed to lose you in the madness.
If it’s gnawing at you, then you know it’s already gone too far. Guys don’t have the same ‘sacrifice radar’ that women have. Guys just assume that working overtime is naturally okay. In fact THEY are the ones that think they are being hard done by. A little chat/education is in order methinks. Never sell yourself short, if you need time off then you MUST take it. If he had something he needed to get to – even if you felt pressured to work late, then you would make sure that YOU finish on time so that you can watch the kids. So why can’t he?
One of the lesson’s that I learned early on in my journey through motherhood, was that I needed to learn to improve my negotiation skills and that having a verbal contract with my DH for these things was NB. That way neither one of us feels used and we both get to still do some of the things we love, when money allows.
Jules, I can only say, if you’re feeling like a doormat, keeping quiet will only aplify your feelings of resentment. You probably need to nip it in the bud now.
Good luck!
I am of the personal opinion that we are entitled to feel resentment from time to time. Even though (in my case) I feel guilty for feeling resentful.
At the risk of sounding sexist (which I am NOT trying to do!) – it seems as if women are kinda ‘expected’ to drop everything and be the carers. Yes, men do make sacrifices, but there are times when they really just don’t THINK of the big picture. Sometimes I am just dumbstruck by things that T does because it just seems so stupid – things that are bleedingly obvious to me, are not to him. Things that are no-brainers. And I am left standing there with my mouth hanging open. Seriously? Did you just not THINK further than your nose?
DON’T keep quiet because it will turn ugly and the last thing that you want is for a big fight and the wrong things being said. I do try to address things as and when they happen now. I don’t always succeed, but I can assure you that in the last few months, T has a better understanding of things.
Good lucky Joolypot.
xxxx
Love your comment about “did you just not think further than your nose?” gosh – if I had a penny for every time I thought that!
The previous commentors basically said it all. This is where communication is so important. Resentment is like yeast – it multiplies. So, get talking. Your interests are important too.
I just caught up with all your posts of the last two weeks… Read together like that, your frustration is quite clear.
I am with Marcia on this…your DH must accept his responsibility and be part of the sacrifice.
I am thankful that I no longer have children that are dependent on me…I can now get what I want when I want it. Sjoe…that sounds so selfish;-)
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This is such a difficult issue and yes, the key as with all in life hangs on balance. Which you clearly do not have. Yes, I have weekends when Hunter is away that I have NO time for myself, but he makes up for it with time for me on other times. So yes, talk to him and get some form of balance.
I battle with this alot and David actually moans about it because I take on too much without allowing him to take over sometimes.
So I am trying now to ask more and let him do more – sometimes I ask and he says no but often he says yes
I also voiced my feelings of resentment to him when for instant he gets to stay after work on a Friday for drinks while I am cooking etc – I don’t get that. We agreed to find other ways for me to “get that” but it does take lots of talking.