Remember this post where I wrote about the status of my relationships with my girls?
Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I realised something.
I am partly to blame as I essentially isolated myself.
During my husband’s period of unemployment I stopped making an effort. I wasn’t rude or anything and there was no fallout but I ended up just staying away – mainly because I simply couldn’t cope with everyone complaining about ridiculous, arb stuff in their lives. I guess I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was going through something way bigger.
We were literally living from day-to-day and doing what needed to be done to survive and we were essentially depressed. We withdrew from everyone except our families and those really good friends who continued to pitch up, despite the fact that we were “in hiding”. At least I had my friends in the computer who ironically provided me with more emotional support than my irl friends.
In that time it was just me and my DH against the world – at least that’s how it felt.
I honestly couldn’t deal with people who were self-absorbed and whining about crap. I wanted to choke them. So I stayed away. And actually, so did they. I’m thinking that a good friend sticks around and continues to check on you through all kinds of crap?
When my husband eventually started to work again, I felt more ready to face the world. We both were. I guess we felt that we were ready to look people in the eye again. Things were (and are still) tough as we are trying to recover from that period (a process which could take years) but at least we had our hope back and started to feel more “normal” for lack of a better word.
So I started to reach out. But, it was too late as everyone was in different phases of their lives and they had essentially moved on. Guess they couldn’t be held back by depressed people who had no money…
And this is where we are currently at. I am still reaching out and it is not being reciprocated – maybe because I stayed away when I wasn’t coping? I don’t know. It takes a long time for me to finally write someone off. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I am of the view that everyone deserves another chance.
It is something painful for me but I am mature enough to realise when it is time to move on.
And so, that is what I have decided. I am moving on.
It’s time for new experiences and new friends and healthier connections. Time to clean up FB. Time to declutter some unhealthy, one-way-street friendships. Time for new spreadsheets – I deleted the one that I had in a fit of rage.
Actually, the possibilities are endless. I just need to put myself out there a bit which complicates my life a bit because I’m shy. But, it can and will be done.
I can totally do this.
ps…I had the loveliest Women’s Day. A good run, awesome breakfast, a beach walk, some outside play with the kids, ice cream, a nap. I made a lot of food yesterday so I wouldn’t have to cook today and my DH’s 2 friends came to visit while I was sleeping and ate MOST OF IT! Had to throw something together earlier! Eish. Was not impressed
I was not aware of your circumstances, and I’m truly sorry for all you had to go through. I’m happy your hubby has a job.
Friendship, is a tough one! I don’t have many friends. I have 3 that I can really count on. My hubby is my best friend.
I’m a very good friend and I expect the same from others, if they don’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated then they are out of the door. I’ve recently learnt to set boundaries and will not allow people to walk all over me.
Good friends are meant to be there through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Glad you had such a lovely women’s day, you deserve it. PS I still have to start my morning run.
My hubby is my BFF too but there is still nothing like a good girlfriend.
When are you going to run???
Just do it!
Julia, you know that I too feel a bit shaken by friendship at the moment. With me it was the twins – we went into survival mode and I think people expected us to “snap” out of it way sooner than we did. I just did nto have the energy than to just survive and do the occasional thing. But I ma trying to moove on 0 having my two BFF who both stuck with me through all this overseas does not help much.
Good luck – I find this process like dating – very scary.
So true what you say. It is like dating!
When I got divorced many moons ago I managed to shed most of my “friends”. The ones who stuck around to listen to me rant and mope, and to pass me more wine are very dear to me. After the dust settled some of the others crawled back out of whatever holes they were hiding in, but it’s never quite the same. I’m not angry about it – I guess sometimes you just don’t know who an acquintance and who’s a friend until you encounter a darkest hour to test them by…and that’s okay too.
Tough hey? making those decisions? But life it too short to claw away at something that is no longer there. New opportunities await with each new day. Go for it!
I agree that both need to make the effort but when people are going through stuff that’s not when you drop them (I wouldn’t trust those friends easily again). Your thing sounds strangely like my infertility and the way I was with any socials involving babies. Esp at work. I’d make myself scarce when there were baby showers and deliberately set up client meetings so I would have valid excuses.
You’re going to love that blog I sent you… maybe you will do the CT version of her book?
And I’m so glad WE’re friends