Vaccinations

I know that this is a touchy subject for some Moms.

For obvious reasons, the subject of vaccinations has been on my mind a lot for the last while.

I recently read a blog post about a woman who had decided against vaccinating her youngest child. She has 2 kids. Her child 1 had all his shots and was a sickly baby/toddler – think hospitalisations, grommets, regular colds and gastro etc. Her child1 has Aspergers and as I understand it, has also been diagnosed with severe ADHD.

Her child 2 was born sick (he had cancer at birth), is now better and has not been vaccinated yet because of immunity issues relating to the fact that he was born with cancer.  As I understand it, she was advised to wait until her Child2 turned a year old before vaccinating. Despite the fact that her Child2 was born sick, he has been SUPER healthy since he got better which wasn’t too long after he was born. Am I making any sense?

She has weighed up various options and has thus decided that she is not going to vaccinate her Child 2.   I am not judging her decision at all. In fact, whether or not I agree with her decision is not the issue here.  It is HER DECISION (the blogger in question is definitely not a stupid woman and I know that she would have given this subject extensive thought) and I respect it. In a way I can understand how she came to that decision.

Whether or not we want to admit it,  vaccinations have been the source of controversy for quite some time now, mainly because of more and more children being diagnosed with Autism and also due to a host of other factors.

Both my kids are vaccinated. It was simply something that I never even questioned. Child 2 had many of his vaccines quite late because he was sick and on antibiotics every 2^nd week or so. We only really got up to date when he just turned 2.5.

I have been wondering a lot about my kids and where their issues stem from. It would seem that they have been genetically predisposed to ADHD and everything else on that spectrum. In case you are wondering, Autism, ADD/ADHD, Aspergers, Tourettes, OCD, ODD etc are all on that spectrum.

I know that I can (mostly) control what they eat and help them manage their issues as holistically as I can to the best of my ability.

I suppose I could have decided NOT to vaccinate but then I would have had problems further down the line. I don’t know of ANY school in Cape Town that would accept a kid without an up-to-date vaccination certificate.

Am not really sure why I’m blogging this. Quite frankly, it’s no use crying over spilt milk and all. There is no scientific proof that my kids issues are related to vaccines. There is also no scientific proof that my kids issues are NOT related to vaccines.

I do wish though that I had done some more homework on vaccinations.  I wish I had asked more questions.

I wish that I had asked things like what it actually means to vaccinate, what are the possible implications of vaccinations, WHY we need to vaccinate, why it would possibly be better to NOT vaccinate etc.

If you had asked me a few years ago  WHY I was doing it, I would  not have had a good reason, simply because it was something that I did without question. I would have answered and said something like “because I must” or whatever.

Have you ever really thought about vaccinations? WHY you are doing it? Possible implications further down the line?

How do you feel about parents who choose not to vaccinate for whatever reason?

Do I have ANY readers who don’t vaccinate? Why? No judgies from me. I’m just very curious about how and why you came to that decision.

Ten on Tuesday

1. So it’s Shrove Tuesday! I have just had pancakes and am on a bit of a sugar high. When last did you have pancakes? BTW….we don’t normally do Shrove Tuesday. I just really felt like pancakes because it’s been ages since I had some and it felt like a really good reason. Anyway, moving along swiftly.

2.On Saturday I told my lovely Mom that I was craving HER macaroni cheese and something sweet. She responded and told me that she was at a funeral – my Dad’s last remaining uncle who passed away last week sometime was being laid to rest. I didn’t say anything again and yesterday I got a text from her to say that I could come for dinner because she had made me HER macaroni cheese. There was even dessert! Isn’t she just FANTASTIC?? Perfect Monday dinner. Comfort food after a tough work day.

3. Child1 seems to have lost his ears. I am trying to be patient but I am one step away from losing it. I’ve now banned him from x-box for the next two weekends.  He was originally banned for one weekend. He back-chatted me (I can handle a lot of things but I CANNOT cope with kids who are cheeky)  and so I added another one. Obviously he is not impressed with me. Right now I don’t particularly care.

3. Child2 has this new habit of coming to stare in my face while I’m reading. Or knitting. HE comes right up to me and puts his head in front of what I am busy with, stares and smiles. And then he waits for me to smile before he stops. I think it’s too cute. My DH jokes that he is “imprinting” on me.

5. And speaking of imprinting, I finally finished reading Breaking Dawn. I actually wish that I’d read this book before seeing the movie because I now see that the movie was actually not that impressive. I usually try to watch a movie before I read a book because I always end up disappointed if I do it the other way around. This time, I started Breaking Dawn but I never finished it up to now. I think that this one is better written than any of the others. I really felt sad for Jacob the whole time. I’m still on Team Edward but I am more annoyed with Bella than ever. Seriously. What a stupid girl/vampire!

6.I am finally getting around to putting a very belated Christmas gift together for someone very special to me and it’s making me insanely happy!

7.I have been putting my phone on silent all the time. Not because I’m busy and don’t want to be reached. It’s only because I don’t want to hear my phone going off when money leaves my account. It fills me with panic.

8. I broke up with our lovely OT today and we are going to miss her so much.  She recommended another OT to us  who is prepared to go to Child2’s school to have sessions with him. I like this idea because it would mean that the teacher can also give some input and progress as he goes along and of course it does make my life a lot easier seeing that I don’t have to leave work and drive around. We are also introducing weekly speech therapy in the next week or so. Am hoping to find a ST who can also go to school for his sessions.

8.Must say I’ve been really good at sticking to my to-do list these past two weeks. Feels like I’m making a bit of headway in my personal admin nightmare. Now if only my DH could play along and hurry up with his to-do list as well.

9. People who blow hot and cold are annoying. Seriously. I can only deal with so many mood swings! Are there many people in your life with hectic mood swings? How do you handle it?

10. I saw my side profile in a mirror this afternoon and wanted to puke! Seriously. I started WL step 1 this evening. Sjoe. This cannot go on! Am going to try to go to group on Saturday to weigh myself. Am sure that the scale is going to swear at me proper.

How was your Tuesday?

 

Arguing in front of your kids

This guest post on Simple Mom reminded me of a conversation that I recently had with a friend. We were talking about fighting in front of/around your kids.

My friend and her husband NEVER argue around their kids. At all times they argue behind closed doors.  She grew up in a home where the adults fought ALL THE TIME and she still remembers how anxious it made her feel. Things got so hairy that she used to hide under her bed sometimes.

And then the next day her Mom and Dad would be smooching at the breakfast table and it was like nothing happened. Poor girl. Can you imagine the fear and anxiety that she must have felt? She swore that she would NEVER put her kids through that. EVER. And she stuck to that 100%. Her husband comes from similar circumstances and  I can’t say that I completely agree with what they are doing  but I do understand their context and where they are coming from.

I grew up seeing my parents argue.  At no stage did I ever feel fearful about it. I think it’s because throughout their arguments they never seemed to lose respect for one another. There was no swearing. No name calling. No humiliating one another. No dredging up old issues that had already been dealt with.  They never put us in the middle of it and they never did it in public places or when our friends were visiting.  I understood that Moms and Dads didn’t always agree on things.  I constantly saw LOVE AND FORGIVENESS in action and I kind of assumed that this was what happened in all households. Sometimes I can’t believe how sheltered I grew up and how naïve this made me.

I asked my DH about his experience of his parents arguing and he reported much of the same when growing up.

Personally, my DH and I do argue/disagree/bicker about things in front of our kids.

But. I am very aware that I need to fight fair. I will admit that I can be very immature when we fight (I walk away and slam doors and stuff. Depending on how mad he makes me, I may even break a plate) and this is something that I am aware of and constantly work on. I do have to work harder than my DH at fighting fair -he is so stylish and sophisticated when he bickers with me. I can be downright common!

I don’t have an issue with my kids seeing us argue. After all, this is a normal part of any relationship. They do need to learn that Mom and Dad don’t always agree on things BUT that they still love one another. They do need to learn that disagreeing on matters is normal and healthy in any relationship. And they need to learn (and see) that we speak about it afterwards and forgive one another.  They are essentially learning all about conflict resolution just by watching us.

There are unspoken rules between us when we disagree. There is no name-calling. There is no swearing. There is minimal raising of voices. There are NO past issues being brought up if they have no bearing on the current disagreement and especially if they have already been resolved. We don’t EVER put our kids in the middle of it – they understand that the adults are having a disagreement and that it is a) not their fault and b) has no bearing on how much we love them.

Having said all this, there are certain things that we would NEVER argue about in front of them. We don’t EVER argue about things like money or differing parenting views.  We don’t even argue about in-laws around our kids because we  need for them to never lose respect for their grandparents/aunties/cousins etc. We also never argue in front of them about things that we don’t like about their teachers or schools.

So this would be my question to you:

How do you feel about arguing around your kids? Is it something that you are completely opposed to? Do you argue behind closed doors or is this something that you do openly in front of your kids.

How do you handle conflict with your spouse/partner when your kids are around?

 

This weekend

• …..my friend came over to flat-iron my hair, cut my kids hair and tune my eyebrows. As usual we chatted way too much, drank lots of tea and I had one banana muffin too many.
• I did some reading.
• My entire family went down for a nap.
• My DH and I visited some friends of ours and had a FANTASTIC time connecting with another couple who also have special-needs kids. They provided us with just the right amount of encouragement and motivation AND decent homemade pizza and delicious wine. And they showed us that we need to be laughing a lot more with our kids. My heart smiled as we drove home on last night.
• I got a much-awaited reply to an sms that I sent and cried tears of relief.
• My DH and I spring-cleaned like demons in the heat. Seriously. I am VERY tired of messy kids and am thinking of banishing them to ONE ROOM ONLY. I mopped floors, washed bedding and unpacked and sorted my bathroom cupboards. Am dumping LOADS of magazines tomorrow.
• My DH made a decent breyani for us because I was having cravings. It was DELICIOUS.
• I ended up skipping the free concert (was in no mood to be outside) and started knitting a new little something. Details to be revealed soon.
• I watched No Strings Attached. It was OK, I guess.
• Got everything ready for tomorrow (clothing ironed, got everyone bathed and all bags packed).
• I went to Church with my kids this evening and LOVED it.

And now..

I’m getting into bed. With my book.

How was your weekend?

Friendship and kids

I am jumping on the band wagon with Marcia and her Friendship Friday movement.

I’ve blogged before about the fact that my DH and I weren’t doing so well on the friends front.  It took a long time for us to eventually reach the conclusion that it wasn’t us. It was our kids. Our beautiful, very special kids.

We’ve been socialising without them for some time now but would like to change this. After all, we are a family. A unit. Part of the same package.

As you know, we parent TWO atypical needs kids.

Child 1 has ADHD. He is not hyperactive in a destructive way (i.e. you won’t find him breaking windows and setting things alight and jumping off the roof etc) but he is LOUD.  And VERY EXCITABLE.

We are used to it so hardly notice it but I get that people who don’t deal with this daily can become overwhelmed. Someone who doesn’t know him will think that he is abrasive and rude. He’s not. Really. He is a FANTASTIC kid. And I’m not being biased. He really is AWESOME if you to get to know him and understand how his mind works.

My DH and I insist on proper behaviour at all times but we can’t control everything. I’m not sure if you are familiar with ADHD, but kids who have it do get VERY excitable around other people/kids which makes it so much worse.  My DH and I do role play with him a lot and we practice with him how to behave in certain situations. There is a lot of repetition. Sometimes he remembers, other times he doesn’t.  We just continue to remind him and take things one day at a time.

Because ultimately, that is ALL that you can do as a parent with a special needs kid. Not everything can be helped with therapy and it’s such a fine balance to correct him without breaking his spirit. My DH and I have learned to deal with it and we are managing it in the way we know best.  Atypical needs kids require their own set of rules and there is much trial and error involved.

Our families are OK. It’s other people can’t handle it because it’s not their normal. And in a way you can’t blame them. Society only teaches about perfection. About beauty. Not about flaws. Not about Uniqueness. Being Different is often frowned upon.

So in essence,we are the people who don’t get invited back to parties. We are the people with “that child” or “those kids”. We are the people who lose friends ALL the time because of it.

Our child2 has just been diagnosed with HF Autism. A few months ago he was diagnosed with SID. FINALLY we could understand that he couldn’t cope with the sensory input around him and that his constant tantrums and acting out was not because of something that we were doing wrong. Again, we are navigating this slowly and I firmly believe that it will get easier with time and the more we understand what we are dealing with.

Last year my DH and I took stock of our friends and friendships – I kind of had to force the issue because he is a boy and couldn’t care less about this stuff.

It was painful to come to the realisation that people didn’t like our kid/s. That they couldn’t cope with them. It was more painful to come to the realisation that they couldn’t be brave enough to tell us the truth. That they didn’t EVER ask what they could do to help. That they never made ANY effort to at least try to understand what we were having to navigate on a daily basis. That, in actual fact, they were NOT OUR FRIENDS. Not by a long shot. Because true friends stick around. They don’t run off when they feel overwhelmed by something that is essentially YOUR problem.

It is one thing to grieve the loss of normal. It is even more painful when you don’t have good friends helping you through that process and beyond.

Recently my DH and I were talking and it came to us.  Like an aha moment for us. We realised that we need to befriend people who also have atypical needs kids because THEY would understand it better than anyone else.

And so, this will be the next step for us. The more I think about it the more I realise that this is ABSOLUTELY the way to go and I cannot believe that we didn’t think of it a long time ago!

I have all these visions of us having our support group friends on speed dial. Socialising with them on the weekends (WITH our kids). I see them babysitting our kids now and again so we can have timeout at home. And I see us finally feeling accepted into a group of friends and NOT being judged for our parenting and NOT having people judge our kids.

And yet, despite this I still want to socialise with people who have typical needs kids – especially if there is a real connection. Co-incidentally I was meant to meet a friend tomorrow but we postponed our date. This friend of mine is a single parent with a 9year old boy who she treats like her BFF. This child sits into our conversations and even gives his opinions! I HATE it. A lot.  I insisted that she leave her kid at home. I couldn’t very well tell her that I’m not in the mood for her kid. So I told her that I would like to use the F-word liberally and that I can’t do that if he’s around. We are meeting up next week. Sans kids.

So this is my question to you: Have you ever been in a situation where you stay away from friends because of their kids?

What do you do if you don’t love the friend and not their kids?

If I want to socialise with you and your typical needs kid, what would you expect from me?

Would you prefer me to leave my kids out of our relationship in order for us to maintain our friendship?

Random Updates

Thank you for your divine comments on yesterday’s post. I sent a text and I do hope that she responds when she’s ready. In the meantime, I will pray for her. A lot.

I thought I’d do a bullet-type post today as I haven’t done one of these in a while.

1. We had an appointment scheduled with Dr S (autism specialist dr) at the end of next week. I got a call today to ask if we could move the appointment to the 2^nd week in March because Dr is apparently going away. How nice of her. I had two choices. Move the appointment to 13 March or take an earlier appointment (i.e. during February) with a different Dr.

I took the latter appointment but now I feel like things are hanging in the air.  It feels like I can’t move forward until we have the 2^nd opinion. Dr S came to me VERY highly recommended and the medical fraternity raves about her – this is probably why I may need to sell a kidney to pay her.

I’m not sure if I should take the earlier one with the other Dr because I have never heard of her before. I googled and found no details for the other Dr,  though I realise that I could be spelling her names wrong. I suppose I could go on with OT in the meantime. What would you do in my situation?

2. My sister is getting married at the end of the year and she has roped me into sourcing service providers. I really am enjoying this so much and it is such an awesome distraction. Sjoe but weddings are VERY expensive! I am currently looking for a band for the reception. Cape Town people do you have any ideas/links/contact numbers of people who do this kind of thing?

3. Not sure what the deal is with Child2 but he has been taking off his nappy during the night and wetting the bed!  I hear him talking to himself during the night but I don’t respond or tell him to shut-up because this is usually an invitation for him to play.  When I find him in the morning he is completely naked and strategically sleeping FAR AWAY from the wet spot. Am not quite sure how to deal with this.

At the same time he is being VERY cute as well.  I now have to greet his toys when I fetch him in the mornings. I have to say “Good Morning” to Lightning McQueen. And to Teddy. And to Goldilocks. Btw…these are all things that go to bed with him at night. Some mornings I need to have a piece of cheese for them too. Which he eats once he’s done with his own breakfast because toys must also share. When we come home in the evenings then the ritual is repeated. I must say “Good Evening”  to LM and to Teddy and to Goldilocks.

4. I think I need a solo holiday and am thinking of going away for a weekend. I want to sleep late, journal, browse markets and bookshops, treat myself to really nice food and read a lot. I do feel so bad about wanting this though, because both the adults in the home are a bit stressed at the moment and are in dire need of a break. Am I being selfish to want to be alone?  I love being alone with my DH but he is very distracting. Any suggestions as to where I can go?

5. The Dr at Red Cross who diagnosed Child2 is being sooooo helpful to me. I think I love her. She sent me links of schools (not the government ones) that she felt I might like for Child2 as well as play programmes that I can send him to that will be helpful to him.

She even sent me details of workshops being held at the hospital for parents like me. Don’t you think that she’s just lovely?  AND she referred me to Autism Western Cape. I sent them a rather snotty email last week. I  was literally going around in circles (blog post to follow next week) and was incredibly frustrated. I got the most beautiful, kind response from the CEO person who has been absolutely phenomenal. She gave me such good advice and even included her son’s reports in the mail to illustrate the different tests that the various professionals perform and how they link together.

She even gave me her mobile number and told me to call her ANYTIME. Even at night. She told me that she knows exactly how overwhelmed I feel because she has been there. And she invited me to support group.

I think I love her too. Don’t you?

6. We didn’t quite do V-Day this past week. My DH and I were both tired and lazy (I made eggs on toast for dinner) and we were having a rather lively discussion and various differences of opinion on the way this particular situation was being handled by his family. Having said that, I’m hoping that the weather will be divine on Sunday because I think that we deserve a decent family picnic. Obviously followed by a swim in the sea.

7. Child1 is reading a book (I forget the title now – I will check) which he told me “has real swear words in Mommy!”. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. Do books for tweens  really have “real swear words” in them now?

How was your Thursday? Any cool plans for the weekend?

 

Adoption

My DH’s niece was a problem child.  She was a wild child and had her first kid at 17. Her little girl now lives with the Dad and is thriving and beautiful.  At the time she made a decision based on certain factors in her life and luckily her daughters dad was in willing to step up.

She is now about 25. Last year she was pregnant again. She seemed different. More mature. More introspective. She seemed more quiet in a way. More in control of her life. I remarked to my DH that I think that she’s finally ready for this gift of Motherhood. She was beautiful and so very radiant throughout her pregnancy. Child 2 was fascinated with her.  Come to think of it, this was the first pregnant tummy that he’d ever encountered. He was always touching her and putting his ear on her tummy and kissing her tummy and moisturising her tummy. It was VERY sweet to watch.

She was due at in the last week of January and my DH and I were both  so wrapped up with our own stuff for the past few weeks that we completely forgot about it. Last night I went to my MIL to fetch Child2 – I kept him out of school for a few days because he had a terrible cough.

I asked MIL if Niece had popped yet because I was knitting something for the baby and wanted to get it to her. She lied to me (and btw…she is a terrible liar and even Child1 can see if she’s lying) and said that she doesn’t know. She’d apparently been trying to get hold of Niece but the phone kept going to voice mail.

On our way home, I told my DH that something is going on and that MIL is hiding something.

In fact we had a mini-disagreement/difference of opinion. I don’t come from a family where we have secrets. WE fight with one another a lot. But there is NOTHING hidden. Everything is ALWAYS out in the open. IT can get very nasty and hairy sometimes but I believe that it is much healthier to be open and deal with things than to hide stuff and have secrets all the time.

My in-laws however, have loads of “secrets”.  The biggest instigator of secrets is the matriarch in that family.  I love her very much and everything but I know that she has a devious side to her. There is always SOMETHING being swept under the carpet. Of course my DH, being the boy that he is, takes no notice of anything. HE couldn’t care less if they were hiding stuff. HE says that as long as his wife and kids are healthy and happy and provided for he is not interested in anyone else.

Anyway. I texted my SIL last night to ask about the baby – I told her I was busy knitting Niece something for the baby and needed to get it to her. She didn’t respond. I called her this morning. She told me that she doesn’t want to speak about it, that she wasn’t emotionally ready for that conversation and that MIL would probably tell me about it. Really now. All I asked was if the baby had arrived yet.

Today the story came out that Niece had her little boy adopted.

My SIL and EVERYONE in that family(except my DH) is being VERY judgemental about it. I told them that it could not possibly have been an easy decision for her to make.  However, they feel differently. They feel that she took the easy way out. That she didn’t “want her baby”. That she “gave her baby away”.  It’s very difficult for me to get involved and truly give them my opinion because they are so ignorant about adoption and all that it means.

Fact is, I have seen the other side of adoption and I know what a beautiful miracle it is. Thank goodness Sharon and Lisa-Marie blog so openly about it. I have learned so much and I truly believe that were it not for these two bloggers then I might also have been completely ignorant about it.

I called my friend today because I really needed to talk to someone NOT in my family about it. My friend went all “moral” on me.  I honestly didn’t think that it was the time or the place for that kind of conversation so I hung up while she was talking.  I know that was rude but seriously. What is up with the moral police? I really didn’t need to hear that Niece shouldn’t be having unprotected sex etc. Etc. and I  just needed to be able to speak freely without having to watch what I say. I needed someone who was not close to it all to listen, and not judge a situation where even I didn’t have all the facts.

I know that it couldn’t have been an easy decision to make. I can’t even begin to imagine how alone she must have felt. Just thinking of how alone she was throughout this process makes me incredibly sad.

I know that she did a beautiful, selfless thing.  I do believe that she was emotionally mature enough to make this decision. I know that she didn’t do it under duress. And I truly believe with all my heart that she had her little boys best interests at heart when she made that momentous, life-changing decision.

I really wish though that I can speak to her. She is not taking any calls from the family. I actually understand why she is doing this. I think that she is probably in a lot of pain and needs to start her healing process away from judgement. She is obviously doing the right thing FOR HER.

My DH and I spoke earlier and he mentioned something that I hadn’t thought about. He said that the family was obviously shocked and that they are also in a sense, mourning a loss. You could have fooled me. All that I see is judgment and harsh criticism and now that I think about it, the signs were all there. She knew that this would be her course of action once the baby was born and she knew that speaking about it to the family beforehand would have caused a negative reaction.

My DH asked me earlier what I would tell her if I managed to reach her.

Honestly? I don’t know.

I do know that I would hold her very tight.

I will stroke her hair and kiss her forehead and I will whisper in her ear that her baby is going to be just fine.  I will tell her that he will be so loved. I will tell her that she is brave and that she will survive this.

And I will tell her that ultimately, life goes on and that God is faithful.