A number of posts floated around the blogosphere a few days ago with the “what’s your biggest fear” title. They were all being written as part of a writers bootcamp series.
I have many fears and they tend to go on rotation. Or rather, they work shifts – usually based on my frame of mind, on what’s going on in the world and also on how severe my pms is.
Some days when I am extra conscious about my health or when someone around me is sick (especially if they are terminal), then my biggest fear is that I will die before my kids have reached adulthood. Or that I will get very. very sick and that they will remember that I couldn’t do anything for myself. I would NOT be able to cope with them having that as their memory of me. Someone tweeted the other day that a friend of theirs (in her 20s) got diagnosed with cancer. I had to get off the twitter because it pushed me OVER THE EDGE.
Other days when I feel wholly inadequate by my lack of achievements in the workplace or in my after hours life, then my biggest fear is not realising my full potential. This is the current biggest fear – it kicked in this past weekend when I realised (with a shock) that I am 36! My DH assured me that things came together for him at this age and just got better. Somehow that didn’t make any difference to my fear. It’s still there.
There are days when one of my kids are really battling with something that they (according to the experts and the world and the freaking government ) should have mastered by now. At times like that I fear that I am failing my kids because I can’t afford to pay for ALL THE THERAPY and I can’t afford to quit my job to home school them so we can have the time to work through and develop some mad skills.
Then there are days when my kids battle socially and I wonder if they will ever have really good friends in their lives. Friends who understand them. Will they cope in relationships? Will they get partners who accept them for who they are? I am FEARFUL of who will come into their lives. This fear plays out A LOT. I screen ALL THE PEOPLE in their lives and of course there are no sleepovers!
There are days when I realise that my parents are getting older and that they are going to die at some point. On that day, my biggest fear is that there will be things left unsaid. That there are not enough photographs. Also that there is NO way that I can live without them. They are like my arms or something!
Last week I felt fat and my biggest fear was that I would never ever be thin again and that my kids would remember me as a fat Mama who was always eating healthily and who was too lazy to exercise. Also that they would remember their fat Mama in her swimming costume. Ugh.
I am a Feeler which means that even the Tsunami in Japan or kids being shelled on a beach in another country will release a HUGE fear and anxiety in my subconscious. What if it happens here? What if my kids struggle to swim? What if we all get separated? What if we all drown? What if there’s a conflict? What if there are bombs and guns? What if they see things that cause them to go through PTSD? Do you get the picture? This is why I MUST filter my news.
So yes. Fears are a plenty around here, which is why I am making a conscious effort to live a FEARLESS life. Because being fearful and living my life in a fearful state is just cramping my style already!
Do your fears also go on rotation? Do you need to filter your news? What is your biggest fear RIGHT NOW?